angry. contrained

trying to not go over the top.
is tempting to keep sending messages. remember many times where she would send message after message when we were together. he'd answer them.

clearly, i don't get the same respect. but i would say that is true in a lot of regards.

i am very very angry right now, drinking does that. i am exceedingly upset, and i just want to sleep to make it go away. this is good. more, i want pain, i want pain, i want pain, but i am bigger than this.

previously, i'd go and get laid in order to feel better. now it won't work. i kinda want to make him hurt as much as i do right now, but he's NOT WORTH IT. need to repeat.

but that's a lie. people don't FUCKING get it.

what does elizabeth want?

1. him to ask for forgiveness. i don't need him to want to be with me. or to break up with her. i want him to ask for forgiveness. he's not even a man enough to do that.

2. i would Like to never see them together, ever again. i am solving this by taking night shifts, and weekend ones, and having wet dreams of them both leaving the library.

3. i want him back.

4. most of all, i want to not love him.

i'd be happy if he was with j. because i don't know every single iota of their relationship, i don't know every single opinion he has of her body, her self, her opinions, her phrasing, her life. i haven't sat through every change of opinion. i haven't re-heard her insult me. i haven't had to be a fucking third party in him flirting with her to make me feel sick with envy, only to have him leave me. fuck i wouldn't have CARED if he'd left me for j, because i knew WHY he loved her. all i have with M is a list of characterisitics he's shared that seem somewhat unpleasant. even if every encounter with her i've ever had has shown her to be nothing but an awesome person, he's said almost NOTHING kind about her over the whole six months. fuck THIS. fuck THIS. i ended it with HIM because he was such a fucking shit about her. fuck THIS. i knew he'd date her if i ended it, because, well, being alone is harder than approaching your life as a fucking adult, and he cares about her, and fuck, FUCK go to hell, go to hell, GO TO HELL.

pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. you made me feel like nothing. you made me feel like nothing. you get irritated if i say i am nothing, but you treat me like THIS and expect me not to feel like SHIT? you cunt. you cunt. you CUNT. how the fuck can you do this and not expect me to feel like the smallest, most pathetic human being on earth? you want to fuck me but not date me. oh, but not fuck me now, no, tighter cunt eh?

every time i think i am not angry

i realise i am.

i think there may be no alternative.

this isn't making me happy.

i am not happy. i am miserable. not depressed, i know the difference well. i am miserable right now, and i just want to stop feeling so betrayed. but i am a trusting little idiot for some stupid reason, and i like to believe in someone and something.

oh i am under it. he did steal my magic, he slipped it away and traded it up. oh i may be wonderful and magical, but tell me how that means a thing when i am tossed aside, some old rag doll limbs falling off, don't tell me i wasn't don't GIVE me that shit, you don't want to call me your girlfriend and that's not a slap in the face, a day or two after telling me you made your mind up, and you wanted to be with me?

i get to a point where i think i am resigned, and i feel so so tired, and then it falls over me again and i am angry, so ANGRY that i was so gullible, and i get nothing but a blank face, no remorse, no nothing. oh i want to be over it. oh i do. and i think this leaves me with nothing no other choices now.

is it even about this? is it more about the feeling of horrible, horrible alone, that staring emptily into the white walls in my big room, knowing there is virtually no way to meet people in this lousy city, and i kind of just want to sit around and knit socks and do little paintings, and i don't want to be alone, but i don't feel like i can trust anyone enough to even have sex with them again. seriously. i feel that betrayed right now. he defecated on that trust so profoundly each time he told me about her, compared me to her, put her down or put me down, because now i just see reflected in her eyes every similar word he fed me, only in reverse. i feel so ugly. so pathetic. so exceptionally alone, so much like something needless and dull and needing baby sitting. he treats me like a child, so i act like one. i fucking moved states alone. i left all my friends, and have survived a year in another state with my list of stupid mental illnesses that keep me on the verge of hearing voices. don't treat me like a fucking child, or i'll act like one, especially when you left me for someone you claim is less mature - i'm going to think that's what you want.

god, this is not even the point. i drag myself into caring, but essentially, it's about betrayal, and being left with ISSUES and nothing left, nothing left, in this
shit city with nothing to do, and being lied to so pathetically. and call it lies, call it 'caught in the moment' but, when you say one thing, and do something else, i'd call that a lie.

and why the FUCK am i wasting my time trying to rebuild a friendship with someone who betrayed me so deeply and has not even been bothered to take my hands, look me in the eye and say 'i treated you like shit, and no one deserves that. i said i loved you, and then i treated you worse than ANYONE, let alone a loved one, deserves to be treated. forgive me.' i have not been asked for forgiveness. so why should i be trying?

surely i have something better to be doing.

new and interesting

today, well, right now, i have a New Stage.

now, not only do i feel sick thinking of M, and her stupid habit of extrapolating on her relationship with you through her religion on facebook (it really isn't stupid, it's sort of cute, it's just that i hurt, you know)... but the realization that you ended it with me, in order to date her, is really really painful, in a sick, base of tummy way.

remember when you said that i was more clever, more attractive, more interesting, kinder, whatever? numerous statements, words to that effect. it's stinging more and more, the little repetition earworm of your regret and pain at breaking up with her and knowing you regretted that more than ending it with me... that strange sick feeling as you said you needed to resolve it with her, 'resolve'... i echo back to when you said that this was nothing more than a little glitch in our relationship. a bump. we were in this for the long haul. this was a week ago, e, a week ago. i hurt. a lot. this is hurting. i am less angry than i am just really hurting now, because what can you say? did you lie then, or have you changed your mind? or, despite the fact you think i am 'more' these things, you are less in love with me? or what? i don't get it. i DO not get it. i know you've explained it before. but i'm not angry right now, just really really sad and rejected. however you try and say 'well, i am MORE in love with you, but i am going to date HER,' it's going to sound like bullshit.

i feel like nothing. i feel like every pretty word you ever said was aimed at ... i don't know. i don't know. but that now, it's meaningless because despite all what you said, all the reassurance 'oh, it is different' that you don't want a relationship with me, but with her. you have, essentially, rejected me. totally. said, no, not you. i want her. not you. the action is more important than the words, and her joy over it is too much for me to bare, and i cannot think of seeing her, or the fact you are probably with her right now, with my little bunnies on her lap, the two of you cuddled up as i sit here, miserable and feeling like vomiting, a few states away.

that's really really really intensely painful.

she'll take you back. and you'll live out what we were going to do with her. she gets affectionate nicknames. and love, and hand holding, and lunch breaks, and i feel like all that has been stolen from under my feet, after you promised it all to me. you broke that promise something chronic. you took back all those words. and now, are you going to say those things to her? 'i love you more than elizabeth' 'you are so much more beautiful than her, so much more intelligent and funny and wonderful than elizabeth,' 'you are such a better lover,' etc? you can see how that runs around my head after having to live as the silent third party in your relationship with her for so so long.... this hurts, this hurts. this Hurts.

like i said, it's less anger now. it's a really profound sadness and sense of betrayal. that feeling of someone else being joyous at my misery, and thanking the universe for how unhappy i am. i hate this. i hate it. i don't hate you, but i look forward to the day i don't love you, and i can be rational, and see how much this has hurt me, and how horribly you have behaved, and that will make my heart move away from you, towards someone who will treat me with the respect i deserve.

do you know how belittling it is for me for you to say that you are stealing my youth? can't i decide what i want to do with my youth? i know you hate the age difference, and it makes you sad. is that the best reason to be falling in love with someone else, because they are 11 years younger and not 20? hey, i know there is more to it than that. but if i was 33? what then?

i just need to vent this out, because i am hurt now, and i know you won't reply to my texts because you are holding her, touching her, making her feel loved, while i cower in another city and cry myself to sleep again.

silliness and foolishness.

well, we all do silly things sometimes. my aim is to remain aware of when i do my silly things that end up making me feel bad, and watching why i do it. why do i want to cause discomfort to myself? this is just silly. it's a great practice for me - watching why i do things that cause me unhappiness and observing how i feel. i don't understand why i do it. but watching myself will make me more self aware. so, in some ways, it is good that i do stupid things like that. no judging. just watching.

my ultimate aim is to desire to desire to stop. it's more complex than just wanting to stop doing something - i need to want to want freedom. if you know what i mean. it's not enough to desire to be free of the ill effects of doing something stupid. i want to lose the desire to do it. to understand the action, not as 'stupid,' or 'dumb' or connected to any value judgement - just as action that is causing me harm, and to understand whatever benefit i gain is outweighed by the ill-feelings that corrospond.

erg. complex. very small buddhist. imagine me holding hands a few centimetres apart.

sometimes i feel like i am in a cycle of self-flagulation. i'll rise to a certain point of understanding, of freedom, and then it slips back and i return to the way i felt before. i will go back to being guilty and blamed and angry and frustrated. i will attempt to relocate the blame, i shove it around, i try and find the correct place. but i don't Want to blame. i don't need to blame anyone for anything. you know. i just want to stop being angry. and this is not just the basic e,m,me and lachlan thing this time. though it has somethign to do with it. it's more general. i was writing an article on how it felt to be related to someone famous for commiting a crime last night, and about halfway through, i started feeling really, profoundly angry. i mean, angrier than i have ever felt about m&e for a long long time. i felt sick with anger at the media, at people laughing at my family, at people sniggering at the situation like it was some giant joke.

and other things. if i write about them, i feel this deep sick anger start to rise. i know i need to touch that and understand it. but it is overwhelming at times.

it makes me tired. and frustrated. i guess that it's true, and the trivial situations of my past really are just covering for the things i am actually mad at.

though the guilt of my own actions does sort of hang around. i try and let it go, and commit myself to refraining from that sort of action again, but it feels like too little too late. maybe that is beside the point. it's not about being too much or too little or any sort of binary like that. i'm still distant from understanding. i mean, what am i aiming for? am i aiming to change the past? because that won't happen. am i aiming to make everything 'ok', because that is a a moot, meaningless point that doesn't make any sense to aim for. am i trying to make us all friends? that is idiotic because none of us want that. what is it i want? do i want to stop feeling guilty? yes. how do i do that? why do i feel guilty? for my actions? or for the fact there is nothing i can do to turn back what i did? because i acted revoltingly, or because i feel bad for acting revoltingly? those two are close, but obviously seperate motivations. so i can feel less ashamed? so i can feel like i am some abstract of a 'good person'? what is this 'good person' - freeing myself of regret will not make me a better human being. it is a heavy feeling in my stomach.

a part of me feels deeply angry that neither other party admits any sort of liability. what has that got to do with anything? how does my anger help me? where is this anger comming from? what is 'liability?' what is 'responsibility?' where does it lie? i feel angry that i am stocked with all this guilt because they have none. this is a thought with no grounding. it is a straw man because i don't know these people. they are strangers to me, and me to them. they no longer exist. neither does the person who performed my regrets. already, the cells in my body that did that are dying and new ones are forming. i have no idea what they think. i have an abstract form of these people i use to know, and i try and make some sense out of my current situation in relation to them. this is pointless, and only causes me pain.

bla bla bla. this is the repetitive line of thought i keep running through. hold the emotions and study them like bugs. like beautiful insects to cherish. like music that i want to play over and over again, because freedom lies in understanding these emotions. working with these buddhas is where i get answers and freedom and peace.