sick sigh of relief

you know when you feel tense about something, and then feel like air is being let out of a bag when you get it sorted out? yeah, i feel like that.

i've been messing around with uni for about a year now, and the whole mess is finally sorted out. i am enrolled in all my units for this year. i've fixed up fucked up honours, which leaves me with a GPA of 6 for it (yay!) and i am ready to go. it looks like i have no text books, which is fortunate because, seeing one of my units is on a thurday afternoon, not night, i'll have to give up another day of work for study... ugh. but it's ok. thinking of the future. one year of slogging my guts out, well, a year and a half, of working two part time jobs and studying full time, then i'll have Prospects, and will be properly ready. i'm so relieved.

there is only one major thorn near the rose, one finall portion of anxiety, but it's one that i can deal with, and it's minor and trivial, and i only had it realised when viewing the class timetables and listings. but it'll be ok, because i am a Big Strong Woman who can deal with these sorts of things. i have faith in myself. i am going back to uni, and this time, i know what i am doing. i know where i am going this time. i may be a little lost with the 'enterprise architecture' and the 'organisational databases' but.... you know, i can Do It.

i am being affirmate here. note the affirmativity.

tonight is Fun Happy Family Night, which consists of lachlan and i sitting around eating crackers and olives, drinking tea, or wine, or really good beer, and perhaps watching a movie, or reading/knitting. we'll chat with emily about our week and have a lovely evening all around. happy-house-family.

that, and at my house, there is no shower, and sleeping pill trances. which makes Family Fun Night at lachlans so much sweeter.

i'm off, i'm off, i'm off to uni i go.....
do do do do
do do do do
i'm off, i'm off, i'm off, i'm off....

i don't really like snow white very much. there is something very sexually troubling underlying most fairy tales and don't tell me i am reading too much into it. it's undenyable. the helplessness of the women in almost all famous fairy tales girls are told shits me. as a little un, i loved 'the paper bag princess' - because elizabeth resues the stupid prince, who she decides against marrying because he calls her ugly. i partly loved it because of her name being the same as mine, and the fact that she used her mind to outwit the dragon. i was an itty-bitty feminist. i like the idea of faries, i am a little elf-maden at heart, really, but yeah, the weakness of the female in anything with a 'princess' shits me. the princess is not a strong courageous figure. she is a weak, pitiful male invisioned idea of feminity, waiting to be saved by the prince. it is her beauty that recues her, and has her seduce. it is her power, as well as her curse. princesses make me feel sad. i want to save them, take away their crowns and show them how much stronger they are without the prince. or how they are just as strong, and they never needed to be rescued. they don't need to be beautiful because that is not the point.

it's like that ani difranco song i love so much.

'i am not a pretty girl.
that is not what i do
i am no damsel in distress
i don't need to be rescued
so put me down, punk.
shouldn't you prefere a maiden fair?
i am not a kitten, stuck up a tree somewhere.

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never their own fears.

imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty
and smiling.
but i'm sorry,
i'm not a maiden fair
i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere....

and in the end
every kitten gets down
whether or not you ever show up...'

because, yeah, when it comes down to it, despite my insecurities, i don't want to be a pretty girl, someone who people look at and smile at my prettiness. that's not the aim.

i really don't want to ride away on a white horse with a prince. i'm dubious about the ethics of horse riding. and deeply opposed to the monarchy. and matrimony.

i make a shit princess. :) and now, today, i think i can look in the mirror, at my scruffy boyish blonde hair, and cow print socks and 'clodhopper' boots, and acne scars, and smile happily that i am no princess, and i'm happy that way. very very happy as this disheveled little thing. on her way to being a Liber-narian!