re-blogging

i am starting this up again, in preparation for The Move to Canberra.

it's scary, and the old familiar comfort of Bloggity Blog might help.

eep.
i got a start date. the 18th. the 18th of feb. my plan is to move down in the first week of feb, and Settle in, and then start.

ug.

so forth and etc

uni blah

been sick last few weeks.

knitting vest.

i like my vest.

took a week off, that was Good, relax relax relax.

am slightly hungry.

need to quit a job, scary.

gettting scholarship money number two any day now.

cure = amazing.

sleepy.

should be actually working here, not just sitting here updating blog.

hm.

re-blogging for....

THE CURE!

TONIGHT.

yes. that is the most exciting thing. ever.

the end.

another year....

well, it was my birthday, and now i am a Year Older. go me.

i've had adventures and stuff, which i can't be bothered going into, even though they were really really exciting.

right now, i feel .exceedingly.drab. ... it is because i am wearing all grey? grey usually cheers me up. i love it. nice and dense and cuddly. warm grey. happy grey.

i am myspace whoring out of boredom and procrastination.

i have a three thousand word paper i have to write, some time today. it's due tonight.

i feel. like everything is very very heavy. right. now.

oh crap.

can't find my USB port.

anyone in a university understands exactly what that means, because - although there is only one piece of assessment on there i have that isn't backed up, that is TOTALLY too many pieces........... shiiiiiiiiiit.

and it's a complex, irritating one that will take a lot of time to redo at the last minute. yes, it is do-able. no, i would rather not. fuck.

in other news, it's me birthday.
i bought the degrassi boxed set for myself, and lachlan got me this beautiful hauri coat from the made in japan store and a lucky frog.

i had one piece of assessment due yesturday, which, i have to admit, i sort of fucked up... oh well.

uni is making me feel unhinged.

oh well.

i've made a lot of mistakes....

i've got a CD in my computer that i am listening to on repeat... it's beautiful. i love marking time with music.

i have a very sore throat... raw raw raw...

hand knit alpaca scarf around neck.

i got an email from alex, the artist who's work i adore so much, who i went on a magical mystical journey with last week.... or the week before? we talk about how we love the kodak beach in southbank. i like doing that a lot.

too much drinking again, my tolerance is actually growing. i drank spirits for hours last night, and i have No hangover. none. i did drink water and eat chips. i feel like i am going through a second undergraduate degree. only, this time, with the drinking and stupidity and fun and silliness. i want to do this too. i am loving it. seriously.

i still have the most profound sadness when i think of L. so much so that i feel like i'll cry like my heart is breaking. just because. there is so much there. my heart is very full of him. i love him very much. but. i don't regret that we aren't together, i feel like... he'll grow more now, and i will, and yeah. it's good. just really, really sad.

i'm spending time with friends. a lot. as much as possible, actually. it's good.
i'm trying to fill my life with them for a bit, because a. i love them, and b. i feel better when i am with them.

i lent a book to someone i barely know. this is a Big Deal for me. i feel like making friends with some more strangers soon.

parklife

blur makes everything ok.

now, i need to do university related work. or maybe i should just get some clothes from here, and some books, and go home. maybe. god. maybe.

this is going to be the general blog theme for a bit, everyone, so, sorry.
yeah.


uni. work. focus. elizabeth. tonn.of.bricks.shitness.

i bought three cds. parklife, blur : an old magnetic fields : a cheap duran duran best of.

i just ate some insane gooey cake for dinner, and i feel really, seriously sick now. i should call a friend, do something, but i just. feel. like. shit. and need to use my printer, get the fucker back to my own apartment, but it's so heavy.....
it's all just so heavy right now.

new order on the radio

well. cd player to be precise.
it's cheering me up because i feel. utterly. gutwrenched. right now.

i took a mental health day yesturday, skipping work and uni, lying in bed until midday, a friend came over, i ate fruit, we went out and got food, i ate goat, because i Fucking Wanted Meat, and i moaned a lot about how i feel like i am Lost in a Forest, All Alone, and i wished impossible things, we got drunk in a park like 16 year olds, moaning about our respective confusings and arght.... i just want to pull a blanket over my head and forget about everything.

when you pull a doona over your head, it takes you to tropical ice-y land, where everything is ok.
but, i ran into andrea last night, which has made me feel ectatic. utterly overjoyed. i love andrea more than i love almost anyone else in the world. just seeing her makes me happy in my heart.

my buddy, on seeing her, after seeing a large indie crew of 'beautiful people' was overwhelmed by how beautiful andrea was. it's not just the fact she looks like a pixie goddess,but its... her.

i.feel.like.i've.lost.a.limb.

and a good one, not some shit limb. i ... don't know where anything is and i am spinning spinning spinning.....

i need blur. and brit pop. and new order. and.... yeah.

i miss him. i miss a 'relationship'. i miss that safety security that sense of home. i have no home.and i feel ......

knee scabs and tiredness

very tired.
walked home from uni last night. i have a grand total of $5 until wednesday, and no food in the house, or, errrr... anywhere. so, it's prioritizing time, and i can walk home, and i should walk home, and i need food. i ate half a loaf of bread for breakfast, and that was good. hung out with a friend last night, fun, yes, we have fun together .....

tired.

very very tired.
work = dull. i need to apply for a collection of library jobs that have become available, but the last thing i feel like right now is more change. i have had. enough, change for this week, i think.

ah ah oh... what do i want? what does.elizabeth want?

i want to travel. i want to have Adventures. i want to read and knit and feel things. i want to have wild beautiful sex with wild beautiful people, and wild beautiful conversations with wild beautiful people.
i want to still be friends with lachlan msot of all, and i know i don't need to worry about that but it's a weird sort of space i'm in right now, weird head space, and i feel a little dizzy and alone and spinning down down and around because i am alone, an i need'want'have to be, but it's the first time in so long and i don't know what i am left with minus the 'other'. what's left, elizabeth? what's left?

gone gone gone........... playing the gothic archies in the background.... so that is any morbid phrases, pulled out of there.

art exhibition. alex seaton, at jan murphy galleries : a drunken venture last week had me meet the artist, and form Intense Connection with him.... i ate dinner with him, his girlfriend and close friends on fri. night. oh my lord, his art utterly blows me away, honest to god, it's hard to describe how it effects me. it's a sculptural installation, of these doona's carved out of marble.... so so shatteringly facinating on multiple levels...

it was quite a facinating... night... on many levels.

my new tattoo needs a touch up.

i am wearing my mala beads.

i made a myspace.

i need big hugs.

i feel lonely.
want to go hang out with drewbear, and do a jigsaw. and cuddle my book of shelley, and copy of 'snow country'....

*sighs* it's ok, really. just change can be scary.

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- changes....

i kinda feel like giggling because of the vast level of change that has happened since last posting.

lachlan and i broke up, but, and this is the weird thing, it was both completely, totally mutual, and a good thing. i mean, i am at his house now. we'll probably see more of each other now. nothing has changed at the same time that everything has changed, only that we are sort of begining to lead seperate lives.

a part of me realised that i only wanted to move in there because i felt like that is what i was suppose to want. and, i realised that so much of what iwas doing was not based on what i wanted, but what i though i was ment to want, how i was ment to act, how i was suppose to feel. and, now, i want to find out how i actually feel.


on this note, i have mandated a week of No Binge Drinking, starting today. yes to occasional wine, NO to drunken-ness. and a complete ban on smoking, which seems to be my latest, extremely idiotic habit when drunk. i cannot describe how much this both sickens and confuses me, because smoking is utterly revolting, and bad for me, i mean, one of the WORST POSSIBLE THINGS for you, and when i am sober, the mere smell of cigarettes near me makes me feel ill. however, once i have had a drink, i start craving them.

i had a night of wild part-aying with b. and n, two people i went to school with. b was my epic highschool crush, and n was his friend. being on friend-terms with a past infactuation is stupidly fun. the three of us had a deliriously good drunk time wandering around the valley. it makes me giggle also how much i am enjoying this going-out-hanging-out-drinking-meeting-strangers-in-the-street-dancing-like-a-moron-having-stupid-adventures..... i think i will be slightly troppo for a bit - i have been in a relationship of some form since i was 16 for gods sake. i'm 23 now, and really looking forward to some manic, 'elizabeth-wants-to-do-this-and-now-i-only-answer-to-me' fun.

and the best thing is that it was mutual. i am so happy for lachlan as well, because i love him so completely from the bottom of my heart, but yeah.... it's not our time to be together. we both feel relieved.

and emily, his housemate, has promised that we are still an urban family and she is going to be my exercise buddy, and drinking pal, and wise lady.

and, i got another knitting book, and am working on the coat again. happyme.

lily of the valley : the tale of little moe

it has been Four Years of me driving myself insane trying to remember the name of that goddamn movie. i feel this utterly unrestrained joy at actually finding it out. Suzuran - the japanese name - translated as 'lily of the valley: the tale of little moe' - which is one of the most exquisite films i have ever seen. thanks to being able to actually speak to x without curling up in the fetal position with a strange combination of guilt and confusion, i now know. GO personal growth. GO x's utterly beyond comprehension memory. lordy, i cannot even remember .... sheesh, anything. let alone some obscure japanese film we saw four years ago.

i got free tickets from calling up this number in the newspaper. it's a free film festival, once a year, run by the japan society of australia - see sidebar linky if anyone is interested - that no one seems to know about. last year, we saw a beautiful, subtle manga about WW2, with cousin N. ohhhh i am gaspingly satisfied.

and also, with a really great lecture tonight. i now have, however, a sickeningly large amount of work to do. which i am attempting. in a cafe. at night. because? why? well. who knows.

life is still confusing. flux. strange. moving. mutable, what do i want, where am i going, spaces, spaces where am i in betweeeeeen it all.....?
but that is ok. because. i finallllllly know the name of that movie.

sunnnnier. (well, actually cloudier)

yestudays abject misery has faded somewhat.

i still feel relatively foul, but able to Tackle the World. or, sort of prod the world, reluctantly, looking dishevilled, and scattered and distracted.

i need to make some lists of Things I Need To Do.

and then, i can go forth, conquer my degree work life moving et al.

in the mean time though, i think i am going to scuttle to my apartment and get my kwan yin book and carry it around with me, as well as both sets of mala beads for comfort.
i know that they don't actually bring me 'luck' or make things better or easier. but i feel deeply comforted by them nonetheless. i feel some sort of vague direction, some sort of sense of size, presence place reason meaning.

lachlan is really sick at the moment - bad head cold. the poor lamb just wants to sleep all day.

it's not really that much work. i've gotten a firm handle on SQL, it's ended up being my easiest subject once i am in the labs actually constructing searches.
research subject is still my favourite.

have to somehow apologise to x for my drunken postlecture ramble monday night. feel more than slightly humilated by my stupidity. gooooooooooooood god, elizabeth. no more. enough is enough. no . more . today i am going to the LIBRARY after work, and i am working on my information literacy poster, my issues report on equity, and my analysis of a case study of technology as effecting enterprise architecture. and that other thing... that ... thing. assingment two for reasearch methods.



there are many other things i want to be doing. right. now.
these things do not involve assessment or uni or work or life or Anything.

*sighs*

tours and angst revival`

i am starting to see how drinking problems develope. so, really, seriously, i Won't drink again this week. not until the weekend. i swear. god.
this constant hangover is starting to age me. i feel old, and tired and... vile.

i feel very very tired as well. i want to quit a job.
actually, i think going off and running away to another country would be great right now. iceland. or japan. some small hidden part where i won't be found. or ... just the top of a mountain somewhere or the bottom of the ocean.

my eyes hurt.

listening to the cure. they are touring later this year, which i am ecstatically happy about. i missed them at livid, so to actually see them after all is insanely cool.

wandered around the park looking for lizards for a bit, big beautiful water dragons, sunnoing themselves, with little babies scuttling around the undergrowth. it cheered me up somewhat....

iceland. yes.

goooood big sleep

yep. that was an amazingly good night of sleep i had last night. i woke up in the middle of the night a few times, but apart from that... lordy, it was satisfying.


and last night, lachlan cooked this incredible pasta dinner.....

*sighs* i am about to eat meat. not again, i am not going to go back to meat eating, but my body is craving red meat really really badly, to the point of distraction. so, i am going to have some duck at the continental. i am fantastising about it, on average, every ten minutes or so. i am going to enjoy it very much. this is because my diet is shit-terrible at the moment. too much sugar and boose and not enough sleep. i am attempting to eat vegetables and things...........my skin has broken out something terrible.


i am having a 'the cure' revival time at the moment. i started by apologising to lachlan with 'er... we are going to be listening to a lot of cure. apologies...' he responded that he likes the cure. i've had to tell him that by the time my cure binge is over, he probably won't. i tend to absorb myself in music. it's the addictive personality trait. it's not a good thing, by any means.

god, i have no clean clothes left. this sucks.

uni today.... business management for IT professionals. from this subject i have learnt that almost all questions can be answered with 'strategic management' or 'strategic planning' ... just insert that into any random conversation, and they look at you, little faces lit up....

there is this incredible diary at work, an old damaged cover of a 'brother's grim' book. i smile because i am looking forward to telling the ex about it. i think i will start using the phrase x for him, as it doubles as a letter in his name. and i don't like using real names apart from the obvious ones, like boyfriend et al. and i feel sort of bad calling him the ex. it seems a lot harsher now i actually have no bad feelings about him, and see books and want to show him without feeling wierd about it anymore.

my nails are still black and i don't knoe where the nail polish remover is. this is because i never, ever paint my nails. not that i did this time... angie, emily's best buddy, came over, and did it. do normal people start doing craft when drunk? all iwant to do is cut stuff out.

i get to find out if my little fag boys got together, the ones i Partied Too Hard with on ... friday? saturday? whenever. so much angstyteenage sexual tension between exceedingly attractive males.... so satisfying. it's like living inside a teen movie, only so much better.... i really adore my New Best Friend h, in all his crazy, scary-resemblance to jesus-andrew ways.... someone to dance with. god. i have wanted to go dancing with someone for ... years.... since i turned 18. and i've never been with anyone who dances. to actually have a friend who'll drag me up when a song they like comes on.... yeah. exceedinly exceeeeedinly fun.

another and another

seriously, i swear, i'll stop doing it...... but i swear to god it was the most fun out i have had in years.

too much of everything but i danced until four in the morning, with beautiful boys and fabulous music.

and had no sleep, and my mouth stings from cigarettes and spirits... and i can't remember exactly what happened between 10 pm and 2 am. it comes back into colour around about then, with the cure and the smiths and the knife and shots of ... something strange.... burningly good... two boys eyeing each other across the room draping over me in order to avoid each other, wild wild dancing, socks and shoes and wandering through the mall looking and... sighs...

had a nap this afternoon.

listening to TV on the radio now, which i utterly adore.
going to print out readings once i have installed the printer on lachlans computer. for some pathetic reason my ibook is not accessing the broadband. it's infuriating.

no knitting at the moment. ..... i miss it.

tired and sickeningly grumpy

yeah.
that sums it up.


i went and got an 'impulse' tattoo this afternoon after work. it's a really small question mark between my breasts, just on the point of the breast bone where my ribs meet. i have been thinking about it for about a week, and waiting to get paid. yes. tattoo number two. i was expecting it to be one hell of a lot more painful, but it barely hurt at all. now, though, i get occasional tingles down my arm, residual shudders. weird.

cousin nikhi is here, hanging around apartment with lachlan and i, i on computer. my WoW character keeps getting obliterated and this shits me even more, because i am Freaking Tired.

it's kind of cool, cause that was where i wanted to get my first tattoo, well over three years ago, in the "olde days" - it was between an oroborus and some weird squiggles, and now i have one there, all this time on - be it tattoo number two, or whatever. i want more ear piercings now.

this is a clear indication that i am overtired and stressed because i want more body mods. fortunately i don't have enough money.


last night was another stupid binge drinking night. -1st degree with chad, on to rics to see the 'ambitious lovers' and then a late night wander home after creamy goo stuff at fat boys. it was spirits, so i had no hangover, at least, but i didn't get home unitl 2 am, and i had to work today. god.
this is a weird tattoo pain, the last one was completely painless once done. this one, keeps making wierd shudders run through me, even onto my face. it's quietly throbbing.

whatever lachlan is cooking for dinner right now smells amazing.

listening to low, late at night, with no dinner

because i'm not hungry.
i had a chocolate bar for tea. this is the issue with uni, my uni-diet. which consists of a diet of too many chocolate bars, juice with vegetables in it, and subway. almost nothing at home, not that there isn't food there or anything.

lachlan is waving his arms around, i can see him from the corner of my eyes, he looks cute. i am perched on a chair updating away, ready for bed.

low are on the CD player and this makes me sleepier and merry.

i feel... utterly esctatic that i am on friendly-happy speaking terms with the ex. i feel i might ramble a little too much, sugar? idiocy? nerves? but god god god, it's great being able to talk to him. i mean, when you have such a huge shared past, it's wierd, and sad to not have some sort of ... civility. and .... i mean, he is easily the person who has had the most influence on my life, in regards to ideas, to books, to my understanding of the world, to my understanding of myself. and i am so happy that i don't want to hide, and that i can smile and say hello to him, and chat, and ... yeah. it's great as. happyface. slleepy now, but yeah. lachlan is also utterly merry for me too.

i am starting to understand SQL, and the business subjects are not killing me anymore.
sleepy though. a lot. too much work, too much work, too much work, and it's really hard for me to think about food properly.

nap time.

universityoutdoors adventures

today i have seen many birds, and even more big beautiful lizards. i like wandering around the park next to uni. i literally do this for hours on end. i look at the ducks, and the pigeons, the strange birds with huge feet that walk over the waters, a kookaburra sitting on the ground... it's very fun.

uni also means other things, like
eating heaps of subway (eat fresh!)

doing random time wasting things like getting my eyebrows waxed. i am not sure if this is a good thing, but it was fun. and cheap. and now, i have less hair on my face. which is good, i guess.

planning exciting times out, like GothClub adventure. it has been far too long since i have ventured out on the town, and my Working needs to be balanced by proportionate partying.

it's another grey, heavy day, and this makes me deliriously happy.

shortpost

ok.

uni = tricky.

lots of subjects. worklifeuni balance. i have had too much sugar in the last week for words to describe. it makes me shudder just thinking of it.

sugar sugar sugar starts with s.
lots of balancing.

and, i manage to make life complex at very bad times. i ain't going to blog about it because it is overraught and inane and arught................ people will think me repulsive and it's not as simple simple simple as anything ever ever is.

i have had to de-knitty for now, because i have to study much, and i have a pathetic growing WoW problem in the background.
and it is Too hot to knit.

a plus though, i had a Great conversation with the ex. i mean, fabulous. i literally skipped to the busstop afterwards. it was like... everything bad i had ever felt against him evaporated in those ten minutes and i was just left with a deep deep compassion and... understanding of how people all fall together and apart in each other's lives. i realised that... it's not about wrong right here now me you but... just what is. and what is, is that he is a human being, falible and rich and complex like everyone else. so it was good.

early morning can't sleep in

my ability to sleep in is greatly diminshed through my unfortunate, forced habit of getting up early.

god, tired. i have a headcold i have been studiously ignoring. my head hurts big though.

unfortunate things:

yes, my scholarship is great. it's tuition though, and i can't afford my text books. not that they are Needed, but they are Recommended. eragh. no spending, seriously NO spending. taking lunch to work, in my backback on the bus. yes. this is da aim.
oh, and i need to join ALIA. which is the australian version of the ALA. which is $66.

i need to quit a job. six days a week working is grotesque.
but neither of them give me enough hours to support me without another one. hm. hmmmm.
i have to beg one for more.

printing. i am going to be Bad and Unethical and print out my readings, because reading them on my laptop from a PDF file is painful, both physically and mentally.

international women's day is the same day as my library-orientation-day, so i miss the march. but there is the festival thing afterwoods.

i am over the insularness of brisbane, and the fact that i felt too uncomfortable to go to the feminist discussion group. then again, it's going to interfere with uni anyhow, and i can discuss feminism with alex, who is my Uni Friend in my course.

good things:

all the subjects i have had so far are either tolerable (buisness management and IT ? database usage ?) or exciting! (research subject! making posters! using portals! yay! fun and jollies!) but the scary subjects are not that hard.

i have Uni-friends, ie, someone i knew from work is doing my course! yay!

things with ex-boyfriend being in course are totally cool. we politely nod, and smile, and carry on. it's such a relief. i thought things could be far more uncomfortable. i even had a bonding session with my new uni friends about the fact alex commented that he has a beautiful soothing voice, and how he was the person who made me think working in a library was a Career Possibility, and how they should talk to him about actually working in libraries cause he has heaps of experience. it was all positive and happy and good. i feel almost completely at ease. slightly ill at ease. mostly almost completely at ease.

there is now a subway on campus. this is only really exciting because cafeteria food is repulsive. and subway is edible. however, i think they have done away with honey mustard dressing, which is upsetting because it was my favourite.

i am getting a check for $121, my refunded guild fees from last semester. yay! yay for extra money. yay for getting refunds when you foul up. hey. did i pay guild fees last semster?
oh, no, it was the semester Before that i paid guild fees. i get it now.

scholarshipexcitement afterglow

ok, i am still completely overstimulated from winning the scholarship. i have to go to Award Ceremonies, and things like that! yay!

and career mentorship is comming up, and i have the perfect person to apply for mentorship with, who i already know, and which would surely be helpful in getting a real job - my aim is to get one before the end of first year, so i have get the final semester of my degree, not covered by my special- money, paid for also. either that, or i'll use the money to invest in a short term low interest account - it ain't going to double in numbers but should rise a little bit, enough to take a slight dint out of my significant uni debt.

this semster is about Digging In My Heals.

and Prioritising.

which is as follows:

1. most important - take care of mental-health. continue with therapy. look after self. take time out to make art, to knit, to sit, to think. this is important.

2. closely followed by - look after close relationships - lachlan, and closest friends. this includes small but important things, like keeping our room clean (ish) doing dishes, offering to help cook, etc, as well as all other important relationship stuff.

3. uni. my aim, optimistically, is a university medal. which is awarded for straight 7's. now, i know that if i put my mind to it, this is within the realm of possiblity. however, my lowest possible marks will be 6's. this is the lowest i'll let myself go, because i am going to work my Arse off.

4. work. yes, i know, lowest priority. but both jobs are temporary places until i get where i am going.

priorites done.

now, working.

i am going to be seriously AFK for the next year and a half.

but, i have places, and i am Getting there.

four words

I.got.the.scholarship


oh . my . lord.

almost $13 000 worth of tuition fees paid. the fact i can now put on my resume that i was the 2007 recipient of the Postgraduate Female Scholarship.

i am so excited i could freaking fly right now.

(and i got a note from monkee moo! whoot!)

the advantages of university internet

sitting in lecture break of some strangely confusingly simple subject on management. i am not use to this sort of language yet. it is all unfamiliar at present.

it's a strange campus, GP. spent all day navigating my way around.

there are going to be a few seriously irritating MAS in this lecture. and tutorials. this is irritating. i know i can me a little verbose at times, but ergh. actually. we are All MAS's now, because this is a post-graduate subject. that is so weird, actually being Post Graduate and a Mature Age Student. i'm hardly mature. or aged. i'm only 22 (23 in a month or two... not or two, elizabeth. april. learn to count)

i find typing here soothing because i am still overly nervous. and gittery. new thing. unfamiliar. scary. managment subject. ick. eep. nervous.

and it's sort of cold in here, and i want to go home because it is late.

but still. it's going to be fun. yep. library learning goodness.

uni starts.... whee... eep!

1.

living settled - we become a family of four in lachlan & emily house. four includes fishy-foo, the fighting fish. i move in a months.

2. uni today.

eep!
am here now. ID card. sort out info. meet nihki's computer.

yay!

eep. seriously. big. eep

ok.

1.
i have no working shower, and havent for a week. advantage of boyfriend living 5 doors down is very clear at the moment.
2.
landlords just dropped a kind bombshell. they are increasing the rent by $30 a week. this comes at a very unfortunate time for me, with the whole - studying full time thing about to start, and me playing pretend that i can drop hours if i need to. if i can't find somewhere else to live, i have no idea how i can budget in the extra money.
and remain sane.

so, we have 3.
can i move into lachlan's apartment? the issue is that it is a Small apartment, and there is already a lachlan and an emily in there. well, we'll have three tv's, four dvd players, two computers, two microwaves and two fridges.... beer fridge! that is a good thing. bad points. lachlan needs his ManSpace. no, PersonSpace. a lot of it. he is a Lone Ranger, and goes stir crazy without PersonSpace. i'll have to put furniture, and more importantly, books into storage. sell off clothes. this is a good thing. cleanse out junk. also good thing. however, this will be happening as i start my masters full time. not a good thing.

epp.

i am feeling less small and afraid of the IT subjects at uni, after arming myself with 'teach yourself SQL in ten minutes" - it fails to say that it's ten minutes a Day for a few months, not just ten minutes, full stop. but that's ok. and i've slowly read the unit outlines, and the uploaded information on the online teaching bit of the website (which is now called 'blackboard - very nice, QUT, very nice....) and i am feeling... ok. not super confident, but ok about it. i'll take it slow and steady, and i can get there.

now, if the apartment issue just dissapeared, and i had a shower again, and the Room Cleaning Fairies came, i would be so happy.

i have also dramatically reduced my sugar intake, because it was making me go slightly more demented than usual. Less Sugar For Me. and no more ice-cream. no, not even the stuff from the Happy-Gelati-place on brunswick street. coffee, i keep, but not at work, and no more hot chocolates either. too much sugar. jerry-coffee on my brunswick-st. days.... which are few and far between, because i am mainly doing ascot work on the personal-assistant days. which, is a pain, because there is no good coffee on racecourse road. it's vile. i hate that area.

now, i just need to feel Big and Strong about the city at night, as i will be doing a lot of walking through it once i am back at uni. at night, that is, considering all my classes seem to be at night.

eep.

sick sigh of relief

you know when you feel tense about something, and then feel like air is being let out of a bag when you get it sorted out? yeah, i feel like that.

i've been messing around with uni for about a year now, and the whole mess is finally sorted out. i am enrolled in all my units for this year. i've fixed up fucked up honours, which leaves me with a GPA of 6 for it (yay!) and i am ready to go. it looks like i have no text books, which is fortunate because, seeing one of my units is on a thurday afternoon, not night, i'll have to give up another day of work for study... ugh. but it's ok. thinking of the future. one year of slogging my guts out, well, a year and a half, of working two part time jobs and studying full time, then i'll have Prospects, and will be properly ready. i'm so relieved.

there is only one major thorn near the rose, one finall portion of anxiety, but it's one that i can deal with, and it's minor and trivial, and i only had it realised when viewing the class timetables and listings. but it'll be ok, because i am a Big Strong Woman who can deal with these sorts of things. i have faith in myself. i am going back to uni, and this time, i know what i am doing. i know where i am going this time. i may be a little lost with the 'enterprise architecture' and the 'organisational databases' but.... you know, i can Do It.

i am being affirmate here. note the affirmativity.

tonight is Fun Happy Family Night, which consists of lachlan and i sitting around eating crackers and olives, drinking tea, or wine, or really good beer, and perhaps watching a movie, or reading/knitting. we'll chat with emily about our week and have a lovely evening all around. happy-house-family.

that, and at my house, there is no shower, and sleeping pill trances. which makes Family Fun Night at lachlans so much sweeter.

i'm off, i'm off, i'm off to uni i go.....
do do do do
do do do do
i'm off, i'm off, i'm off, i'm off....

i don't really like snow white very much. there is something very sexually troubling underlying most fairy tales and don't tell me i am reading too much into it. it's undenyable. the helplessness of the women in almost all famous fairy tales girls are told shits me. as a little un, i loved 'the paper bag princess' - because elizabeth resues the stupid prince, who she decides against marrying because he calls her ugly. i partly loved it because of her name being the same as mine, and the fact that she used her mind to outwit the dragon. i was an itty-bitty feminist. i like the idea of faries, i am a little elf-maden at heart, really, but yeah, the weakness of the female in anything with a 'princess' shits me. the princess is not a strong courageous figure. she is a weak, pitiful male invisioned idea of feminity, waiting to be saved by the prince. it is her beauty that recues her, and has her seduce. it is her power, as well as her curse. princesses make me feel sad. i want to save them, take away their crowns and show them how much stronger they are without the prince. or how they are just as strong, and they never needed to be rescued. they don't need to be beautiful because that is not the point.

it's like that ani difranco song i love so much.

'i am not a pretty girl.
that is not what i do
i am no damsel in distress
i don't need to be rescued
so put me down, punk.
shouldn't you prefere a maiden fair?
i am not a kitten, stuck up a tree somewhere.

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never their own fears.

imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty
and smiling.
but i'm sorry,
i'm not a maiden fair
i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere....

and in the end
every kitten gets down
whether or not you ever show up...'

because, yeah, when it comes down to it, despite my insecurities, i don't want to be a pretty girl, someone who people look at and smile at my prettiness. that's not the aim.

i really don't want to ride away on a white horse with a prince. i'm dubious about the ethics of horse riding. and deeply opposed to the monarchy. and matrimony.

i make a shit princess. :) and now, today, i think i can look in the mirror, at my scruffy boyish blonde hair, and cow print socks and 'clodhopper' boots, and acne scars, and smile happily that i am no princess, and i'm happy that way. very very happy as this disheveled little thing. on her way to being a Liber-narian!

quickly quickly

1.

i saw my dream socks in a magazine, only to realise that the designer has no website. and there is no way i am buying a magazine for a couple of images in an ad. i have emblazoned the image of the socks in my mind, and now will be searching for a basic tow up pattern, in 1x1 ribbing. for me to play with. they are exquisite socks. already have perfect yarn, this beautiful soft grey-blue tencel merino blend, which i have 6 balls of. not enough for a jumper, too much for a hat, perfect for thigh high loose ribbed socks of heavenlyness.

2.

for candy-day, my lovely lachlan got me 'compassionate knitting' - the sequal to 'mindful knitting' - the patterns are actually really beautiful, very readably written, and there are a lot a lot a lot of things i want to knit from there.
first, the socks.

3.

taste of tea last night were so vibrant and shimmery and wonderful. i enjoyed. lachlan bailed, so it was just me and my New Best Friend henry, who i met through an add in a street press to make music with. admittedly, i think my skills are too limited to actually make any music with him. but he is great, and he is fun, and he is our new friend. and he loved taste of tea too.

4.

uni makes me nervous. it's been awhile. but i'll be ok, i know i will. i am big and strong, and i can do this.

5.

i am thinking of a strict tv diet. like, a tv detox for a month, partly inspired by the last episode of 'house' where hugh lorries character performed brain surgery. he's a diagostitian. not a neuro-surgeon. this is stupid and irritating. so i think. it's time to say goodbye to the commercial channels, and if i need to watch tv, it is abc/sbs only.

6.

love my red socks. oh yes. must photograph them.

7

i hate the media. i hate them. (crazy family mess. no more talk of what. media are vultures, and evil and will rip apart anything, regardless of the truth, for a good story.) i'm keeping my faith in some sort of universal even-ness, and trying to avoid the sneers, as joking as they may be. people don't know what it's like until they have been there, and i don't wish what has happened to my family on my worst enemy.

8.

want to end on happy note.
therapy is going so well right now. so so so well. happyface.

beautiful raining day

1.

rain rain happy rain.

it's very beautiful and cold and silky and goooood. i am very much enjoying the rain.

2.

my wallet has been lost. somewhere. i am cautiously optimistic it is in the couch. or under the shit on my floor somewhere. i am going to dig when i get home.

3.

sock! yes! sock! my pleasure has not yet diminished, but my hand started to hurt so i had to stop for a bit. but no mor pain = more sockking.

is that a verb? no? it is now.

4.

oh i love rainy days so so so much.

5.

i had a hot chocolate today. it was awfully good. and delicious banana bread for breakfast.

6.

i've been thinking about makeup again, which is what i always do when my skin gets bad. i need to remind myself of my Feminist Convictions that i don't need to give into a mass cultural notion of female beauty, and my selfhood is not contingent on not having acne scarring and pimples. i get into a debate, proving my points for why i don't need to wear makeup, in order to counter the fact that someone always makes a comment on how i should. i will Grit Teeth And Bare It.

two words. sock. knitting

1.

i gave in, and started knitting a sock. and yes, yes i understand now this craze and insanity over sock knitting. lacy. red. socks. god yeah. i feel complete. with socks.

2.

worked out what i am doing with uni which is good. less good is the scaryness of the syllabus - information architecture? systems architecture? ergh. yeah. i have my unit outlines, i feel ready to Hit the Books.

3.

have read another book in my aim to Read Ten. ok. didn't finish it - 'memories of my melancholy whores' - because i hated it. it was boring, the writing didn't interest me, the story didn't interest me, the subject matter didn't interest me. so i made it halfway through. that was good. am now reading a great proof from work of some german book that outsold harry potter, and the divinci code last year. go the germans. go fantastic german book.

4.

my skin is gross, and lachlan is talking about eating brain. this is making me shudder.

and his art, which is reinvigorating him deeply at the moment. he will soon be making spectacularily exciting things once more. the things that he is interested in are so much more interesting than what i am.

5.

watched 'spinal tap' ... and 'saved' ... emily adores 'saved' so we all merrily watched it. we are like a strange, special post-modern family unit in l's apartment.

6.

lifted brow photos are grouse. there is a very super spunky one of lachlan, and a special one of me drinking tea, and looking elogated.

7.

super-big music week - taste of tea, the necks, and a colaboration between the two. well, artists from the two. so that's three exciting things in a week. very jam-packed.

8.

rialto decibel choir played during the week. happyface. we missed the 'shiver like timber' launch, but i adore adore adore the choir-ettes far too much to miss their shows. (unless it's late at night, in the city, in fat louis and i can't be bothered and it's a friday, for god's sake, there are people everywhere.)

9.

23 year old girl sexually assulted in kelvin grove last sunday. this is just so sick, and angry making and vile, and out of control. and i'm not being paranoid. this is a rational response to the disproportinate number of attacks against women in brisbane at the moment.

10.

sock knitting has distracted me from everything else for the last few days.

hey someone? please give me $50

1.

found a scholarship for the degree i want to do! a full, heaps-o-money scholarship. downside. not at the uni i enrolled in. in the uni i really didn't want to go to. but, hotdamn, its free. so, now i have to pay the late fee and enrol there in order to be able to GO to the university if i actually get the scholarship, which the lovely lady behind the counter who i spoke to emplied was a distinct likelyhood because no one applies. yay for no one reading the bottom of the QUT virtual page. i'd really rather study part time through curtin, but, well, if someone is going to give me a $20 000 degree, who am i to say no?

2.

had a Tea Party on friday, with carly, her housemates, and some other lovely people. it was like we were all drunk, but we were sober, just high on sugar and laughing at balderdash. it was the best party i have been to in ages.

3.

lachlan made the most amazing pasta with mushrooms last night.
in fact, it was a wonderful day. came home from work, had cheese and bickies and wine and cake with lachlan and emily, watched more crappy tv, had naps and snuggles.... and then woke up to a beautiful dinner. it couldn't be more perfect.

4.

i got a haircut, which i feel a little insecure about. actually, quite insecure about. its a. very short and b. cut out most of the colour, so for the first time since i was 14, it's the natural ash blonde. i think i am going to tolerate it. and, god, the hairdresser filled it up with goop. i hate goop. which i am sweating out when walking from one end of the city to the other to fill out forms, get forms, et al, et al. such is what happens when you forget to check for scholarships before the day before it closes. god, i love women's equity scholarships. they make me happy in my heart.

5.

the airconditioning in the state library is dreamy.

6.

i now am begining life without a credit card, after mother paid mine off; this was very good, but also very bad because i can't access a cent until the end of the week or the beginning of next week because i have no plastic to get it out, and don't want to pay bank fees. erghtttt.

7.

had an amazingly constructive day in therapy. i am learning to Not Blame Myself For Everything, and that Everything Is Not My Fault. which is good. i just have to let myself feel things rather than block them out. i need to feel mad and sad and stuff. poopies.

pre-work update

1. giant breakfast at alibi
lachlan and i updated our laptops together.

2. i have been playing with sound, looping violin notes around each other in garageband. it's fun! i like making simple simple melodies and drones.

3. speaking of drones..... SunO))))) and Boris are touring in may, to australia! this is metal i love. i am very excited. their duet album is so beautiful and rich and dense...

4. GOGOL BORDELLO!!!!!! on my BIRTHDAY! one of my favourite bands are playing on my birthday. i never thought i would get to see them. ever! and they are touring to australia, and playing in brisbane on my birthday. this is super exciting also.

5. library traineeships have just come up.
we are allll going to pray to the job fairy or kwanyin or guanyin or whatever we want to in order for me to get one, despite the fact i am totally overqualified. (this nis a very bad thing because they want to give them to people who have no qualifications. the fact i have a degree, albeit a useless one, could severely impeed my chances...)

6. i watched 'degrassi : schools out' last night. i was entertained.

7. i am uploading lachlans WoW patch.

8. i am saving. i am being really, really good with money. i want a holiday. to japan. really, really badly. and i want to teach there. i am going to do a year of refugee ESL teaching, in order to get a handle on weather or not i enjoy it. but then, i want to have my overseas adventure. i need to ... learn to cook. learn to be responsible with money. learn to be more emotionally independent.

another one of those 'too much coffee' days

again, all free coffee. i find at meetings related to business-y things, people just hand you coffee. bodum-ed coffee. delicious coffee. even if you have already had your short black-of-god-from-jerry-on-the-way-to-work. hm....

this made my hand shake when opening up the mail and punching holes in things. i did a Lot of hole punching, which is always the sign of a good day. and opening of letters. sign of a not good day. so it balanced out.

my money - tally is continuing on. go me! can you believe it? almost a week has gone by, and i am still managing to keep it up. i am going to be Responisble with my Money, goddamn it. yes. i will. i think-i can. like the little red engine. or the engine that could. whatever. i get them confused.

tomorrow is another fieldtrip, up the coast to see the Factory and meet the Factory people i talk to on the phone all the time. this is exciting because it means i get paid to sit in the car for a few hours. whooooot!

reading tally-
bridegroom was a dog.
strangers
in search of a distant voice
zen flesh, zen bones.

currently reading - byron bio, and village of stone by ziaolu guo.
god, i know there were more. i am really anticipating my tenth book.

i also read two teen novels - 'fix' - a book about teens getting plastic surgery which was didactic in the most suspicious way - it is OK to get plastic surgery as long as you are going to do it for 'yourself' - what the fuck?
and 'the lottery' which was a really interesting book about a school where one student is chosen by some super-secret sub-committee to be the kicking dog for the whole year, ignored by the student body, and picked to do random, horrible tasks or be austrocised further. it was a lot more interesting than i thought it would be.
neither of those books count towards the tally because they were work books, and i read them in around half an hour. they need to be Mine. and i need to not have already read them.

so.... now i recall, there really were only four. what to buy when i get to number ten, eh? there is this incredible book on amazon.com about japanese artist's books that looks fantabulous, and i deeply want. maybe that one? hm.... or should i get a novel? i want to read kafka on the shore really baaadly, and dance dance dance... curious to see if i enjoy the other murakami books as much as wind-up bird and norwegian wood. oh oh oh, there is beauty and sadness as well, though, which i have been meaning to get.

and for everyone's information, there is Now, finally, an australian edition of 'palm-of-the-hand stories,' by kawabata - through palgrave macmillian. this is exciting to me, and probably no one else. but oh well.

the american edition is more attractive, as usually is the case. my temptation to simply order all my books of amazon is overwhelming at times. i would save a significant ammount.

two jobs, a drivers licence, and a solo overseas trip.

1. am at nikhi's, visiting people and reptiles.

mr turtle is looking Beautiful as always. he is very cuddly.
i have made use of the scanner to beautify my blog and such. so i have drawings, and pictures, and stuff on flickr to upload at my leasure. which is not now, by the way.

2.
job number two starts up again tomorrow. i feel really warey for no good reason.

3. they are paying for me to get my licence. this is the incentive i need. but don't actually want, mind you. but need. argh. i am still not sure what exactly it is i am suppose to be doing in said job. arghth.

4. lachlan doesn't think he wants to go to japan to teach after all. which means a bit of a change of plans for ickle me. hm. oh well. i'll have to work out when is the best time, in regards to leases and such. it's probably going to be around mid-year or so, say, august or something.

5. not any less hot yet. ickreth.

no more WoW. eats time. *image of Big Hungry Mouth Eating Time...*

saturday oh saturday

...at home. at my own home for a rare change. my free wireless is more reliable but slightly slower than lachlan's is. we are investigating getting a legitimate internet connection some time soon. soonish.

the only issue being the contract. i want to move. big move. over the ocean move. like, japan move. we can teach english there. we have the qualifications. the only thing stopping us is money. well, the only thing stopping me is money. the only thing stopping lachlan is nerves. so i give it a year. one more lease renewal on l's part, and we will be off. beyond the sea. or at least, i want to move to melbourne. i want out of brisbane. there are too many hungry ghosts for me.

i'm so tired of my stupid brain right now. god.

.....................

i conjour forth an image:



or a sound:

ornate music, gentle ornate, not overly complex or threatening, but beautiful, gentle ornate simplicity. its rhythm is impossible to reproduce in words, so i'll not try. i sit in -the room- as the music washes over me, drifts soaks tiptoes over me, say like snowfall falling into eyelashes, melting softly. the melting replicates teardrops. i feel it echo out of a guitar which, strangely resembles top-deck chocolate - white and brown.

the music is underpinned by a drone, that grows stronger and heavier, over the exquisite melody. the drone blankets over the notes, and solidifies the sound. the melody is dead. the melody is nothing now, not even flittering softly over the drone that fills the room. not that the drone is without beauty. but it's one that lies over me and tries to cover my mouth and eyes. it's like a fog, that obscures my vision. it's like a fog that obscures the melody. but i can't tell if the melody is playing anymore. i have no idea, because all i hear is the drone.

i don't know what is going on right now. i feel.
i never said how beautiful the melodies were. i never said how sacred and special and perfect. and now, the drone is too loud to even speak.


.....................


late dinner post anime. the problem with the programme at GOMA is that two sessions of shorts is slightly overwhelming. it's hard to enjoy, or absorb what is going on when you have so much mental stimulation.

late dinner was excellent. lachlan is an angel cook. i feel so tired.

i went to sleep listening to sigur ros, ()

i woke up and read the first half of 'wherever you go, there you are' again. i re-vamp my meditation practice. i reinvigorate my mindfullness practice. it has fallen by the wayside, and i am making the stupid mistake of assuming my mind and heart are out of my control.

tornado!

1. i should not be excited about a tornado, but there is one up the coast apparently. this is bizzare. we never, ever get them.

2. my IBS has been chronic today. lying on stomach a lot.

3. lachlan cooked this incredible potato-omlet-mushroom-and-tomatoe thing for breakfast/lunch. it was so good and spicy and strange - the mushrooms were indian, while the omlet was spanish. but perfect anyhow.

4. i met small cheese!!!!! chelsea from knitty's sister is in australia, and i took her and her buddy ashley to the alibi room, where i gave her the directions to the LYS, and sung them 'the vegemite song'. brittany still does not understand vegemite as a food product. we had a lovely time.
cheese, or 'chesty' as she instructed i call you - your sister is wonderful fun!

5. made new friend with guy in unit number 2. he is very sweet, and gave me a beer.

6. i am drawing strange things from this amazing book lachlan has borrowed off christine. i am going to make an artists book of the images.

7. i have to attempt to remember to put in proposals for the three of so shows i am interested in. i am guessing i am going to forget.

8. lachlan also lost the recipe he wanted to cook for dinner. this has equalled him being in something of a poopy mood. eep.

9. we got in a $90 book of photographs of japanese dogs. this both baffles and amuses me. and a beautiful one of kimono fabrics. it's from happysupplier.

10. day two of No Needless Spending has gone well.

11. it's australia day, and we are going to south bank because there is another 'after anime' on tonight. southbank is going to be unfortunately full of intoxicated people and their bratty kids. (unlike the art gallery, which is filled with beautiful people and their wonderful kids.) i am hoping everyone is going to be gone by 7pm. we can dream, right?

12. i want to make lachlan a special book to keep his recipes.

13. i am drinking even more tea than usual. this special, chinese herbal stuff aimed at detoxing. it's actually delicious as well, which is fortunate.

14. my dreams last night were really vivid, really strange. realisic as fuck, scary, everyday. i feel shaky just thinking about them.

storm walking home humid lovely

sometimes, humidity is dreamy.
that fetid damp heaviness that covers you, clings to you, makes you feel as though you are emersed in a tepid bath. i am not completely sure why i enjoy it right now ; the heat has made my skin break out, and my hair turn into a mop ; and my energy levels drop down to nothing ; and sweat cling to every inch of me ; but right now, there is something beautiful and perfect about the density of the heat.

there was a storm which trapped me at work for a bit, rain so heavy it started to flood the carkpark, sky completely grey and sheeted. lovely lovely lovely.

'my house' is a metaphore i use in therapy. which is facinating considering how, in the past, images of rooms have been so important to complex verbal constructions in my life. the room i described was where i feel like i am when i am lost and alone and empty. on one hand, it is intensely comforting. it is the utter epitome of a fantasy room, the carving out of my soul into a template. but, on the other hand, there are aspects that keep snaking in, crawling like maggots out of the ground and invading. and when i feel panicked, and trapped, i find there is no door, and i feel so completely alone.

in other versions of the room, i sit coiled under the sheets and velvet throw, weeping, my tears tumbling out, as the incense smoke forms a familiar face that hovers above me, mocking me, taunting me, laughing at how feeble and pathetic and meaningless i am. i am compared to other, so much better people, and i feel like i am fading away to nothing, because i do Nothing with my life, i do Nothing with my heart, and i am being swallowed by the bed, and the incense, and the condensation, and the spaces between the words formed in the condensation.

in other spaces, the words inscribed in the window become tattooed across my feet, they form through my feet with the agony of a tattoo on such a sensitive place. i keep it going, i don't let it stop, i scream in agony, i watch the words form, i cry and cry and cry, and know that it's a lie, but at the same time, this marking of my flesh marks that, no. it's not a lie. those words cannot ever be a lie.

in others, the floor is carpeted in red thread. it's tangled around my feet, wrapped around my wrists, spun through my hair, cascading over onto the floor from the point on my toe i have attached it. i want to find the other end, because i know it was long since severed, ripped forcibly and bleeding across the room, because i am alone in the room, so completely alone. but i cannot find the end within the scrambled, scattered tumble of yarn over the floor. i don't know if the end is there after all. i have no idea.

-------



i start my Intensive Saving Plan next pay. mother has, in tones of desperation and begging, told me she is paying off my credit card. this makes me feel filthy, but at the same time, i am not going to question it too hard, because hot damn, i want to save some $$ so travelling becomes a reality sooner rather than later. i am thinking we save for the year, and move overseas at the end. this is the plan, and is less likely to cause a heart attack then my "petal, we are moving overseas in a month' that i threw on lachlan last time. hehehe.

at the moment, i keep getting the feeling of 'doing nothing' again. that stagnate, creatively constipated feeling. i need to sit back and stop stressing because i end up like a knot in the centre of a pile of rat's tails. this is not conducive to mental security.

make art.
knit. (when it's less hot)
read read read read read before uni starts
study.
feel useful.

heat sad ick heat gross

1. damo suzuki was incredible. he played with 'taste of tea' who are this wonderful local band with friends of lachlans in them, and they created the most wild, chaotic, rythmical frenzy. like what i imagined animal collective would have been, only so much better. there were people dancing like no one was watching, and they made me happy. the support band were great, apart from the singing which just made me sort of irritated. oh well.

2. it is too hot. i hate summer.

3. jobs are gross.

4. dorothy is wise. i need to eat properly. it is definately why i am getting this insane moodswings. food is my friend. eating is my friend.

5. reinterating the hot-ness. gros. gross. grosss. grossss.

6. documented the begining process of cousin nikhi's tattoo. it's looking beautiful; so much like tubby (the lizard who she is having tattooed) that it's eerie. loz is a fabolous artist. he is also amused by the fact my fishy looks more like a dugong. ah well. aquatic critters are All cool.

heheh.

lions and tigers and jobs, oh MY

1.

feeling deeply anxious to the point of wanting to vomit today. included in this is - desire to get haircut, wax eyebrows and not eat in order to afford lazor treatment on my acne scarring. IE, i feel hidous. this is stupid, and i'll get over it. i hate feeling anxious very very much. it is mixed in with a solid, low level depression and a feeling of creative impotence. *pulls blanket over head*

2.

need another job, found one, will apply for it. it's going to be a bitch to do along side my masters, but the idea of paying off my debts is just Too exciting.

3.

i need to cut down internet time again. i am using it in a compulsive, unhealthy, creepy manner. i need to also cut down TV. as a reward, for each 10 books i read, i can buy a new one.

- so far, i have read 'in search of a distant voice,' 'strangers,' 'bridegroom was a dog' 'zen flesh, zen bones,' which is four. six more, and i get to BUY one. whoot.

4. i keep forgetting to eat. this is stupid. god, i need some sort of organisation.

5. i am going with nikhi for her to get her next tattoo today.

6.
damo suzuki is playing tonight which is very exciting.

7.
my new favourite band is def center.

belated long entry

all my recent posts have been cut short. in the middle of posting, i've been interrupted, or the internet cut off, or whatever.
frustrating.

anyhow. i will extrapolate on that which i wish to extrapolate.

in furthering my film-ic education, i saw 'brazil' - lachlan adores it - he finds the humour tempers the darkness of the film. i found it relentlessly horrifying, and a lot of the humour missed the mark for me. he considered 'pan's labyrinth' much darker and more harrowing. personally, i found 'pan's' to be so utterly enchanting, and beautiful that the darkness was only to mirror the light within the film. and vice versa.

i finished reading 'strangers' by taichi yamada - which was lightly drawn, delicate and hypnotic, a lovely ghost story with a wonderful, cut off end that leaves nothing really resolved, but in the perfect sort of way. i am now reading his other translated book 'in search of a distant voice' which i think is lacking something of the earlier title - but i tend to think it is a lack in the translation rather than in the book itself. the story is stronger than that of 'strangers,' and weaves around in an interesting way. and, it's a lazy read compared to my byron bio.

what else.... i have drunk too much coffee today. this is something that tends to typify my tuesdays. coffee. and i got called into work this morning, which was mildly irritating, but an extreme relief because i am on the verge of completely running out of money. this upsets me greatly. god. i need money. i need a real people job. hence the librarianness.... soonish. pah.

this much coffee has given me a stomach ache. i hate jobsearching so much.

how utterly surreal. i just typed censure into dictionary.com to test the spelling. it's the word for the day.

indulge me here:

i conjour forth an image.
a room, four walls, lit by candles. focal point of room is a four poster bed, billowing silk red fabric cascading over the timber. incense burns in a metal vase, filled with sand. the walls are lined with books, but for a gap for a window. the floor is scratched timber. luxurious thick persian rugs cover the ground. a chest lies at the end of the bed, inside of which rests a kimono, silver silk with midnight blue, patterned lightly with a shimmering visage of the moon. below lies thin paper, that fades to nothing on closer inspection, with scrawling ant-like text scuttling over the pages, from one sheet to another.

outside it is storming, the wind shuddering a branch across the window; it is silent in the room, still but for the movement of the incense smoke and the crawling waves through the canopy upon the bed. the candlelight illuminates the silk threads in the canopy, making the movement seem like sparks upon the fabric.

the room is warm, outside cold. condensation forms upon the inside surface of the window, jewelled minute droplets forming a white haze. i sit in the bed, naked, watching as words form in the condensation, written by an invisible hand.

forever utterly thine.

i am completely alone in the room. there is no door, the window is unopenable. i wrap a threadbare, dark blue velvet throw over my knees, shivering despite the warmth. there is not enough light to read, and were i to reach to a book on the shelf, to pull off a - delicious, leather, gilded, aromatic, pages soft with the indentation of the printind from each page - from the shelf, i would find it unreadable. the book would fade and become transparent, and were i to shelve it, it would dissapear. it is a library of babel of sorts.

i feel a dry sort of sickness in the back of my throat. no one knows i am here. no one can get me out bar myself. i cannot cry or scream, or laugh or make a sound. i feel dead, and trapped, and drunk in the beauty of my surrounds. the light flickers over my flesh, my skin glows white. i feel so desperately alone.

my eyes are transfixed by the words enscribed in the condensation, that wrote through my soul with an invisible empty hand. i sit and stare at the window waiting for them to fade.

..................................

ok, done. for now.

no. more. coffee. for. me.....

i have this incredible pasta waiting for me at home. lachlan even made the pesto himself. he is amazing, if sleepy all the time.

lifted brow and mr turtle

1. lachlan and i have a pet turtle! his name is Mr Iggy Turtle, because iggy pop looks a lot like a turtle. i tend to call him mr turtle. nikhi is going to look after him for a few months, until we get one place (rather than the current situation of us living across two apartments).

2. lifted brow launch! it looks incredible, really beautiful layout, simple but perfectly effective. i am exceedingly happy about my article, which ronny edited to perfection.
2a. bands were fabulous - marlinchen's final song was one of the most moving pieces of live music i have heard. lachlan had tears in his eyes, (not just because he was a little... wine-ed up) and i was not far off it. jasmine's voice was so stunning, and her lyrics are so clear and pure. the mix was so much better in the troubadore, rather than in ric's. if only the cord or something hadn't kept distorting the violin. but god. the last song was like a culmination of all the other songs. goddamn the fact that will be their last show. sadface. glenda. you need to tell me what will be happening. ok? * eyeballing my lovely glenda over the internet*
2b. it was like a giant party with all our friends in a troubadore. i would list them all, but it would take too long.

pan's labyrinth

1.
last night, our plan was to see volver. only, our dinner was late, and i had to swap the tickets over to tickets for 'pan's labyrinth'. but by god, what an incredible film. the effects were beautiful, surreal more than real. the violence was horrifying, but so necessisary, so effective. a deeply memorable film. the story was beautiful, sad, at the same time euphoric...

2.
i'm Going to Uni! ok, not that exciting. but i am damn glad i got my record sorted out, and i can go and start my masters now. filling out forms and sending them off today. whoooooot!!!!! librarian me! i am going to be a Grouse librarian!

zen flesh, zen bones

i ordered 'zen flesh, zen bones' - a translation of a collection of zen koans and works - from work, and bought it. this is unusual for me... i usually order something, leave it on the shelf for a few months, and then spend a few hundred dollars in a buying frenzy. but. i've wanted a readable introduction to zen buddhism for a long time, and it's an excellent, readable collection of important zen texts. and that is the way to understand understanding zen - through reading it, rather than explainations of it, second hand. it's a clearer, fleshier way to get to the heart of it. i think i have a book 'the heart of zen' which bamboozles me, but not sufficiently to clear my mind and be zen. in any way.

i've recovered old shawl of cashmere and am picking at that between the alpaca one.... i've just fallen in love with the stitch pattern in 'victorian lace today' and the ease of knitting with alpaca, the laceweight of which is infinitely stronger than the cashmere - as much as the cashmere is feather soft, and so light and airy as to feel like it's not even there, the constant breaking shits me. the silk is softer, and about 50 times stronger. it withstood all sort of abuse in my many attempts at self-designed shawl. so my 4 cones of silk stare at me, me at them, and i play with the current shawls. i am deeply excited about being knit-proficient enough to embark on one of the giant, spiral shawls in 'victorian lace today'. oh lordy that is one exciting lace book. and 'a gathering of lace' and 'artic lace' are so so So high up on my list of things to knit.

hey, i get paid for my 'brow' contribution! whattya know! i will get a knitting book, and/or yarn with it to celebrate Knitty Article Publication. and if any of my lovely knitty angels are interested in reading about the Knittyboard, you can order it through 'the lifted brow' link to your right.

i have had too much coffee today. v. at the IMA ended up with a ten minute rant about book distribution in borders verses in other brisbane bookstores, followed by a run down of my favourite books, and the necessity of stocking translated literature in order to gain a fuller experience of contemporary international publishing. yes. coffee makes ranting. hm.

and back to our normal programming...

last few days abnormally foul mood is clearly attributed to PMT. as also are the pimples.

1. parcel is arriving tomorrow! japanese knitting book! japanese cat knitting book!

2. new WoW character, and i managed to level it up to 10 in One Session. this is not impressive. but is impressive for me. lachlan is, however, a terrible backseat computer-game-player. my inability to know left from right is frustrating for him, as is my lack of hand eye coordination when it comes to computer games. this amuses me.

3. we had an incredible dinner at isis last night, for belated annimaversary. deeeeeeeeeliciously amazingly good, and honestly worth every cent. fine dining is really worth it, as a... once yearly treat.

4. byron is currently in venice, being an amusing prick. the more i read the bio, which is, by the way, easily the best written bio i have ever read- i usually loath bios - the more i feel he really is a nasty piece of work. deeply amusing from a historical distance, but by no means a heroic, adulation figure. there is a curious article on RoN (romanticism on the net, see sidebar linky) dicussing a feminist reading of byron. this link is very very tentative, and their idea of feminism is also ... a strange, essentialist, "feminine energy" wankery type. byron did like some women, but, he was a mysogynist. attempting to say otherwise is pulling at straws. he's hardly espousing a proto-feminist worldview. there was also a really great article on the interaction between the works of byron and the works of shelley which was sharp, cutting towards shelley's work, and, dare i say, somewhat byronic in tone. it made me laugh out loud as i read it.

i find the facination with a self proclaimed womanhater really interesting in me, from a feminist perspective. i loath that aspect of byron; but his misogyny and classism, his very dubious morals in relation to minors (and don't give me that about 'times being different - prepubescent is prepubescent - and although there is no proof he ever did have sex with a child, there are some indications it was on his list of things to do... ) does the angel, the shelleyan, ideal byron, the byron of wit and pathos and bathos with a sensitive, gentle touch at what it is to be human, outweigh the reality?

5, currently watching 7 ebay auctions. don't intend to spend anything. just watching. this is making up for having to miss the lifeline bookfest due to lack of funds. speaking of which, i need to find some Imaginary Money to go to doctors with for medication, and mole check. life is too romantic sometimes.

6. shawl will continue on much better when one is away from lachlans WoW account and the capacity for me to spend too long pretending to be a Magical Warlock Princess of Doom with Pet Monster.

7. should be hearing back RE uni soon. librarian me, here i come.... look out library world. well. sort of. oh, and look out for lachlan too.yes... though he is waiting a little longer, probably starting midyear, or next year.... librarian us!

before anime and byron

last night, lachlan and i went to 'before anime' at goma - a series of early animated shorts from japan. it was increeeeedible. the animation featured papercut figures with the most exquisite japanese paper, in really wonderful shapes. the stories were strange, but far less strange and terrifying than early western animation, which is one of the most deeply disturbing things known to humankind. i have seen some shorts of it on our local tv station and it just makes me want to curl up in the fetal position.

but it's a great series, looking at the fringes of japanese animation - my main interest in anime is the aesthetics of it - the plots generally don't do much for me... though i did love howls moving castle and spirited away - admittedly howls moving castle is based on a fantasy novel. but yeah, it's easy to see where the richness and beauty of contemporary anime comes from in seeing these shorts. we left after the first session - l. tired, me knowing that two hours of surreal cartoons would send me over the edge into crazytown. we'll probably try and catch the first 'beyond' next week - lifted brow launch though, so i'm not completely sure if we'll have time. tis all very exciting.

other news - in an attempt to stave off lack of work boredom, and for my own interest, i am embarking on a 'romantic adddventure!' currently i am reading 'byron, life and legend' - the most recent scholarly biography of byron. part of it's importance is the fact that the author had more access to the john murry archive than previous biographers, thus allowing her to properly investigate the role of his bisexuality in forging his identity as a poet and an individual. ---side - pet hate of mine is labling byron gay - he wasn't. he most definately had carnal desires for womankind. this desire to pop people into one binary or the other shits me. my interest in his sexuality is not for categorising purposes - it's just interesting in the context of his romantic - small r - verses.---- after reading this, i shall embark upon reading his complete works. following this, i am cautiously optimistic that i might, might, might have enough $$ to afford the two volumn shelley biography put out last year.... if not, it'll be that US copy of 'shelley, the pursuit' we have at work, which i haven't read since i was 17 - almost 5 years. then, onto the complete works of shelley. i also want to get a copy of the miranda seymore biography of mary shelley - for context - and then i'll read what works of mary's i can easily get a hold of. current book desires match this interest. i want a proper, updated, scholarly complete works in multi-volumes of both shelley and byron. i am also wanting to go... into... the... past... and investigate coleridge as well. i love christobel. and not just because of 'the cure' b side of that name. admittedly it is one of my favourite cure songs. but yes. my complete works are old. and incomplete and i want copies of the letters.

happysigh. i am going to keep a journal of reading while i do this. not sure if it'll be virtual or paper as yet. at the moment, i want to do a Big Rant about what a vile mysogynist ( i swear to god i spell that differently, and wrongly, every time) byron was. he really was a grotesque, amoral human being. i find him facinating, and i adore his work, but as a human being, ... he was dubious to say the least. i mean, despite space for exaggeration, his frequent comment of 'i detest that sex' towards women is just hideous. and there is only so much appologising one can do on the basis of social context. shelley, despite his constant dragging m. around while pregnant, and his cheating (though, in the context of his ideas of marriage, that perhaps has more to do with free love than with cheating per say) at least has a solid respect for women as human beings. i also find the strong notion of class that completely pervades this time really, really interesting.

shawl continues along merrily, especially during my daytime tv watching.

all cats are grey

...

it's far too late for me to be awake right now. this is what happens in the Month of No Work. i sit around all night, sleep all day, and watch too much 'ready steady cook.'

but. at least i made an effort to go Out tonight. 'fake rolex watch' the support band, were fun and adorable. silly in a good way. marlinchen great as always. i always feel their set goes faster than other bands. their sound is so rich, and dense. i don't want jasmine to go... it makes me sad in my heart... not because of the band, though that will be a shame, but because she is warm and beautiful. and also the reason i didn't get home until 1.45 .... not that this particularily matters as i don't even start work until 1pm tomorrow... or should i say today... arg. stupid lack of work. god.

it makes me depressed and heavy and useless. i bundle up all my issues and seem to pick out the ones i like this week as a way of distracting myself from the lack of work.

so. i am knittying. and knitting.
reading my list of friendwebsites down the sidebar.
WoW'ing on lachlans computer. i leveled up to 8, which is pretty poor. may i reinterate how crap i really am at computer hand-eye coordination games? yes. i am crap. hraesvelg tries, but she is a shitty little blood elf. poor thing. bah. i enjoy it too much.
daytime television.
reading short stories.
raiding emily's dvd collection.

i ponder putting up my adolescent diaries. digitising them. it intrigues me, re-recording my late teenage years. i have three that are the most interesting. one carries me across year 11, through the start of the year where i was merry, to the heavy, solid depression that came down later in the year.
it ends speaking about a pen-pal i started writing to.
the next details ... what happens in regards to that, and my depression slowly subsiding.
the next carries me out of highschool and into early univeristy, than starts again in second year, where i have entire entries focussed on relaying the details of the day. strangely enough, i have the date that m and g first talked about making music together.... yeah.

no.
digitising = bad idea.

i feel sulky and menstral. and lonely because lachlan is either at work or exhausted at the moment. and i feel lonely. no one's fault, well, my own fault really. i feel like i am isolating myself. and i feel heavy and thick and slow and acnecovered and ugly. i feel like hiding and burning off my face, and pathetic for caring. bah.

new york new york

i heard that ryan adams song on the radio on the way back to lachlan's parents house today, and it always makes me teary. i listened to it about 15 times on the flight between NY and sydney, staring at the seat in front of me, dozing, writing in this diary we had to keep about the sky below me, the space between lachlan and i, and the brisbane i had to face when i returned.

i really think of my weeks in NY as the best of my life. really. i mean, it was the last, completely innocent weeks i ever had, the last happy space without that... flood that came in when the straw broke the camels back. it was before i fucked up, fucked the people i loved over, and got fucked over. in some other order. it was... a divine city of busy implosion, of movement and sound and smell, and snow that covered the crossroads in the time it took to order a burger.

new york was walking down broadway in the snow, the light catching flakes falling on top of me, all these snowflakes illuminated by gaudy billboards. and salt crunching below my feet. of realising that i didn't need to be beautiful, or be a princess, or be any linguistic creation because i was happier there than i had ever been before with those titles. sitting on the subway one night, thrown back by the speed, next to someone who became my best friend i had ever had in a matter of hours, i realised how much more i liked myself alone. and i feel that i have remained- not alone - but seperate in a way that has helped me move forward.

the christmas trees on the courner, the abundance of bookstores, the chelsea markets, the subway, the food, the organic supermarkets, the speed, the concrete urban jungle, sprawling parks around every second courner,....

you know, i am not a bad person. i feel like i am, a hell of a lot of the time. but i hear that song, i think back to new york, before i felt like some evil witch cursing the fallen angels, when i was just given this precious space.... and god it was good. it makes me want to run back there every time i think of it.

i mean, i was confused as fuck. i was delirious, and sleep deprived, and hungry, and confused. and confused. but god it was good. it was the magic that new york casts upon many wayward travellers.

2006 in review

1. knitting skills increased. more knitting. i finished... some hats, one jumper, one shirt, a few gloves, and a shawl.

2. therapy. therapy. more therapy. this has made an incredible difference in my life, my outlook, my understanding of the world, and of myself, and of how i have gotten where i am today. i heart therapy. it is good for you. well, for me.

3. knittyboard. knittyfriends. happyface. need i say more?

4. three years with my lovely lachlan.

5. bought more books than i have read. still have read a lot of books.

6. librarything. helped me see that i Do want to be a librarian.

7. became an official university drop-out. :p

8. worked in a cinema for a month or so. worked 3 jobs for a month or so. eeep. madecrazy.

9. caught up on the last 10 years of sleep. see therapy note. it was instructed. really. hehehe.

10. cut out fish.

11. bought new boots.

12. many other things.

the tale of despereaux

which was beautiful and sweet and gentle, and has made me feel thick and slow with sadness, in an abstract, metaphorical, dead sort of way. ... i know what i am talking about, anyhow.

it made my heart beat faster and made me smile in my heart.

i'm attempting to clean my room right now - sorting clothes into piles on my bed. i have a 'keep pile' that is huge, and a 'throw pile' that is small. this is a thankless and boring task. hence the 'stopping and reading a short book' halfway through. i am considering goma-ing today, as a further procrastination method. honestly, i think i would rather do anything than clean my godforsaken room. i am repulsive.

prompted by knitty, i have joined the cult of "no - poo" and now use bi-carb and vinegar to wash my hair, with lovely, clean results. not to mention curly as fuck!


i got on the WoW bandwagon last night at lachlans house, and - sadly but not surprisingly - am appauling at computer games, and tend to get bored after a few hours. see, with a normal computer game, a few hours is ok. WoW needs an investment of time i am just not willing to give. knitting = good. it's a good investment of time. i get a shawl out of it. or gloves. or a jumper. et al. only WoW serves up a higher level character. much less satisfying.

my exciting cat-knitting book has been shipped. it's on a floaty-boaty-over-the-mountain from japan as we speak.
(floaty-boaty-over-the-mountain is an oblique reference to when, half asleep, i once referred to the riverside express way as the floaty-boaty-over-the-mountain. now, i tend to use it as a general adjective for most things.)

i need food. dinner is from the forest tonight, as it is SnB night! whoooot.

i can face the unknown....

i want more degrassi.

erm.

my skin has broken out for no apparent reason. could it be summer? or could it just be the increase of pastries in my diet, bought on by the divine french bakery? monday will be my detox day. primarily due to the fact they are closed.

i slept-ed at my house last night. i am in my bed right now. as much as i adore lachlans apartment, i have a deep, deep love for my own. and my room, despite the messiness and chaos. ok, it's the presence of my books. i love being able to see shelves out of the courner of my eye no matter where i am in my room. i love the lines and cross-hatched pattern formed by the books in the old wine crates on my desk. i love my chaotic ordering system that vaguely makes sense, but sure as hell makes enough sense for me to be able to find what i want, when i want. unless it's on the floor, then it'll take a little longer. the rhythm, the patterns, the fullness of the space they occupy.... it makes me feel warm and satisfied in a way few things can.

big book cuddle.

i'm looking into New and Exciting volunteer-things for me to do this month while waiting for r and s work to start up again - not that i am one hundred percent sure it will, because i am thinking they might need a real PA, rather than a crappy, untrained, disoganised PA.

had to frog start of shawl.
it's 'miss lambert's shetland pattern for a shawl' and i upsized the needles to 5mm circulars, and am doing it in laceweight alpaca left over from my attempt at those cute little gloves in knitty, which are beautiful, but really unsuited to alpaca in australia.


on that note --------> cheese! do you know my email address? email. me. i tried to find your LJ, but as i only navigate through my friends page, i couldn't find you. or monkeemoo, give me her mobi-nile. or her email... monkeeemoooo is wise. i want to to show Big Cheese brisbane-stuff.

puggles!!!!!!!

yes! here are the pictures! have you ever seen anything more beautiful in all your life?????



awwwwwww.

cute!

in other news, i got my copy of 'victorian lace today,' which is tremendous, and finished the hat. actually, started the hat and finished the hat out of the handspun ingeo i got many moons ago. all in all, its a strange fibre to knit with. quite unforgiving, but not strong like silk. stiff, but quite soft. not very stretchy, not a great deal of flexibility. the hat looks... special. sort of ... limp and strange. but i like it. and the colours are incredible.
oh god, i just dropped tea on the keyboard. please be ok, little computer.

lachlan and i went to see m ward. his set was beautiful and intimate and vibrant, but the stand out was his encore, where he played his accustic guitar like nothing i have ever seen. he built it up to the point where the sound was more intense than the two drumkits that were on stage with him earlier. i've never heard such a thick, intense, powerful sound come out of such a small piece of wood. and his voice is just soft and rusty, and the guitarist was wearing a 'worlds greatest grandpa' shirt. (he was of grandfather age, not someone being ironic.)

starting shawls.

i emailed wendy, who wrote the wonderful knitting article in this issue of 'bitch' magazine.
this could be leading to something beyond excitement for me.... but i can't go into any details. i am whooping around the house with possible excitement though.

i am cooking tonight, because i am a Good Partner who helps my hardworking lachlan by attempting to cook. hmm... he is yet to be poisoned by my cooking, which is great. i am also on a venture for new skincare as i am acnecovered once more. oh sigh.

PUPPY!! and Jumper is finished!

alllright! i finally finished lachlans jumper. images will be up soonish.

today, i am going to meet my younger sister - aka, my parent's puppy. animals are family members.

very excited.

read second story in 'bridegroom was a dog' -which utterly blew me away. the use of description manages to leave you off centred the whole time, yet it is so beautiful. the images are sketches of scenes which are both unclear and evocative. the next paragraph will then move and clarify the image into something else. she uses the language not just to create a surreal landscape, but to show the reader how language is not fixed, the world is not fixed, and there is a sense of alienation in all of us towards our external landscapes. very happy.