today, i rant about adolescent literature

specifically jaqueline wilson. she is england's most awarded teen writer, and is crap. totally, utterly, gendered, poorly written, slow, tedious, crap. i am so baffled by her popularity. specifically, her awarded popularity. i like trashy books, especially trashy teen books, much more than the next person. but there are so many Better titles out there.

scott westerfield is going to be my example. his 'uglies' 'pretties' and 'specials' books are taut, intelligent and meaningful. they are clearly aimed beyond gendered, don't write with the assumption that the soul interest of the teenage girl is romance, include more complex storylines, complex characters, and satisfying twists.
wilson has a limp, overwraught style. slightly hysterical even. it's akin to overacting, and is so inauthentic that i feel like slapping all the characters.

julie-anne peters writes girl problem novels. bett william's 'girl walking backwards', and sara ryan's 'empress of the world' are both romances, admittedly queer, but with intellegent, strong, complex girls - not drivelly, petty, two dimensional cookie cut out stereotypes.

rant over.

icecream makes a delicious delicious deeeelicious lunch.
new year tonight. whoot.

new Reading and Knitting year. !!

books and magazines

1. bitch has a fantastic article about knitting and feminism. a lot of the articles focus is on one of my favourite interests, the notion of irony in contemporary crafting. i am not an ironic crafter. i knit because i love knitting. if there is a kitchy element to it, it's not ironic. the question of whether irony negates the 'statement' of crafting in relation to feminism is curious.

2. am reading 'the bridegroom was a dog,' because they are short stories, which eases me into this month of reading nonstop. the title story was interesting, beautifully written, though i have read some criticism of the translation, but the representation of women and sexual desire is... problematic. the rape motif that appears in a lot of japanese contemporary literature bothers, but intrigues me. it's equally as prevalent in shunga and animation. but the woman as servile, sluggish, and receptical is a re-occuring theme, and is so clear in the title story that i feel... that it's... hm. questionable. i am going to start a Book Journal next month to properly reflect on what i read. i need to think about it more. but the second story is wonderful wonderful wonderful, about a mail order bride.

i mean, maybe she is commenting on the 'passive' woman image, i guess through the surreality detaching the reader... 'inside and other short fiction' contained stronger stories. but, i think, it returns to the issue of translation. still. thoughts unformed. i only finished it an hour or so ago.
back on track for learning my kana.

3. lachlan cooked a beautiful dinner. i am heading back to his place to work on jumper more.

4. found some fabulous feminist websites today.

5. i feel so rich right now. i am utterly, utterly, utterly content.

utterly.

excitement plus!

1. lachlan's jumper almost finished!

2. lachlan was promoted! he is now night second in charge at the supermarket he works at!

3. bought two new books with christmas money as present from uncle for me! 'the bridegroom was a dog' and 'stranger in a distant land' - both of which i have been eyeing off at work for some time. next, 'the river ki' and that strange norweigan novel i found. oh, and 'the woman in the dunes'. yes. yay!

4. new issue of bitch magazine came out, and my copy is in my hot little hands. whoot! every single article in it looks exciting! i love all the bitch articles, but very rarely does every single one interest me on a first browse level! (i have forgiven them for their horribly poor overseas shipping standards).

5. lifted brow is ready to go!

wake up in the morning, feeling shy and lonely...

i've spent the last two days watching non-stop degrassi episodes. i started on series one of degrassi high, and then backtracked to series three of junior high after disc two started skipping on me.
i am officially addicted.

i am, however, going to have the themesong in my head for the next month.

this is curtesy of lachlan's holidaying housemate. i need to buy them for myself. actually, for us, because lachlan, surprisingly, enjoys it as much as i do. and, it's not in an ironic sense. i genuinely think it's excellent television. up there with 'the x files' for favourites. and 'seinfeld'. 90's tv, and 80's music. though, strictly speaking, degrassi is more lath=e

this is helping me heal after watching 'ghost world' which made me feel ill. it was an excellent movie. just ... extremely close to home. i mean, thora birches character walked practically the same line as i did, in that same time period. only, rather than her older, idolised man losing his job and living with his mother... well... we all know what happened. still. that look of confusion, that desperation and loneliness at being a jobless, loser outsider teen, with virtually no friends.... yeah. i needed industrial strength degrassi. and that i have had. oh, and a pulp dvd. lachlan has been under the sad assumption that pulp is typified by 'common people'. he will be undertaking re-education. actually, i will leave that to emily, as she is the music journalist.

lachlan and i celebrated our 3 year anniversary. happyface. we ate crossants for dinner, and watched more degrassi, while he poured over his vegetarian cookbook-bible, and i continued knitting his jumper. the jumper, by the way, is going to be finished any day now. yay! it was pretty much a perfect evening, finished off with an early nap. what more could anyone want? apart from a kitten! (ignoring l's allergy here...) tomorrow is back to work. however, this month is tempered with the fun of working... yes, Three days a week..... erg.

well, i will get all my winter knitting out of the way, and get a good firm start on some shawls from victorian lace today, whenever amazon.com feels like delivering it. *sigh*. and amazing cat knitting japan book!. well, and reading. my byron biography and i will be spending some quality time together.


as will my new art books and toy bat. yay!

ok. christmas was fine.

my parents are getting a puppy!
this is the most exciting news.

christmas was quite lovely. i was in a grumpy mood because of various fun physical things.... cysts are not your friends, and nose pimples are also not your friends. however, lachlan and his family cheered me up no end. i feel a little depressed by how... different his family is to mine. but lucky that i get to share in it.

i am upgrading my sitemeter right now -its been down for the week.

saw a wonderful band night on saturday - an 'in finland' folk music night, with some incredible singers. really sad that there wasn't more people there.
and friday night was 'family dinner' at janes place. just wonderful. so many beautiful people, such a lovely evening.

for christmas i got - vitamin ph from lachlan- a great photography book. a divine vase, some wonderful goldfish notepaper, and a bat toy (!!) from lachlan's parents, a tea pot from buddy (yes, buddy the cat), the most sublime piece of artwork - a homage to the babysitters club, from my big sister, and boots from my parents. i am getting myself - 'train man' and another book from work, and Yarn.

people got a variety of things from me. primarily alcohol. i ran out of time to get everyone chickens like i did last year. and all the chickens were sold out when i went to get them from oxfam.
feeling satisfyingly full from lunch-o.

am back at work on L's jumper, halfway up the sleeve, realised i need more yarn. again. so will be begging someone for a knitpicking some time soon. :)

ho. fucking. ho

i hate christmas.

right now, i am angry about several things i don't particularily feel like blogging about.
so i am going to sit around and drink myself into a stupour.

i fucking hate christmas.
have fun with your families everyone.

green yarn = officially cursed

i have started knitting with it 8 times now, each time fucking up within the first ten rows. i am on the verge of burning the stuff.

strange. this is with two different sized needles, four different repeats, each time a different length. i am going to work on my friend the cashmere shawl until victorian lace today shows up.

parcel was IMA gifts! including a years membership to youth arts queensland, very exciting!

sleepy, owing to fact i have er... forgotton to eat today. do other people do that? i had toast. and avacado. and some biscuits.

oh cat knitting book. *happy sigh*

naughty me. japanese cat knitting book

does it get any sweeter?
than ...

this?

http://fleeglesblog.blogspot.com/2006/12/japanese-knitting-book-for-cat-lovers.html

yeah. i ordered one, and am now in love with yesasia. it's easier to use than amazon, and much easier than amazon.jp.

in other news, my lace knitting book has arrived at the post office, and i am picking it up after work as a reward for going out to uni and getting my letters submitted et al. it's gross, and i don't want to. but erg. i will.
poopies.

craft of lace knitting!

which is an Incredibly good book of lace stitches. in fact, utterly, utterly perfect for making my own shawl designs. in addition, i purchased a set of 2.5's because my goddamn 2's have a catch on them, and once Lace Shawl 2 is done, i will be sending them off to be with baby jesus.

lachlan is All Moved In, and we celebrated with harry potter. alright, we didn't, it just happened to be what emily wanted to watch, and we were there, and so we watched it too.

christmas soon. ::sighs:: made slightly less vile by the lovely promise of a christmas family feast at janes. i have to confess that the 'urban tribe' idea of diy families really rings true with me. i love the idea of forming a family through my tribal, loose groupings of friends. i guess that changes with children, but i don't know.... not having any buddies with kids and all.

i'm looking forward to getting to 300 catalogued books at librarything. unfortunately, it's hard to catalogue away merrily when my internet drops out, and i am far too lazy to do an excel spread sheet up with all the other books in them. as well, the order in which i have catalogued my already done books is so nonsensical that i have to dig through to find out which ones i have randomly skipped. i want my books from parents house to live with ME now.

am thinking about speciesism. i detest people interogating me about my decision not to eat meat as though it's a personal affront. or then making fun of any ethical dimension to it.

and also thinking about my blisters. which hurt. and the location of my phone. which is unknown. i want to go over to lachlans and finish off the pasta he cooked last night. only he's asleep and not answering the door. ergo, i call him. argh. where is phone? find phone? no. update blog. then eat. amazinly goood lachlan pasta. in other news, the dear boy is going to get the internet connected in order to feed his love of WoW. which, i may add, is not at an addictive, socially stunting level.
uni sorting continues. it is not fun.
i had my last therapy appointment for the year. i get a month off! in which i get to think about 'betrayal' and how i feel betrayed by people. jollification.

hungryhungry hippo me.
and ran into let's not(but say we did) man and had delightful early morning chat.
oh, the christmas pudding yoghurt at the yoghurt bar blows my mind.... num num NUM! and springleaf tea.

everyone, go drink springleaf ice tea! now! it is not sugary, or anything. deep, tannin flavour. oh tea. think i will have some tea now.

byronic impulses

not of the sexual, sodomising kind, sillies!

just, to read byron. i was looking up quotes in a giant quote book at work, the big oxford one, and i got deeply excited about reading that biography i got in the museum of natural history in NY. or was it the MET? it was somewhere slightly inappropriate. and the complete works. i have a reading copy, as well as my ebay 1838 and my 185- which was my first ever book. god, i want someone to talk romantics with. it aint lachlan's thing, which i understand. but arg. i remember hearing, long ago, there was a movie in the piplines with jonny depp as bryon. how good would that be? actually, on second thoughts, possibly not that good, given that byron tettered towards overweight most of his life, and there is nothing overweight about depp. he just has that :tortured: look, also possessed by lachlan. i am always amused that my little petal looks so tortured, given that he is not even slightly. it's dark eyes, i swear. and being of a Quiet Disposition.

lachlan is moooving today! he is three houses down the road, on the other side, living with the Lovely emily from rave. we will have a party with cucumber sandwiches and tea. well. this is a statement not unlike our planning for making music. it's an ideological party, rather than a real one. it's a small apartment.

wearing in new boots is a dubious sort of fun, given that i now have a lump on the top of my foot. ouchies. but so shiney! so new! so pretty! so boot-y!

in other news, people, for god's sake, don't go into a bookstore asking what your ::insert relative here:: wants. we- the collective bookstore workers of the world - don't care. we want you to go. pick your own goddamn presents. and don't come in a few minutes before closing, stay for 20 minutes, and Still expect me to care. it's my home time.

right now, i am coverting a copy of madam bovery, by flaubert, one of 1000 in the world, cover done by... that shoe designer who is unusually evil. i want this because we have probably the only copy in brisbane, and it's autographed by the illustrator, and it's going to be worth a few grand in a year or so. however, given that it would be folly to as much as undo the plastic wrap, there is little point.


i am about to start my green shawl for the third time. this is because i keep fucking up the gauge, or the number or stitches, or other such things. i have a stitch pattern i am happy-in-my-heart with. i just need smaller needles.

i missed david toop on thursday, owing to being open late. poopies. ah well. there are other Exciting things next year, and a rilato-people show with lets not(but say we did) who i am curious to see on the basis that claire claimes he is my Boy Twin. only, obviously, with that nifty musical talent and drive that i lack.

lifted brow launch!!!! it's in early january, and i have an article in it, and i am excited!

chewing off arm

good:
new b o o t s!
cheap stitch dictionary
colourmart silk arrived

bad:
uni is totally, completely fucked up, and now i have to go through the 'working out how to remove the 1's i somehow got by applying for special consideration due to my mental-ly breakdown thing or whatever. i want to throw up. god. i hate this stuff. i hate it. and i need to get it worked out in order to apply for my library masters, which i have all the info for, it's all ready to go, even my academic transcript (minus the failed - uncompleted subjects i never did...)

::throws things:::::

i am going to Calmly Knit, and wait for shrink to call me back. she will give me a doctors certificate, and it will ALL Be OK.

beta meeee!

i have beta blogger now. this is mildly exciting.

this week in review has entailed:

- movie at GoMAAAAAA .... sorry. it needs godzilla sounds. movie was excellent.

- craft queensland love me, and want to display and sell my shawls. this is un-fucking-believably exciting, because craft queensland is an amazing gallery space. i am happyface of happyface about this. go craft!

- haven't had any exciting live musical times in awhile. lacking interesting things? i don't know.

- part-ay at janes last week. involved a lot of fuzball playing. actually, that was the main thing it involved. it was exceeeeeedingly fun.

- jasmine is moving to toowoomba! oh no! this is terrible. it is good for her, because she got into the music degree she was aiming to get in to. but, jasmine is so beautiful, and wonderful, and wherever jasmine is, is a happy place. and it also means the future looks bleak for marlinchen. also sad. oh well, at least they have an EP being launched so i can listen to their music merrily.

- my Social-week has been working well, and includes - going to stitch and bitch, hanging out with drew, nikhi and brad, going to a party, and seeing a moovie. i am resisting my socially-defective side very hard.

- IMA christmas party was jolllllly, in that the food was deliciously cheap. the actual party was both boring and scarily filled with strangers. free slushy cocktails! seriously, they came out of a slushy machine. hehehe.

- ihave finalised a few more christmas presents, including one for cousin nikhi. now, i Love cousin nikhi, beyond the point of a moral issue with a book, so she is getting a copy of 'deeta von tees' art of the tease.' i made the fatal mistake of looking through it, and it was utterly repulsively hard to reconcile with my Feminist Wiles. however, cousin nikhi comes first. oh, nikhi, if you find this and read it, act surprised. ;)

- i have found my university for next year. now i just have to do the shitty - application - and differing - massive - debt thing. and make sure i can do it externally. curtain university is in western australia. i am not moving to western australia. and, lordy bee, i will be qualified to be a Lib-er-narian in a matter of a few years. !

-lachlan moves into new apartment in a week- well, over this week. he will live walking distance away! not just walking distance, under a BLOCK away. terrrrribly celebratory-worthy.

various mysteries

1. the eternal mystery of my free wireless. and it's illogical nature. and the fact that the ISP keeps changing. the fact that the 'Bethania Junction' location is currently mine. but - weird porn troll also came from this location. this makes me believe that possibly, the wierd troll is local. however, at the same time, troll was from a goverment ISP, while this one is not.
i need to learn more about internet usage.

2. actually, that was the only mystery.


i bought more books.
i actually looked at the art in goma, which is less exciting than the bookstore grounds and architecture, apart from the amish kapoor work, which is miiiiindblowingly exciting. it's deceptively small - it looks epic from the outside.
state library, however, is exceedingly exciting and fun. the info area alone is hours of sitting amusement, with great couches, and more importantly considering the impending summer, air conditioning.

IMA, is to be avoided RE artwork, owing to the clown sex video piece. clowns are frighening.

i've turned off my anonoymous commenting thing, cause troll visits have stopped. though, i am not sure now, owing to the fact my location is comming up as being in logan. LOGAN. that is not where i am. ::scratches head:: i think my loyal site meter is confused.

planned gigs:
rialto people have an upcomming one!
M ward
joanna newsom. i want tickets
no pixies, too expensive.
free movies at GoMA
IMA christmas party with freeness and cocktails whooooot
erm.... what else. not sure.

am reading 'the god delusion' exceedinly funny and goodness.

i missssss you knittyfriends miko et al.
huggles.

i have forgiven you goma.....

oh yeah.....
gomatastic. gomatacular.

i am overstimulated right now by the fabousness of goma, and the bookstore.... in which i spend too much, because peter kindly gave me a 20% discount because he knows i am a fellow bookstorer - also apologied for lack of job interview. he is giving me his details to forward on my resume et al, because well, my interests balance his interest, and i would so dearly love to work with those amazing incredible books .... the budget...! the shelves! the yoshitomo nara t-shirts - the little diaries - the multiple books about nothingness in art. oh god, i am going to die of joy, and delight. and i got a ryman book, and the book on craft that i wanted.

*limpid, pleasurable sighs*
i just have, er... no money anymore. ah well.

and the grounds it is set in, so beautiful. the grass is amazingly lush, i guess being watered with recycled water, so long it moves with the wind. i havent seen grass so long and rich in years. my eyes sting from the wind, from sitting between the gallery and the library for about half an hour. i can taste coffee, and hy hair feels cold and rough from being blown, and salty from the air over the water. i sat, calmed, and watched my spine. it's my prefered meditation focal point over my breath, because i slouch constantly, and watching my spine keeps me more aware.
there was a shado on this clarity and peace, but nothing more than a shadow. it escaped me, and i felt ... less. and i felt good.

the state library is where i read the email where my first - first told me he loved me. it seems fitting now, there is a new gallery, and a new library. this one is out of the floodline, and so much more beautiful, and airy, and fitting with the climate. i knitted a row of my shawl, but the wind picked up and it became an exercise in Extreme Knitting that just hurt my head.

i'm walking up to meet lachlan after work. he's actually got an apartment, and we are going to have a check tonight - sharing with emily, who lives a few apartments away from mine.

i have new shoelaces, and knitted squares from dorothy.

this is a very very very good day.

new world of headaches.

i got home, and the kittycat crawled on me. onto my chest, snuggled up next to my ear. a very happy way to get home.

it's raining, stormy, beautiful. heavy thunder, heavy air, soggy wet smells and that damp divine density that tumbles around you, sitting on the varanda, watching the rain.
i want to sit out there, and let it drench me heavy, soft solid. i know this is not a clever plan.

i want to photograph lace shawls hanging in the rain. white ones.
there is the sound of children laughing somewhere.

i haven't written a lot in years.
this always feels a little clumsy. but that's ok.

i'm listening to ani and feeling beautifully free, sitting in my apartment in my underwear on a hot stormy afternoon.

i can see lightning flickering beside me.

much much better feeling.

oh yes indeedy.

i have so many beautiful knittyfriends. i am truely truely blessed. this makes me feel like the luckiest person alive sometimes. and, inspiration struck just last night walking home. i saw a beautiful shawled-up installation, and i talked to dhana about showing work, and i have prospects.

i also prioritied a lot of my guilt. which is good. i ... perhaps that is not the right word. i realised that i have made myself take a lot of blame on board for things that were reactions. reactions to things that i had a right to be mad and hurt and sliced to pieces about. i need to remember that. i reacted badly. but. it was reaction. these things all happened for a reason. it was not all mu fault, and my perspective was valid. i have a right to feel pain. and, by god, i am glad they happened.

things i feel so happy about right now.



1. my beautiful lachlan.

we have been together three years as of the... 27? of december. that is the date we call, because we are both terrible at remembering things. he has made these last few years so much more beautiful. he is my best friend; from the moment we both stepped into the airport to go to new york, that started our life together. that was the point where something began. it didn't happen straight away. it was about a week of gentle colour, shades, movement. he gave me space. he made me feel more happy with myself than i had ever been. he makes me see things clearly.... my feelings for him don't colour my world. they clarify it.
2. my books. they make me feel peaceful.
3. my precious friends.

more knitting content, less griping. not that i think i will need to, now i have clarified things a lot more. new pages. still a little fragile, patience is a birchtree, getting there.

turtle-ing

by this i mean : drawing head into shell. hiding. for awhile.

i've un-myspaced, and am considering deleting this blog and starting up a new one. in the mean time, i have de-spammed by turning off commenting for trolls.

i need mental space right now.

so if i am unblogged, you know where to find me. if you don't, PM me on the boards and i'll let you know.
arigato gazaimasu

happy sun mon.

my sunday and monday were both great days.
including - mistaking craft market day, but then having breakfast/lunch - stitch and bitch in ladyfest - talk on sexual desire - heading down to new farm park - lazy nap - lovely dinner - sleeping in - wandering from bardon to paddington, up hills, in the heat, but god it was good - finding a perfect gift for cousin nikhi and lachlan - buying myself some gloves - playing with beautiful kittens - bussing home - beautiful dinner.

today, though, has been classified by less-fun, including - boss in terribly shite mood - exceedingly hot - on edge/migrane-y all day - not hungry.

and, of far more importance, yet another sexual attack on a woman in the inner suburbs,this one two streets over from my house. in her own home. this is sick. this is so, so sick. it is repulsive the lack of ... ANYTHING visibly being done to prevent violence against women. you know, i should be free to walk home at night. everyone should be free to walk home at night without the threat of sexual violence. of any violence for that matter. now, i walk down the street, eyes over my shoulder, watching out for anyone behind me who looks... like they are walking slow, or are physically stronger than me. which, given my lack of physical strenght, is not helping me feel particulary at-ease. hey, i have boots. *sighs*

so i feel jittery, and want to go home and hide under blankets and knit. this is not going to happen because i have Work Drinks. really, hiding under blanket is unimaginably more appealing right now. plus, my silk yarn is waiting for me down at the post office. waiting only for me to get my lace knitting book to make happy-shawls all day and night.

oh, and fuck you, person who searched for 'teen oshin pornstar' and managed to find my blog. on a playstation no less. from spain. that is my first gross porn hit, so far.

what i find facinating is the number of people who look at my site after looking up 'sea silk shawls' . do you like my shawl, people? look, i even have an image of one a few entries ago! sea silk does make divine shawls, that's for sure.

i got two exquisite bone/ivory crochet hooks from an antique store, and drooled over this incredible lace making ... thing .... with bobbins and pins and wooden sticks with thread attached. it was $150. but oh so divine.

but gloves! i am the glove queen! i bought quite a few pairs, and they make me Very happy.

gaaaaawwwd. i want to go home and watch movies and knit. i still have a small bundle from bigpond trial thing sitting at home next to my bed. can't remember what they are, don't care what they are. mooovie.

oh, i saw 'god on our side' at the dendy as well on sunday. really great movie. i love denton's interview style in that film - a lot of people seemed critical about it, due to the fact he doesn't attack or interogate their beliefs, but, god, trying to do that would have been useless - it would have merely alienated the people he was talking to. he made them the focus of the documentry, which was far more interesting.

at least i get my new yarn tomorrow.

up to christmas countdown....

yeah. last night, we had Pre Christmas Sale. incredibly fun, because a lot of my PET customers came in, who i love very much. i got to talk to them excitedly, and hear aobu their christmas plans, and oh oh fun. plus get them to buy exciting books.

annnnnd, lachlans christmas present came in, and i bought it, and it's sitting at home, waiting for me to give it to him for his birthday-christmas, and i want to give it to him now, but patience is a birch-tree, so i have to wait.

i hang-ed out with brentasaraus last night, which was exceedingly fun. we always have fast, gunshot conversations and laugh our arses off at ourselves. and, he is a loon. as am i. so it's greeaaat fun.

tonight, we saw a Wonderful film, 'the glass rabbit,' at the secret wonder that is the annual japanese film festival. no one seems to know it exists. it's run by the japan society ... which i should, now that i remember, look up online. it's foundation. the japan foundation. the movie is so so beautiful. everyone should watch it. i felt stupidly pleased when i recognised hiragana in the credits. 'oh oh Look! it's 'shi'... look, its the kanji for 'field!'. 'fu!' i have an irrational love for 'fu'.


i am enjoying a great volley of emails with drew - who i am thinking of nicknaming drew-bear, after mischkas nickname for lou on 'neighbours'.

craft market on sunday! craft market on sunday! i want to get hand made stuffed animals. followed by the stitch and bitch at ladyfest! d. at the transit lounge is slightly on the overstimulated side by my artwork. this is deeelightful but slightly unnerving.
i have a new favourite artist - tiffany shafran - i've been attempting to work with water colour paintings of knitting and crocheting for ages, but i've failed miserably at making anything i find interesting. she, however, does beautiful work with it. really, really great work.

in other news, i have lachlan here! he is delightful!

wow... potos!

here we have.

gratuitously cute lizard images.

the sea silk shawl.


the W I P'ing cashmere shawl, with happycolourmart. my colourmart silk has been dispatched, and i am pretending i am going to recieve it tomorrow. realistically, i know it will be a little longer than that.

but, i intend knitting that shawl until i run out of yarn. as other colourmart junkies know, this will be one long mo-fo of a shawl.


after the interweave article on japanese knitting, i am feeling urges to go look for japanese knitting pattterns. this will match my attempts to teach self japanese. this will be such a slowwww process. unlike the knitting, which is slow, but in a different way.

weird 'thing' last night. like, exactly the same as the "anxiety" attacks/frontal lobe epilepsy (results not conclusive) that i had last year. only there was NO anxiety. i know what an anxiety attack feels like, and i know what happened yesturday was NOT one. you don't become light sensitive in an anxiety attack, you don't get hot and cold, and the palpatations don't last for hours. however, i know they are not life-destroying, and i don't want to go on medication for it. not really too sure what to do. i listened to 'low' which was soothing.

and, i am going to order the NEW under byen cd. this is exciting for me. not for anyone else though, as i doubt many people know what they sound like. you should. go listen to them... they are incredible.

new orthotics today. this is stupidly exciting.

knitting content!

ok. i am still on the shawl with the cashmire. i am using the colourmart one, and it feels like heaven, so soft and light and angelic. i like wrapping the part i have knitted over my hands, and running it over my face. i ordered a cone of the silk as well, and if it goes well, i might do a bit of stocking up.

as a christmas present to Myself, i am going to get victorian lace today next month. or the month after. some time. i am excited because it is primarily rectangular shawls, rather than circular and triangular. i much prefer retangles, because they hold over your arms much better. and i like the shape. i want to practice more lace in order to be on target to start designing my own lace patterns in the new year. just small stuff at first, mind you....

i am irritated at the vogue stictionarys for their lack of charts. what is with that? why no charts? i Like charts. and they are a much easier way to read lace, quicker, simpler. at least have a small chart as well as the writing. it's confusing. i thought it was standard to chart lace. so i won't be getting them. i have a stictonary marked on amazon.com that i want to get in the next year or so.

i also need to prioritise my spending for the next year. see, i am going to go back to study in march, starting my masters in library and information management - i need to find out what university i want to do it through, because i want to go external and maybe one subject, or two a semester. i want to ease myself back into study. sloooowly. but, i also want to keep working on my practice, and thus, my knitting. i really need to keep in mind where my passions and interest are. which are with fibre, and drawing. yeah, i love paintings. i also like paint. however, i Don't like actually paiting all that much, and i am not all that good at it either. however, i am good at knitting, not exceptional by my knittystandards, but by your average joe on the street, i am good. i'm thinking, but not too much.

in other news, work is evil today. lots of angry people calling up. volunteer down time is soothing me.
oshin is my new pet resturant, as is the kwan yin tea house.
am still forgetting to pay electricity bill. Need To Do It Today.
sai is still my happy udon place. wish it has soba though.

i am up to s- in my teach-myself-kana stage. drew and i are doing it together.

i met up with inger from school last night, tremendously fun. we are polar opposites and it's bizarre we are friends. bizarre in a great way though. and i am Hanging with brentasaurus on thur. night, and nikhi on friday. Social Me.

rambling after one beer. whoot!

i am eating pizza. i forgot to ask for no olives.

my pizza has both vegan salami and vegan bacon on it. this is baffling and yummy. i love salami. i havent eaten anything resembling salami in a Very long time.

i ran into Claire again today! she is always so much fun to chat to... and i met my aparent doppleganger.

just spent a few hours catching up on my messageboard. i have missed my people very very super much.

oh god. i just found $12 silk at colourmart. laceweight. i think i am going to have a yarngasm. oh god. yes. yes! yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i n e e d it. i haven't bought yarn in ... fuck. months. and this is so good. so good. oh i need it. it is singing a song about how much i need it. a loud and beautiful song.

busy day at work, people christmas shopping already. discussed knitting with ashley from rialto, and felt excited. i have isshoes.

oh god, silk-lace-weight-goodness. it is friends with my cashmire goodness. i need more, for shawls. i wanna make more shawls. i need silk.

ok. goodbye yarn diet. hello laceweight dark greek silk! i claim this is because i just reached post number 1111 on my board. hehehehe.

i am working on Priorising my books right now... so i know what i want to get next and so forth.

christmas soon. eep.

oh, and wynnum person!!! who are you? reveal yourself! mysterious wynnum reader, i am curious about you. you seem to enjoy my blog. i want to know who you are!

practice and such

with the new artworkers site, i have the oppertunity to work out a little more about my art practice. i am going to go home, paint, and think about my practice, and what i am doing, and what it means to me as an artist.

or even if i consider myself an artist. this is a concept i struggle with; i feel like 'artist' is something you earn, not something you claim because you make and think about art.

i mean, i've had... two exhibitions since finishing uni. i still wish i had taken up the soapbox show, but ... such is life. but two in two years... it feels pretty feeble. then again, i've really put almost no drive behind working with my practice. so it's something i can get to. maybe i am at a place where something more productive will come out now.

i guess i feel insecure because my work is, by its nature, sort of 'small' ... i work on small scale, with small colours... well, lack of colour, and with 'small' mediums like knitting and sewing and itty bitty canvas slices. i have paused before getting back into touch with the transit lounge, because i am evaluating what i am doing and why. it's good, i think, to question, but you can get to a point where you paint yourself into a courner and just get nowhere.

you know, i can do something. i can find a place. i just become really, really anxious about having to get somewhere, which also paints me into a courner. can't i just do drawings of the cat? and sew white fabric back onto itself? i think that is what i need to do before i actually can move. i feel like i dig myself into a hole without moving, just sinking down further and further, gettting more and more anxious. i see lists, and it makes my throat thicken. that is part of the problem of the internet.... it's an easy way to coil up on myself. i'll dig myself into holes by looking through other people's achievements and it just makes me feel more and more frightened, and fluttery, and birdlike. my eyes will get wide and i will swallow a lot.

but, this is something i care about. and people without any obligations to me say that i have something there worth working with. and yeah, now, i'm going to fuck it and go out on a limb. this is something i have struggled with in my art practice most strongly during uni. i felt like ... i was sort of marginalised by people close to me, and negated due to my insecurity. yeah, i don't just want to make art for art's sake, because i think i have something to say. i don't know if i have something to say, or if the best way to say it is through art at the moment. but it's something i want to play with and find my way through, and i don't want to have to make excuses anymore.

before work joys

yes. upcomming christmas work expansion is mildly exciting. a few more hours here, a few more hours there...

i love the way my stickers are starting to rub off my keyboard. there is something beautiful about the way the gold is bleeding out of them. and the occasional loss of a waterdroplet.

drew has kindly contributed a computer flashcard programme to my attempt to learn japanese. it may or may not help.

the storm yesturday was so exciting. i was sitting at my Usual, an open coffeeshop in brunswick street, and then .... from a relatively cloud free sky it just hit. there was hail. we took refuge in the inny-bit of the shop.
in other coffeerelated news, i met the new owner of the shop. she seems really, really lovely, which is important. see, when one is working in a coffeeshop usuall, one becomes accustomed to getting coffee. so, on my bewick street days, it is almost essential that i have nearbye coffee of good quality. g. makes phenomenal coffee and when he is closed, m. and i have long, depressed rants about the state of coffee in the valley. the horrible coffee over the road made me feel upset, it was that foul.

gallery opening last night was fantastic. the art was incredible, the artists' lovely, and the crowd small. and, on walking home, me and the ladys i was with got The Best Possible hollar out of a car - 'it's a white 'destiny's child' with one extra' - can anyone make sense out of that? all i can think that it was a feeble attempt at a racial slur, given one of the girls is indigenous. it was far too stupid to even be offensive.

in other news, i am Biding time until Therapist is back from holidays, in order to rant about Famous Relative and my Newfound Anger in that direction. and i feel jittery as hell today.

g. gave me a lecture about the fact that i don't have to feel insecure, and inferior to everyone, that i have legitimacy as a human being on more than one level, that i have got talent, that i have got some sort of worth. he is very perceptive, because my verbosity seems to mute out the fact that i think very little of myself most of the time. but he was insistant that i stand up tall and stop slouching, and stop thinking i don't deserve anything. it's taken a long time for me to actually Do anything with my art, out of some feeling that i was standing on people's toes. but goddamn it. for once i just want to do something without thinking that i am not worth it.

on that note, i am going to do lots of drawings of the cat. i love buddy very much, and i have so many photos of him.

and knitttttting!

doldrums

read a book today that made me feel ill with sadness, and so so angry at the media, at the australian federal police, at the legal system over two countries, and for all the people in the world who are unjustly imprisoned for crimes they did not commit. miscarriages of justice makes me feel sick. people judging people and familys based on unusual names and socieoeconomic status makes me angry. the fact i can't even blog about this infuriates me, because i would be vulturised like everyone else in my family has been. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. no one should watch those 'current affairs' programmes, or read a WORD of bullshit in any australia newspaper. it's bullshit, and i feel so repulsed about a horrible horrible event happening to someone close to me becoming national entertainment. i feel sick and so angry every time people feel the need to tell me what 'they' think happened.
you know, i don't care what you think happened. you don't fucking know. so shut up.

i've had a whole spectrum of responses to it. you know, one of the most moving was from someone i wasn't friends with at the time. in fact, there is a solid skin of mutual dislike seperating us. she responded with 'oh god, i had totally forgotten about it. oh god, i am sorry, that sounds terrible. i am so sorry about it all.'
that meant so much to me. so so so much. no arrogant snort at my family. no laughing in my face about it. no immediate conspiracy theory. why is it that someone who doesn't like me managed to be nicer to me about it than friends?
(i am going to choose to negate the corrosponding email the following day from said person's partner regarding a book i had mentioned to someone else. i still feel confused by this response.)

saw fourcolour last night, at room40. i wouldn't have minded seeing some of the sound polaroids, but, well. i am trying to save money. we were on the Verge of going to 'because of ghosts,' but lachlan forgot his ID, so our decision was made for us. it was interesting. i was, however, really sleepy. so it was hard to stay awake. ergo hard for me to say anything interesting/uninteresting about it, other than... 'me sleepy. swooshy guitar sounds. mmmmmsleepy'. lachlan loved it. we didn't stay for the second act. i just heard from someone that 'because of ghosts' were terrible, so i feel a little better.

we met up with the utterly divine pair from 'rialto decibel choir' for coffee- without having coffee. A & J are utterly deeeelightyful.

re-reading 'beauty and misogyny.' maybe it should be re-re-reading. it is one of my favourite books, and an amazingly important feminist book. i am really really glad i bought it. she articulates how i feel about so many issues so neatly, so clearly. i especially liked the section on cosmetics and high heels.
the basic response to people wearing makeup is so often 'but i wear it because it makes ME feel good about myself.' that is so so sad, that our society is structured and women are impailed into thinking that you will feel better about yourself when your skin is masked with potential carcinogens. that you will feel 'more feminine' by conforming to a strict, inflexible notion of how skin is suppose to look, and how women are suppose to look.
and what is most interesting, is how the pornstitution culture is what initially, all those years ago, pushed cosmetics out of the brothel and into the homes of every 'real' woman.

i use to love makeup. i still like powders and colours and small containers. so i play with lachlans pigments.

and, in other news, i feel sort of lame for being sucked in by my porntroll. i got a feminist troll. how goddamn funny is that. i have never, ever seen a feminist troll before. usually trolls are stupid morons who like to rant misogynisically away on blogs. anti-porn trolling is just... utterly bizarre.
lesson for the week. don't feed the trolls.

i love Corn

:: peers around corner looking for pornperson :: oh well.

i am currently embarking on a New Knitted Hat. this one is going to have a little impish peak at the back, and be red and black. tis in cotton, so it should be nice and cool for the summertime, when we all, obviously need idiotic imp hats. see, i am proud to say there is something deeply absurd about my hat wearing. i love them. and i know they look sort of stupid. but that is part of the love.

in other news, i think i broke my camera. now begins the Reminding Richard about his Unwanted Canon. and then making sweet sweet love to it. arghsghd... (that was a drooling sound, ok.)

tonight is the night for the 'city of the lost children', which is an historic film for me personally. when i saw it first, i was in year 12. my friends all invited me out with them to see riverfire at southbank. i chose to stay home and watch a movie recommended by my pen-pal, on my blurry SBS reception which involved kicking the tv ever few minutes to try and make the reception improve. (it didn't). at this stage, we were nothing more than pen-pals, but my infactuation with him knew no bounds. this was the point i understood that i cared more about what interested me - like a facinating movie - then going out with friends for the sake of it. that, and i Really liked that pen-pal. i have a fond feeling for that younger me, and a wonderment at how much time passes in five years.

work slow and awkward today. heavy atmosphere, everyone seemed frustrated and stuck. contrasting with my Jolly Mood.

i have ginger wine. last time i drank ginger wine was NY, and Lachlan got so drunk he vomited all over the foyer in a really posh hotel. i, for some totally inexplicable reason, remained completely sober, and dragged him home. it was his 20th birthday. i drank a whole bottle of the stuff, and it gave me a rash. oh, that was a wild night of ... well... strangeness. N insulted lachlan, and i saw red. i thought he was in love with her still, and i talked about the mess i was in, without mentioning that i, you know, was in love with him as well now. and it was damn cold. this ginger wine experience will surely be less cold. and probably less traumatic.

the second top button on my shirt keeps popping.

faaaboulously good day

today, if i were to rate by days according to a chart of how good they are, would get an A+.

i started the day by staying in bed until late. then, getting up, wandering around the internet, then a small wander around haus.
across to the alibi room for breakfast. delicious fruit. i love summer fruit. in fact, it is Easily my favourite part of summer. and everything was perfectly ripe and delicious. picked up postcard for ladyfest art opening there tomorrow night.

wandered down street. stopped to chat to favourite coffeemaker in the world on the way, drinking amazingly good cofffee, chatted to a random stranger named keith. wandered down to the mall, and ran into john, one of my bestest ever favourite customers, a wonderful gentleman in his mid fifties who i want to adopt as my uncle.

wander down to pick up photos,and run into claire! she smelled fantastic, and looked great. picked up photos, which vastly exceeded my expectation, which was very low, as i had stuffed up the shutter speed. but there is an amazing one of my cousin, and some interesting roadside shots.

the heat was lovely too, because there was no sun; heavy heat without that firey feeling on your skin.

went over to cousin's haus to meet new baby lizards! which are exquisitely adorable, and tiny, and so so beautiful. their ickle heads were so proportioned to their little bodies they looked like shrunken versions of full sized lizards! i cuddled them, and avarice, and the big new divine bella, and the little ones i call titch and tibbles, but nikhi calls something else... oh i want lizards... lachlan and i are getting a turtle, and calling it izzy, after izzy pop, because he looks a lot like a turtle.

then, lachlan (who i have Picked up at this point... ) travel into the valley. tis raining by now, heavy hot summer storming. we get drenched in the city, my shawl dripping wet, but head protected by a soon to be pulpy 'time off' magazine. time off is a street press in brisbane.

come the valley, we meet the divine brad and share dinner with him, and add jasmine to our entorage briefly during food. lachlan proudly cuddled his new melvins album, and i fantasised about my soon-to-arrive 'future bible hero's' cd. we also gently cradled our m ward tickets that somehow cost him $20. rather than $80. i think baby jesus gave us a present, and it would be Heresy to question it.

then, to Da Moosic, which was Rialto Decible Choir and marlinchen.

Rialto Decible Choir are my new best friends. ever. in the world. seriously. can i swoon?? onto the floor? and be a puddle of desperate adoration? my god, the lyrics were so vivid that i could see what they were singing about. their voices were so luscious and rich, the guitar so ... just the notes sitting perfectly and delightfully and heavenly into each other and into me, and.... ohhhh..... they struck me dumber than i usually am. i still have this mental image of a girl with a heart in a pendant around her neck for the world to see, being gently told to keep it safer, under her blouse. and an old woman with cracked hands holding her worn and soft heart. ohhapppppyfaceofgooooooodness..... both the boy and girl got sufficient dribbling from me post-show about how i loved them, and they could live in my room under my kwan yin shrine and i'd give them toast and wine and ginger spirits.... and i would love them and pet them and brush their hair....

they offered to come play in my loungeroom with marlinchen, but somehow, i am not toally sure that 1. my neighbours, 2. my older sister or 3. marlinchen would be particularly thrilled with that prospect. that, and my loungeroom wouldn't fit the 5 members of marlinchen, the two members of rialto, and everyones gear. let alone respective partners, friends and musical fans. in fact, my apartment wouldnt fit that many people. unless they all sat on top of the furniture, and the shit everywhere. and shoved into my room, my sisters room, and the bathroom. like sardines! or anchovies! oh well.

they are playing on sat, but arg! i work. can i swap shifts and open? oh how i am tempted to. but then, i will have opened two days running, and i am a lazy el-lizard-breath.

but but but!!!!!!!! lachlan and jasmine are going to sharehouse! how perfect would that be? that way, there is a big house, cheaper rent for l and j until i join the crew in april/may, and fun for all. so maybe we will have a band-o-rama. (there will still be room for you on the couch, my beautiful roxy-anne and mrjohn-roxy!)

jasmine is such a beautiful person. there are some people who make me feel cleaner in the head just being around, like nikhi, and jasmine. they have some beautiful clear vibration through them, a clarity of thought and being and peacefulness.

marlinchen were wonderful as always. the sound sounded slightly richer tonight even. the addition of beatrix potter also delights me, because when i was small, benjamin bunny was, easily, my favourite book. i have a dual box set of the compete beatrix potter books which i love. i use to feel there was something almost magic about the cases and the small hardcover books, and each time i would read one, curled up in bed, i would do so reverently, looking through the pictures, lightly turning the gloss pages... i think they are what gave me my irrational passion for small format hardcovers. yes. slight sidetrack. i only feel slightly sad i missed so many shows earlier this year. oh well. i feel terribly excited by how much amazing music there is in brisbane right now. and comming up.

which brings me to the...
room40 film show
verses
because of ghosts.


contemporary sound artist with film.... or post-rock melbourne legends? both of which are not events that are going to be regular, or often in brisbane. both of which will be amazing sonic experiences. both of which we Really want to see. room40 is free. also shorter and at 10pm, meaning i will be a Sleeeepy el-lizard-breath by then, as tis a Day of Work. hm. but 'because of ghosts' is even in a venue i like. arg.... i love the globe, i love post-rock-y minimal-y things, but i also love room40-anything and free things where people are likely not to have been drinking.

poopies. oh well. this is the issue with the current amazing array of events and talent and excitement of offer.


the night ended with me running for a bus. i had my BIG boots on, which also have BIG tread, so running in the rain does not mean falling. it just means a lot of stupid looking flailing, and arm waving, and flappping. does waving my arms when i run help? i don't know. can i help it? no. does it look really strange? yes. yes it does.

especially with my hair, particularly beraggled from the rain and curly in a stupid sort of way. it makes me look like a mangled terrier escaped from west end. (where i notice an amazing number of people with short fringes and irrigular cut shoulder length hair longer in front ratty bits, to shorter in back ratty bits. te he. we are all different, just like everyone else. i am glad i no longer really care about being an InDiVidUal. more interested in being happy and peaceful and human now.)

note - in rics, i saw a guy with a porn star shirt on. i fail to get the point of those vile mysogynistic shirts. does he think he is going to pick up? or does he wear that because he genuinely wants people to know he is a wanker? maybe it operates as a warning system... 'danger! danger! i am a superficial moron! i watch porn! i care so much about porn i feel the need to wear a shirt saying how much i want to be a porn star! danger!' ... it's a community service really. thank you, wanker.

so yes. happyday; even the exceedingly painful blind pimple under my lip failed to make too much of a dent on my jollification.

it's kind of curious. half my lip has swollen up from it. eep.

i am going to rant a bit about cosmetics soon, people, so hold onto your hats. or socks. or pencil cases. or... whatever you want. yay!

PornTastic

wow, see what happens when you don't read your comments? some entries ago, where i do believe i was having a usual baseless rant, i got a rebuttal to my random porn musing. whoot!

wherein, though, i think that my words were misconstrued. of Course sheila jefferies doesn't make tired porn arguements. she makes good ones. so do lots of people, like dworkin, and mackinnon, and and and... just now-a-days, most of the arguments are dull rehashes of what has already been said. danke for the book recommendation and url - just, er... miscontruing what i say in a blog rant is mildly irritating. but, hey, danke anyway for your interest. mainly, i think, a lot of the debate is boring. in the sense that the 'pro-porn' people throw out the line of logic that i had previously mentioned - the 'choice' debate - and i am not focussed on the nature of consent here, because that is also the point. as i said, the argument, and the point is not about how if women choose to do something, it is therefore feminist. that is stupid.
the industry is, by its very nature, based on exploitation. ta da. the end. i don't feel like debating something that seems very clear to me, or discussing it. not that it isn't important to discuss issues. just as, however, some people don't give a shit about sweatshops, or animal rights, or the environment, or child fighers, or buddhists imprisoned in china, or tibet, or the vile nature of the cosmetics industry in the west, or eating disorders, or teen suicide, or ... or... i mean, i only have so much energy to go around. i don't like porn, at all. i think it is vile. but personally, i want to fight for other things. i appreciate people fighting for awareness in porn, and the insidious nature of it. i am grateful for them. ok, but it's not me. i have only a select number of years in this blessed incarnation, and i have to pick my action causes carefully.

though, i feel jefferies tends to weaken her arguments with her tone, and a lack of sources. this isn't in relation to porn, specifically; i found her ideas on likening genital reconstruction in the west to female circumcism deeply troubling. no, not likening, i can clearly see a similarity. however, i feel to say that they are on a par is grossly exaggerated. the act of holding down little girls and cutting through the most compact area of nerves in their body with no painkillers, before the little girls have any idea what circumsicion is, is so repulsive and reprehensible that i feel sick just thinking about it. these are people with no education, in a system based entirely on religious control and economic structure. to compare that with the privileged western woman, who has benifited from a good education, and is economically stable enough to afford cosmetic surgery to her genitals for NO medical reason, under full aenesthetic, to a safe recovery is deeply, deeply problematic. we may debate the nature of choice and consent, but i have to say, her arguments of choice and consent left me feeling unconvinced that this is, in any way, an apt comparism.

still. complex matter, simple blog-statement from me. there is more to it then that.


the
tiredness
for me comes for from the pro-porn. they ain't saying anything new, or anything i agree with. like 'bad girls and dirty pictures.' it is always deeply valuable to read something you dissagree with in order to understand your own motivations more clearly. so why debate it? i ain't going to convince people who get off on porn. i've been there and done that online, and really, i don't want to sit around and re-instate my beliefs smugly with people who agree with me. and, if it is an issue i have more to learn about, and want to learn more about, then yes. but porn? i know i don't like it, and am ethically apposed to the nature of production, the industry, the basis of exploitation of women that it is largely based on. knowing more about why it is bad will not make me thing that any more. and unless someone have an amazingly grouse pro-porn argument, which i deeply doubt, i'm not about to change my mind.

the moral of the story is, i like book recommendations. and article recommendations. regardless of if i agree or disagree, or whatever. more understanding, more freedom.


and, well, more to the point, i can't get to west end on a weeknight to a women's only thing because i have no car. i might try and drag cousin nikhi to the next one. then again, i want to go to stitch and bitch tonight. or watch a film? i have a Pile. the cup! oh it looks lovely.

i am making happiness in my heart with my old halloween yarn right now, i needed a break from lace for a bit, so some repetative moss stitch is soothing me away to happyland.

today is the Melbourne Cup. this makes me both sad and angry and sick to the stomach. i hate horseracing on many levels. it's our tamer, prettier version of bullfighting.

salmon, and animal collective

yeah. i forgot. bah.

and obviously, internet detox consists of me going "wheee! three bars! almost full wireless access! why? who cares! must... use... free... wireless...."

but, i am using it to download as many free japanese lessons as possible. it is incredible how much i remember from school - i learnt japanese from years 5-8 in the terrible, incompetent schooling manner, so i recognise a lot of hiragana, and a few kanji, but did most of the lessons with romanji, which is pretty useless because that ain't going to teach you how to read the kana and the kanji. so yeah. i have charts, i am trying to memorise them, and i am not going to give into the desire to buy a book, because i am saving money.

put photos in for developement. i am guessing they are going to be balls-up shit because of the fact i had forgotten that i needed to adjust the shutter speed - i had, indeed, forgotten that there was such a thing as shutter speed. i remembered to set the film speed, and the apiture, but well... i didn't remember. it has been a long time since i used an SLR..... so yes. interesting photos. i am curious to see what sort of shots the camera takes. tomorrow begins also the barganing and begging for r's camera. whoot! canon... delicious old canon with flash and big lense. arghdrooooool.

making my own chart. knitting stuffed animals. resisting urge to buy things. boop.

and, i forgot. animal collective on friday night ...

missed first act. were catching dinner and jane. and had seen it before. interesting artist, but not really my kind of music.
second support
lost domain
inspired feelings of boredom and amusement in me. i mean, maybe they are good, and i am missing the point. but the cover of a 'sun ra' song was so long, and tedious that i ended up insisting on playing
i spy
with lachlan. as we did until the lead up to the main act. i like i spy, a lot. and i headbutted dave, janes buddy, which was fun.
it was long, and dragging, and heavy and there would be these moments, where yeah, something interesting came together.... largely though, i felt i was missing the point.

animal collective would have been incredible if i was not a neurotic pain in the arse prone to goddamn panic attacks and ptsd. i really irritate the hell out of myself. they built this amazing, pulsing sound, that throbbed the room and was almost physically heavy. there was a wild, anarchistic madness to it, and a lovely feeling of control. then, that heavy atmosphere reminded me and triggered of a jolly almost-anxiety-attack, narrowly averted by going to sit out of the crowd. and then i ran into the delightyful emily and v and pheobe and ... phoebe's friend whose name i had forgotton. and mark, who was deeply drunk and frollocking.

i have also decided i will no longer drink when going out. i am happy to drink when i am eating, or at home, but if i am going out to see a band, if i want a drink i will have spirits, or something. no drinking anything that will get me drunk.



.....


i am worried about my big sister.

space

mini internet detox. sort of.

1. i am going to read and think about what i am reading. i just finished 'the wind-up bird chronicle,' which is amazing for too many reasons to go through right now.

2. spending time with friends is a priority because i am feeling a little spacey and detached. and Mr B. is back!!!!!!!! from india! i went to his place and we talked until two in the morning, golly gosh i am glad to have him back!

3. working on Moviewatching. got out another bundle tonight, watched a mocumentary about folk singers. i enjoy it a lot.

4. waiting for therapist's holiday to end so i can get back on the wagon, as ifeel strangely unhinged.

5. photos. i have a crappy, beautiful old camera i am playing with.

6. knitting. working on shawl and want to start working on toys.

7. not spending money.

8. learning to cook.

9. staying in better contact with offnet friends as well.

10. taking cousin nikhi to a lesbian bar in the next week, i swear to god, i will. i want her to make some friends, some lovely older lesbians to help her at 19 in finding her identity and having a place and some buddies who are also queer. and are, you know, more functional than i am.

11. working out what i like about art. i realised i hate most art. almost all art, actually. so what do i like? why do i want to make art? what do i want to make?

12. origami.

13. photographing origami, and knitting. lots of photographing.

14. buttons. start collecting buttons.

15. ladyfest! i got a day off work for a good few of the workshops, ok, mainly the stitch and bitch, and the sound walk, and the golden circles at the powerhouse. and the previous day is the craft market! whoot! and there is the art exhibition opening!

16. mental preparation for christman. arg.

17. read about zen. get zen book recommended by signature. read zen books slowly. don't get uptight if it confuses me.

18. start doing some proper meditation.

19. begin new life as Proper vegetarian. (i ate last seafood meal tonight. its been two years without red or white meat from the land. today starts the life with no meat from the sea)

20. daily metta practice. daily lovingkindness practice.

21. start doing japanese courses for utter beginers online. i can learn. i will learn.

22. keep up writing practice.

23. see if jane needs a hand for the lifted brow. (which Are publishing my knitting article).

24. watch my fear, guilt etc of E and M. embrace it, love it. it is my friend.

poink!

writing as therapy.

ya ya. so now rather than just compulsively ranting on the blog, i am putting things just on my harddrive. it has been a really long time since i wrote 'properly' and i really want to get back into some sort of writing practice. i ... prefer is the wrong word... suit? yeah, suit it more than i do art. i know i am better at it. that is not saying a great deal, because i am a relatively shit artist.

there is a feminist discussion group in brisbane i have been mulling over going to for the last 4 months. i never get the guts up to do it, because there are both strangers and people i know there, and i am frightened of both of those things. in some ways, i like my discussions online. in more ways, if i have to talk about, or argue about porn Ever Again, i am going to start throwing things. so i abstain. that, and the lack of the car means i take my life into my own hands travelling around brisbane at night unacompanied. thanks, rapidly rising female sexual assult rate. it's all good and well to encourage us to use public transport, but it is sort of hard when you are not even suppose to exercise alone at the moment due to the number of rapes around. see, That is a more pressing feminist issue to me - this lack of publication of information about rape in brisbane. fuck, the reality of rape and sexual assalt in brisbane - regardless if it is a prostitute or a sales assistant raped. blablabla. anyhow, maybe, if i feel Gutsy, i'll go along to the next one. depending if it is another porn related thing.

i've just noticed a completely smooth spot on my space bar. it's where i hit the most when typing - i seem to use the space bar with my right thumb much more than with my left. actually, now i am trying to remain aware of what i am doing, i notice that i only use my right thumb for spaces. this is a completely unconcious reaction i have never noticed before. that is facinating. i type every day, and yet i have never noticed that i only use my right thumb.

as one might have noticed, i use this thing entirely for myself. i don't care if i never get a comment. i like using blogs, because of the space the internet provides. this huge, cavern. it's like screaming into a hole in the ground, that goes to the centre of the earth. or sticking your head out in space and yelling your name. it's completely meaningless in a randomly poetic way.

it's really, really windy here tonight.

my dinner was divine. i had tofu at the himalayan, which was the beautiful soft tofu that gently absorbs the flavour around it, while maintaining a texture and taste of its own. the coriander stuck to the pieces of tofu, and would give a really sharp touch to the pillowy texture of the tofu. i stared out the window and thought about the fragments of memories that remained the most solid of all the people i have ever been in love with, or as close as i could consider love to be at the time.

i have a few fragments for b - my big highschool crush whom i am now buddies with. i have started collecting paragraphs on h - the first person i consider myself to have fallen in love with. i touched on m, but realised that there is an acidic rawness that rises when i try to put it into words. i got one instant down, and want to leave it at that for now.

lachlan, well, there is all the time in the world to play with the memories and current fragments. and that makes me smile just typing it.

silliness and foolishness.

well, we all do silly things sometimes. my aim is to remain aware of when i do my silly things that end up making me feel bad, and watching why i do it. why do i want to cause discomfort to myself? this is just silly. it's a great practice for me - watching why i do things that cause me unhappiness and observing how i feel. i don't understand why i do it. but watching myself will make me more self aware. so, in some ways, it is good that i do stupid things like that. no judging. just watching.

my ultimate aim is to desire to desire to stop. it's more complex than just wanting to stop doing something - i need to want to want freedom. if you know what i mean. it's not enough to desire to be free of the ill effects of doing something stupid. i want to lose the desire to do it. to understand the action, not as 'stupid,' or 'dumb' or connected to any value judgement - just as action that is causing me harm, and to understand whatever benefit i gain is outweighed by the ill-feelings that corrospond.

erg. complex. very small buddhist. imagine me holding hands a few centimetres apart.

sometimes i feel like i am in a cycle of self-flagulation. i'll rise to a certain point of understanding, of freedom, and then it slips back and i return to the way i felt before. i will go back to being guilty and blamed and angry and frustrated. i will attempt to relocate the blame, i shove it around, i try and find the correct place. but i don't Want to blame. i don't need to blame anyone for anything. you know. i just want to stop being angry. and this is not just the basic e,m,me and lachlan thing this time. though it has somethign to do with it. it's more general. i was writing an article on how it felt to be related to someone famous for commiting a crime last night, and about halfway through, i started feeling really, profoundly angry. i mean, angrier than i have ever felt about m&e for a long long time. i felt sick with anger at the media, at people laughing at my family, at people sniggering at the situation like it was some giant joke.

and other things. if i write about them, i feel this deep sick anger start to rise. i know i need to touch that and understand it. but it is overwhelming at times.

it makes me tired. and frustrated. i guess that it's true, and the trivial situations of my past really are just covering for the things i am actually mad at.

though the guilt of my own actions does sort of hang around. i try and let it go, and commit myself to refraining from that sort of action again, but it feels like too little too late. maybe that is beside the point. it's not about being too much or too little or any sort of binary like that. i'm still distant from understanding. i mean, what am i aiming for? am i aiming to change the past? because that won't happen. am i aiming to make everything 'ok', because that is a a moot, meaningless point that doesn't make any sense to aim for. am i trying to make us all friends? that is idiotic because none of us want that. what is it i want? do i want to stop feeling guilty? yes. how do i do that? why do i feel guilty? for my actions? or for the fact there is nothing i can do to turn back what i did? because i acted revoltingly, or because i feel bad for acting revoltingly? those two are close, but obviously seperate motivations. so i can feel less ashamed? so i can feel like i am some abstract of a 'good person'? what is this 'good person' - freeing myself of regret will not make me a better human being. it is a heavy feeling in my stomach.

a part of me feels deeply angry that neither other party admits any sort of liability. what has that got to do with anything? how does my anger help me? where is this anger comming from? what is 'liability?' what is 'responsibility?' where does it lie? i feel angry that i am stocked with all this guilt because they have none. this is a thought with no grounding. it is a straw man because i don't know these people. they are strangers to me, and me to them. they no longer exist. neither does the person who performed my regrets. already, the cells in my body that did that are dying and new ones are forming. i have no idea what they think. i have an abstract form of these people i use to know, and i try and make some sense out of my current situation in relation to them. this is pointless, and only causes me pain.

bla bla bla. this is the repetitive line of thought i keep running through. hold the emotions and study them like bugs. like beautiful insects to cherish. like music that i want to play over and over again, because freedom lies in understanding these emotions. working with these buddhas is where i get answers and freedom and peace.

murakami is my new best friend

i am wondering why it took me so long to get of my bum and actually read some, considering dr matt has been peer-pressuring me to do so for as long as i have known him.

it's like... eating fruit. i eat a lot of fruit. i eat fruit every day, regardless of if it is excellent or not. but sometimes, there is the most perfectly ripe, lush, dense, juicy piece that just crumbles perfectly into your mouth. the juice runs down your arms and makes your elbows sticky. and you just devour it, or savour it, delighting in how wonderful it is. that is what murakami is like.

i read norwegian wood a few days ago, and am now reading 'wind up bird chronicle' -which, i actually enjoy More than 'norwegian wood' - considering how much i loved that, this is saying something. happyface.

i also did my tax, which is remarkable. i have been putting it off for a very long time. i detest doing my tax. it's grotesque. but, once i get it back, half my credit card debt is cleared. whoot whoot whoot! from there, the Saving party can begin, and it is en-rout to sojourn to japan for my teaching english expedition. i am looking into smaller schools first, and investigating different options of getting there and teaching, like the JET program and so on. i want to do my teaching overseas before getting my masters in library science, because that way i get my Travelling and Living in Another Country while Young and Stupid out of the way. then, i can possibly Travel and Work Overseas in a Real Job.

and i had a lovely lovely lazy day yesturday. wandering around new farm park, breakfast at liquid delish, trip out to paddington, over to west end to meet lachlan, coffee at urban grind (best coffee ever. yep. sorry all my other coffee places), then home. i think, no, we went to the valley and got dinner from fat boys. i tried to peer pressure him into staying there to see 'shiver like timber' but that didn't work, owning to the fact he was trying to nudge me into Doing My Tax. which, admittedly, would have taken half the time if i had done it before i had lost all my recipts. but, i called up the charities this morning, got my donation ammount, and Sent it off off and away.......

we are seeing Lots of bands these next few months:
animal collective. (lachlan has big love for them)
redbreast.
because of ghosts
some special thing at the IMA on thursday
modest mouse are comming up soon
marlinchen next week or so... i think... i was fearing they had dissapeared into the void of New Bands with Creative people Minus Organised and Clearheaded Manager, but thankfully, they have surfaced once more.
and so on. so musically cultured. oh yes indeedy.

in other news, i reorganised the filing cabinet at work into alphabetical order. this is not as fun as one would think. but i still enjoyed it far too much. and, the most exciting thing ever is BEING PAID TO CATALOGUE M's Books! yes! private library cataloguing! this is incredibly cool and exciting! i want to convince them to buy the new york public libraries cataloguing program for me to use, so fingers crossed. this is the Holy Grail of PA work. i am a Good Little Personal Assistant.

a slightly unhealthy ammount of house.

my free membership to bigpond movies means that i am ordering the entire two series of house. all 12 discs. i get 30, and almost half are going on house. but i LOVE house. i want to marry hugh lorrie. not literally. but yes.

i have hot water again!! whoot! half the building wasn't getting any. erg and ick and ick and erg. i have two movies to watch, and returned 'charmed' due to my desire to not waste my bigpond movie three month membership. Moooovies.

pizza for dinner. lachlan is eating his 6th piece. he is a good boy! and a growing boy. he needs to eat up. i fear he islooking at me dubiously. no, just studying the pizza.


finished 'inside' - an incredible collection of short stories from contemporary japanese women writers. it made me very happy. reading jollybollies.

i need to re-reduce my internet time. and read/knit/moviewatch more. the painting has slid back a little.

i have taken to removing the underwire from my bras. this is my friend. this also could be my mine boobies are a little sore today. but who knows? alas, who knows!

am meeting jane for discussion re. knitting article for the lifted-brow. i feel grumpy tonight. gooboog.

librarything continues to complete me. as does the 'gothic archies'. and shawls. how i Love shawls. they are gootgoot.

i am Saving. a whole stack of books i want came into work, and .... i didn't buy ANY of them. none at all. Good Me. i get a sticker. a Merit Sticker.

but the new 'dougal the garbage dump bear' book is out. it makes me happy in my heart.

oh, and my ankles? yeah, i am on the verge of rupturing my tendon. pop! spoadies! ka-bommmM! tendon everywhere. yeah. no more small shoes. it's back to Docs and Docs alone. other shoes make feet small and feeble and alone. i had to bus to work today. it was embarrassing. the mild-mannered podiatrist said 'fuck' when he saw my feet. i replied with 'yes. my feet are special.' he, looking stunned, replied with, 'that's a good way to put it.' i have the world's ugliest feet. my toes are cute though. small, fat, and look like piggies. the rest? hideous. and they smell.

which returns us to the Hot-Water. i have HOT WATER!!! nothing likes you appreciate hot water more than two days of cold showers.

good bad strange ick.

good: a movie arrived from my free trial thing with big pond movies.

bad : rather than being "happy together" the dvd is the second disc of the 6th season of 'charmed'

strange: i'll probably still watch it because i have a sick love of charmed. still. how did they get 'happy together' mixed up with 'charmed'? i hadn't even looked in the TV section. weird.

ick: poverty means we have no hot water. i had no money to pay the gas bill and now, it's Cold Shower TIme until i can afford the reconnection fee! oh joy! and now, there is Another phone bill, and the electricity bill! whoot whoot whoot.
i think i am going to start eating ramen. and only ramen. where can i get some good ramen, roxy? what is good ramen?

moving to japan! now! ok. next week

impulsive decisions to move countries are fun. only, well, not for everyone. lachlan almost axphixiated over my decision to move to japan in feburary. (four months). after slightly more considered consideration, i am Investigating more options rather than just jumping into the first english job i can find. this way, i will not hate my job and want to die. and, also, the fact that i have barely enough money to pay bills, let alone pay for a plane flight to japan is also tempering said enthusiasm.

so, i am doing a more thorough investigation yes. and saving money. and, wheee! possibly securing full time work in the next month or so as bosses partner starts a new business. so i get to do exciting things like researching real estate and cleaning their house. ironic, considering how slobby i am in my own home. but i am good at cleaning other people's houses.

but, full time work! reallly working. not this stupid two part time jobs... exceelllent.

and, my sea silk shawl is finished. i am just feeling too damn lazy to photograph it ... or, er... block it. i LIKE it unblocked, ok. i really do. and it;s so soft, and the sea silk smells so good... and it scrunches like heaven.


i am now designing my First Ever Shawl. this one is based on the scaley dragony lace repeat i saw on the interweb somewhere, and i just changed the m1s into yo's because i have a strange devotion to yo's. they add happyness and dancing to knitwear. happy-dancing. happy!dance!ing!. and i think i am going to add a round of a lace boarder to it. with begging of monkeemoo to help, if she is not too busy drinking and fornicating off at uni. not that our monkeemoo would do that, right? :me sniggers:

in other news, i spent too much money at lush, and had a great bath last night. and got a face mask that reduced pimples exceedingly fast. now i can move my mouth without it pulsating! yay! and had a great sigur ros/ mum / under byen talk with the divine lush staff member.

movies books and crafties

* we saw a room40 thingy last night.... the first two dudes are friends of lachlans, and wonderful. so physical, wild raw sounds. like keji and merzbow mixed frighteningly, but somehow excitingly together. second dudes, totally forgettable. sometimes, clicking sounds are just clicking sounds. did nothing for me. then again, i am certainly no grand reviewer of sound art. it could have been transendental and i just missed the point. the third dude created a soundtrack to a film. it was so, so mesmerising.

was easily one of my favourite room40 productions.

* firworks gallery opening was grande. many friendly people to give drinks to, and new best friend dana is great! she has a tattoo of a merit sticker! yay. sticker!

*i am now a fil-elm whore. like, several movies a day while knitting. i usually mix -bad teen flick- with -high culture subtitle action- . god, it's good. i am trying to remember my ex-s vast catalogue of favourite films. we may no longer talk, or, well, even make eyecontact, but he does have great taste in books and film. lachlan still talks about how great fallen angels was. (example one million of why i was a crap girlfriend. both times i tried to watch it, i fell asleep. hey, it was late. i was tired. i lay down. i fell asleep. *shrugs*) but, arg! there was this amazing movie we saw at some incredible japanese film festival - it was black and white, about a little girl, really subtle and gentle.... i am Dying to remember the name of it so i can show it to lachlan..... argarg! one can hardly call/ email ex saying 'er yeah, you know how i was really gross to you and your partner, well, yeah, what was that name of that film we saw a few years ago?... come on, i got you free tickets... i'll get you tickets to something else, just tell me the name... "

in the mean time, i can go through other remembered favourite directors of his, and try and find other new favourite fil-ems. i am still yet to watch 'the weeping camel'... 'samsara' frustrated me, but has really, really impacted me. bits of it keep comming up in my mind, fragments.

* craft queenland has an incredible exhibition on at the moment. i love craft queensland.

* i am studying my motivation for wanting to make art and to make a dent in the brisbane scene. i am staying with that before i dedicate any more time to digging myself a place out there. because time is precious.

* my constant, 6 year desire to teach in japan is forming into a better, clearer idea of when's and how's. i want to live overseas. and i want to do it soon. and i can. i am thinking in the next 12 months or so. yes. and i really want to learn japanese. and i want to travel to iceland, back to new york, through japan, and go to melbourne. and germany. this is all forming into what i would like to call my 'list' of goals. now, it's just convincing lachlan that a/ we can afford it, and b/ it's a good idea. he seems really warey of it.

*finish dealing with self to best of ability. wean off antidepressants. get foot fixed. learn to cook. pay off credit card. get full time job. work out what i want to do with my life. travel and live overseas. learn another language.

that is the start.

book binging

yes. i went, and splurged on books. this was a good feeling.


today, and continually, i am working on what i am calling the 'soft spot.' finding what is behind the anger and sadness and stuff i raise up in reaction to stuff. being gentle with self, soft with self. quiet with self.


in order to help this, i joined a video store and got out a lesbian teen movie. and goodbye lenin.

i saw 'little miss sunshine' and i laughed and laughed and laughed.

and i am going to make some Goals.

i'm not frowning i'm just smiling upside down

* new gothic archies CD. very happy-face. my relationship with the lemony snicket seriese of unfortunate events has been complex and eventful, but my relationship with the music of stephen merritt has been nothing but bliss, ever since anarchist dave first lead me to 69 love songs. i feel deeply delighed by the cd, and now, my mission to gain a 'future bible hero's' CD is to begin.

* reading joyce carol oats, as i wanted her to win the nobel, as she was one of the few women thought close to it. 'black girl white girl.' it has made my heard feel solid and rock-like. it's an incredible book. but it makes me feel like shite. i want to finish it, both to see how the girl dies and so it will be over. but it's wonderful. don't let my words put you off it.

* i am also reading pema chodron's 'start where you are' and attempting to work though and hold my feelings with gentleness and to 'find that soft spot behind the armour.' to cradle emotions with loving-kindness, to make friends with my feelings. my main aim at the moment is 'purifying negative actions,' - learning to own my feelings of regret and transgression. think about it. sometimes, it's terribly, terribly hard to own your mistakes. and then, when you do, to know what to do with that ownership. my last attempt at owning my mistakes, fully, ended in a catapulting into another series of regrets. when my attempt to make ammends for being a TOTAL Shithead were rebulked, in a way i interpreted as Severely Cruel, rather than just holding my feelings of pain, and wounding, and seeking to understand and reflect, and return with kindness, i hit back as sharply as i could, as hard as i could, and for as long as i could. i used language as my weapon, back slashing into more and more regrets, saying things i barely could have meant as a way of whipping myself out of the hurt, of building armour away from that soft vulnerable part. this, unsurprisingly, leads to more and more regrets.

now i have this deep hole of regret, of stupidity, of overt cruelty, to people who no longer exist, and no longer existed when i ranted to friends about my percieved injustice. i mean, in seven years, we don't have one single cell in our body that is the same as it was seven years ago. not one. and, the only part of ourselves linking us to the past actions we performed is memories we construct, and those contructed by others. this is why any sort of deep sense of injury by any person, from the past is pointless. their self has moved on.

i like to follow the thinking that we are all buddha, and it is only our ignorance that gets in the way of our seeing that. i am not sure if i agree, or think that is true, or even fully understand what that means yet. but, it helps me move through this.

i guess, the point is, to feel the regret, irrespective of what happened, and to understand what i am holding here. what is it that still feels like a knife sometimes? what sort of deep betrayal did this bring up? because it's not about them. i know that. god, i know that. so why is it the receptical of my blame? i need to sit and feel what it is i feel. i need to touch those emotions and gently hold them, sit with them.
and understand if i can make emends. or if there is a point.

i mean, what DO you do when you hurt someone deeply? how do you properly apologise? what can you do? it's long past a point of doing it to 'make myself feel better,' - it's clear that the making myself feel better would come from a deeper point than any words i could say to the people i hurt. but that just sounds like hypocricsy. especially because, as people, despite all the regrets i have, i don't have any fond feelings for them. i have fond feelings for our shared past, of what happened, but my perspective of what got us where we are today leaves a bitter taste in my mouth for their side as well. but it's not about 'liking' someone. it's about an understanding of their humanity, of their 'softness,' of their deep, solid existance as sentient beings, and my act of violation of that humanity through my actions. how do you make up for that? how do you make up for an act of cruelty, of uncalled for, pathetic, low, violation? for this action against a buddha? or the child that they once were? the elder they might one day be? the vulnerable that they have been? the gentle person that they are at times? for all the passing 'badness' there is just as much goodness there, no matter who it is aimed at. and god, it doesn't deserve to be aimed at me.

(nb. i did not actually do anything physically violent here. i was just really goddamn nasty to two people who once were the two people i cared most about in the world. the injury i percieved was inflicted on me needed an equal set of backstabbing on mine. this was deeply stupid, cruel, and pathetic of me. and it, obviously, did nothing. no ones oppinions of them were changed. i am sure some people lost respect for me over my behaviour, as they rightly should have.)

this is not about bashing myself up. i am trying to look at how i feel, and what i need to to in order to move on. this is all in the distant past. we are talking almost 3 years now. longer than i was friends with her. almost as long as i knew him. and yet, i keep picking at the scab. i think what remains is completely removed from any individual events. these are people i haven't spoken to in a few years. i just have a profound shame, and revulsion at myself. deep deep disgust at my pettiness, and stupid behaviour. i have no desire to make an excuse for it; i want to own it and hold this feeling. that is my biggest hardship right now; learning to hold and feel this revulsion at my actions without self-flagulating and hating myself; because that is totally against the point as well. and from that, making emends, and healing, and continuing. i am focusing on metta towards them. i am watching my thoughts. not stopping them, but watching them. and metta. deep, gutfelt understanding of every single sentient being's noble pursuit of happiness.

bah. i sound like a wanker.

i am a Very Little Buddhist. tiny. i like to think of kwan yin benevolently sitting beside me, patient, smiling gently. i am like an infant, taking baby steps awkwardly, running into furniture and crying for attention.

degenerating to letter writing to the newspaper

yes, i am a sad, pathetic person. there was an article in the sunday mail ( a really shitty brisbane newspaper) that enraged me to the point of writing a letter. i feel dirty. and wrong. and stinky! (ok, i don't actually feel stinky.)
but, it was a really sick article. the article is here.

and my letter is 110. yes. i'm sorry, but just because some little brat doesn't like gays, doesn't justify front page news. it's repulsive. what about the gay 13 year olds? how the fuck would they feel?

in much much much better news, i have a new Favourite Move Ever.
it is called "the cave of the yellow dog', and everyone, in the whole world, ever, should see it. it was just so beautiful, a documentry with a thin thread of a story running through it, gently acted by the people living in mongolia. i really can't say much more about it, only that it easily my new best friend.
and that knitted bracelet? Third time, still fucking it up. poopies.

future bible hero search

hot damn, why don't they have any future bible hero's cds in brisbane? i obviously couldn't get one if they did... (saving money, getting books of hold shelf at work before buying anything else apart from those really great cheap dresses from hopscotch...)

what is With the burlesque thing in brisbane at the moment? it's the new pole-dancing. there is even brisbane's first burlesque bar in the valley mall.... which looks creepy, if my opinion is required of this. personlly, the whole thing leaves me with a foul taste in my mouth. it's just rebranding stripping for the kids, wrapping it in corsets and ribbons and... actually, keeping it pretty much the same as stripping, now that i think about it. maybe a little less clothes removal. not that i can bet the farm on that, as i would really rather not spend my precious spare time watching burlesque performances.

and now, i want to rant about the whole, stupid 'choice' debate in feminism. for some reason, people seem to think that if a woman choses to do something, of her own free will, it therefore becomes a 'feminist' choice. that is so obsurd. feminism is not about 'women having freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want.' it's about gender equality, about genitals not defining your social situation, or who you are. about freedom from patriarchy for men, women, children, girls and boys, and intersex people. it's not about saying ' i wear heals because i want to!'. - i mean, wear heels, fine. just don't say you are doing it for feminist reasons. you are wearing gender described clothing, aimed at situating you and your thighs clearly as objects. it's a piece of footwear designed not at comfort, or practicality, or health, but at sexualizing and objectification. so, wear your shoes. just don't call it a feminist decision.
same for cosmetics. and this is comming from someone who has, on and off for the last few years, struggled with wearing make-up. yes, there is a performative element to wearing cosmetics. but does that outweigh the issues with animal testing, carcinogens, and so on?

yeah.

i want to go to the feminist discussion group. i am debating if this is a good idea or not. hm. this one is on porn, which is one of my least favourite debate points in feminism, because it is So Damn Tired. the same few lines of logic keep getting vomited around in circles, getting nowhere. it's a point which i understand feeling strongly, and angry about, but i am sick of seeing coherant debates scatter into baseless namecalling. or semiotics. this one is personal though. anywho, i have a clear and boring stance of 'i don't like porn, i think it is by its nature opressive to women, but there are bigger issues out there.' like the global sex trade and prostitution. porn and prostitution are in a similar field, but the impact of porn on a porn worker, verses the sex trade on a young girl or boy sold to be raped by men in an asian country seems barely comparible. if we are talking about choice, let's start by dealing with the cases where there is no ambiguity, such as with minors or the mentally disabled.

oh, and what about sweatshop labour? mostly a female industry, women oppressed by big buisness. and cosmetics, grooming girls from a young age to the necessity of shaving, preening, grooming, plucking and smearing in order to look like a woman is suppose to. and clothing. all these things impact directly, constantly, and heavier on more women on a day to day basis then pornography.

in other news, i am knitting those great little bracelets out of last knitty. out of spare lacewieght. and i am wearing my New Special Hat.