blop lop

i feel a lot more human tonight.
new headphones after bunny destroyed another pair awwwwww....

sleepy.

frustrating conference delivery, more 2.0 wank wank tug tug, frustrating as all hell, because the idea of a library 'not about the books, but about the people' misses the point because it's not about the people. i mean, it is. but so is any service delivery place. it's about the collection, and opening the collection to the target audience, for the use that they require. the collection is still the focus. take the focus from the collection, and you negate the library. yes, it may be a collection based on what people want. but it's the collection they come for.

but the wine was good.

and the cheese. very good cheeses.

and now i am sleepy. doctor who finished. now, hausmate and her boy's voices echo in the bathroom, it's not sexual just conversational but enough to make me feel dimly lonely for something i'm missing.

marking time

two weeks. two weeks of watching traffic imagining being in the path of a fast moving car, seeing glass on the road imagining plunging it deep into my wrist, watching feet on the ground, walking walking walking mindful stop running ahead, i see people mouthing in cars and they are mouthing the words to the song i am listening to, everyone can hear it there are eyes in the grass there are eyes in the grass....

i give it two weeks. when did this start? it started last week, early last week i started down the rabbit hole, it got worse, but this is heavy fog and i'm losing track of time already so i need to count the days tally tally in order to remember what's going on. i need to count the days so i know when it goes into a place that's classified as illness, serious illness, oh, but i'm not sure how violent the thoughts have to be and my mind has to split so far, oh like a peeling banana down goes the skin, slowing easing out the fruit.

tracking tracking bringing it back. note psychotic thoughts, disregard them, note the voice, disregard it, ignore, mindful, go back to the step, sleep heavily whenever i can, take it and dive in because it takes away awareness.

food fun and dual

feel slightly ill from too much junk and too much booze over the last few days. no, not wild partying. no.

i've seen three movies.
1. v for vendetta
2. american teen
3. choke

first at a friend of friend's house, other two in the cinema. films both slow down time and speed it up. it moves time around in a really appealing way, when i feel like i do right now. i am listening to antony and the johnsons, and it's making me sadder. i'm uploading the smiths best of that morrissey told us not to buy, and i am going to like it.

spent today with New Friend F. this was wonderful, really, amazingly good luck that she called. the previous night was bad, i drank too much, ate m&m's, and fell back into bad habits of yore, to the point where i am mildly embarrassed and don't feel like explaining, nor wearing a jumper in summer again. no excessive drinking while i'm depressed. it's not save. but i forgot how good bad things can be, and how you can watch life life life come up and bead in lines and move, and the way it smells, and the sharpness of the sensation. i know. i'm a stupid, stupid moron. but fuck it.

jule called again. i missed it. he didn't leave me one of his messages (two minutes, long rambles). i want to tell him how i find him in every shadow and every corner and unlikely places. i want to slap him, and cry in his arms. i want to look him in those huge green eyes and say
'you'll kiss a complete stranger almost every night. but you fucked me, slept next to me so many times, looked me in the eye, but wouldn't kiss me. why am i that revolting? why don't you want to care?'
i think he's why i cannot look people in the eye during sex, and why i don't want to feel loved, because the last time i slept with someone i loved more than life, he wouldn't even fucking kiss me. that's how revolting i am.

it's not about that. it's not about this either. i just fell down really fast. i was fine, i was fine, i was fine and then i woke up, and i wasn't anymore, and i was bleeding and counting the hours until i didn't anymore. my heartbeat hurts something deep, each breath is laboured, i move my body and it feels like lead, my eyes bore back into my head, the only thing i can feel concrete and realistic is sharp lines sharp lines sharp lines that are drawing little parts of me back into substance. apart from that, i hardly care. i hardly care at all. i breathe in, and i feel my heard in my throat, i swallow, i roll from one side curled up in a ball to the other. it hurts it hurts, oh god, being alive like this is painful for no actual reason i can't place it, it was falling over me like blindness fading fading but once it was gone, it was gone, and the darkness is shocking again.

this is no ones fault, this is just the way it goes again.

various

1. sad to be leaving the super fun area at work. they gave me presents. i am going to miss it there so much.
2. need to clean out bunny hauses
3. unusually hot day, which is gross
4. sleepy but i have had enough sleep, really
5. currently have the 'not doing anything with my life' complex. i am used to it, and will surely Move Past It in the next few hours
6. should do something this weekend, but do not know what. something Fun, and Great.
7. still feeling generally and non specifically shit.

larger circles

and now that i know ....
i'll pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone

oh i hate it when i find the circles again. i realize i've walked and come what i thought was a really long way a really strong way that i found my way here on my own and i'm not indestructible but i can do it, fuck, i can do it and then i remember and i look down and i see my feet sinking back into my own footprints and there's blood pooling in them like some stupid goth poem, the moments come around and around and around, and i remember i've been here before and i remember how it ends, but it ends here because it starts here again

i'm holding up on bending knees
an addiction of duplicities...

there are many familiar things here but i moved away i worked my way out of this and i am better than this and i don't know why i am thinking like this and i am angry, oh yes, i am fucking angry at this, and the last thing i need is you telling me i'm stupid when i hear it over and over and over again from the voices in my head it's too close to home and it's too near the bone and oh i look like this i know how it looks i can look in the mirror too and i've been here before and it is not how it appears and they always feel sick or sad or pity or bored or whatever when they see that other side that other side it's clearer now there's more of it and it's irritating and stupid and selfish and lazy.

it's simple, ok.
i'm so fucking scared that i will try anything to trick myself out of it. i am not that stupid, and i am not that weak, i am just going down familiar paths, and i am lying in those bloodstained sheets again, and i am beyond this i moved away and i like circles but i hate them when i see the curves moving slowly but steady and heavy. and the salt in the wound makes it better, because at least i can cry, alright, and i don't give a fuck how angst ridden and stupid and childish i sound because it hurts, alright, it hurts enough to make it come out, come out, wherever you are, and i just want to go home. do you know how many fucking hours i have spend walking around here and how much it hurts and how much i want to give up and how much i have fought this and how far i have come and how long i have spend sitting here or lying here and being here and knowing this and living this? if this makes me stuck and selfish and lazy and irritating, well, fuck you. and i mean it. because i am back here again, i got myself into this mess again, and i am getting myself out, oh fuck yes, only i am ever responsible for this, so shut up, and fuck off.


this is not as specific as it sounds. but i am back, back somewhere dark and cold and i need to get out of this again. i hate myself more than i have in years, it's getting worse and worse, and the misery is growing. something in my life isn't working at all right now, some behavior and way of thinking that i am performing is getting me stuck in the circle, and i need to make my way out. words help, and i don't fucking care how shit they sound. and i don't want your veiled inside out insults. my skin is thin, and it breaks too easily right now. this is no ones responsibility but mine, and i can fix it. i can fix it.

ta da! first night of bleaching, Done!

next stage will happen in a week i think, when hair has had a chance to recover a little. however, i am not entirely sure that it's going to work on the Old Dyed Hair, and i might just need to ChopChop down so that it's the length of the platinum bits, with a tiny itty bit of orange on the top.

if nothing else, it's kept me amused for a night.

pre-toner

an unflattering photo. i'm not yet sure exactly how hideous my hair is yet.
fairly hideous. yes.

unbearably? not sure. amusing? sure as hell.

one more step. the toner should calm the orange down.

next stage will be another bleach in the next week or so to get more orange out. i want it white. white white white. this aim is amusing me.. it's fairly arbitrary, to be honest. this is what i do when i get frustrated or cagey.

hairventure.

in process. plasticated. soon soon soon it will be a nice light shade. possibly not all platinum, but the roots are... it's just this charmingly hideous shade of orange i am trying to deal with....
it's less challenging than i thought twould be.

little circles

hi-safari-using-mac-person!! you have been enjoying the bloggity blog, i see! please... oh, you can't note me, can you.... but judging from search terms, you do know my email address. say hello, safari-using-mac-person!

other news?

last week as a graduate this week.

thinking of a new Strategic Direction for my hair will be implemented in the week.

little bunny is chewing on something, quite ominously over a mountain of sheets. ah, it's just straw. yes, i have straw on my bed.

job wondering at the moment, oh directings come to me, silly mind work things out, but i have long term goals, yes, need neater ones tidier ones... directive ones finding my way ones, saving money ones.... this is the plan, my dears, the plan, forward onwards.
justine told me today, when she could see how canberra makes me feel - 'this place is a means to an ends. NOT the end.'

the sleepiness hasn't faded. had a weekend where i Did more things than usual though.

i saw a movie tonight that utterly delighted me, and ate an icecream. little bunny is increasingly more frustrated with me, due to my harvesting him progressively. sadly, as it's almost summer, and he's an angora, he needs to be completely done, and be a funny little pink squirmy thing at the end of it, but it'll stop him overheating.he's going to have to go to a kennel in a few weeks though, when i'm in melbourne, and i'm slightly concerned the other rabbits are going to laugh at him. at the moment, he has this huge patch on his back that's bald, slowly radiating out each day as i continue harvesting away. strangely, he's got a patch of very short, very dark brown hair on his back, that i thought was darker skintone until i'd gotten the long hair off... i think it's lop hair, and the rest is angora. who knows.

i'm being good with walking home, doing it a few times, usually three or more, per week - walking to work doesn't work as well, it never has - walking home is a wonderful way to unwind and get a simple mindless footstep rhythm going.

operation re-vegenation is getting better. i was tempted by lamb today, but returned to repeat in my mind the image of my bunnies faces. it's easy and emotive and stops me giving in, because the only reason i eat meat is because i am being self indulgent. i can live without the taste, and the stuff in it, and i just need to make sure i eat egg more often and take b12 sups. i have countless reasons for not eating meat, and the only way i can is by not thinking about the reality of eating meat. so i just need to focus on that reality, and the temptation goes.

right now, i am feeling a hell of a lot better than i have been, emotionally, the last week or so. it's been a bad one for me - i've been more drained, more tired, and more stretched in the last two weeks. but then i remembered. this week is the last week of the grad programme. i've been in canberra for over 9 months. i made it. i can do this. i can be a strong person. and i will be. i will be stronger, and more assertive, and more honest about what i want. and i will try and work out what it is i want too, because i do struggle with this. but i feel as though i can start handling it again.

hm

i've worn my ankh every day for the last five years. five? i got it at the end of 2003, so, yeah, five years. i haven't taken the chain off for... god... several years now. and the chain broke. i found the silver chain snaked around my neck, slipping down my back, and the ankh gone.

it wasn't overly expensive. i bought it from the temple of st john the divine in new york city, and i put it on that day, and haven't taken it off. it was a symbol to me of my freedom from an unhappy relationship, and my freedom from fundamentalist christianity. it was not connected to my spiritual path, it was quite simply a piece of jewelery purchased from a beautiful place, in a wonderful city, during a magical week. it reminds me of all of those things, and that is why i wore it. i bought it with lachlan next to me, i bought it with my own money... i fucking love that ankh.
it's just an object, it's no big deal, i know i know... it's probably on the floor, i am sure i noticed it when i got in the shower, and when i got out.. i would have noticed if it was gone, i am sure i noticed a matter of moments after the chain slipped... so the trinket is somewhere in my room buried under the layers of fabric i guess...

i really hope i find it.

so i was thinking...

what cheers me up?
BUNNY

so here is a photo of him. post harvesting. (which is when you gently pull on the hair so it comes out... with angoras, almost all of the hair comes out. i'm guessing that because little bunny is half lop, the lop hair hasn't 'pulled'... so he's not totally bald, just cute and sparse)



and now, i am going to sleep. yes, it is 8 pm. i could say that the excitement of the US election has overstimulated me, but it's just this stupid stupid sickness. sorry, i just need a whinge, and a blog's a better place to do it than to bother other people with it.

you can tell i am tired now that my rambles get shitter. doctor tomorrow will find out what's wrong. getting this dizziness in the back of my head, this tiredness that falls me down.

harvested little bunny so he's ready for summer... about halfway there. he's still fluffy and silly looking, only shorter.

i don't want images

right now because i feel like hell like hell like hell like hell.

and with writing i don't even know where to start, i stumbled home drunk yesterday afternoon over the big bridge over the stupid lake, and got over the bridge, and fell under a tree, shade, sky between branches and cried. it's not romantic, my face goes red and i get snotty and gross and i got covered in bark. i dusted myself off and kept calling lachlan until he called me back. i left another drunk stupid message on jule's phone, a ramble about how the way he says his name on the recorded message sounds like a kitten mewing helplessly, how i was walking home, how i felt miserable, how i would pay for him to visit me, the usual. he's used to drunk phone calls, and we both laugh them off. after you've seen someone passed out on a toilet, or yelled at someone furiously in a crowded bar, or had sex, or all three, and still remain on speaking terms.... not that we really are. i haven't spoken to him since the last time i was in brisbane. the last words i said to him were those hollered drunken abuse in a bar, when i rammed my fist into a wall, and curled up in a ball in the corner, behind the space invaders machine, and sobbed hysterically. i'm friends with the barmaid, she comforted me, and a dear dear friend from canberra, who happened to be in brisbane too, held me. he calls me, frequently, his voice breaking on the messages he leaves, but i can't, sober, bring myself to return the calls.

i don't want tags. i don't want identity. i feel that skin crawling desire to depart myself right now. it'll pass, i know it will, i just have to accept it, not fight it, accept it, not fight it... breathe my way through, sleep my way through, bleed it out, because i'll be ok.

...

....the last time i self mutilated was over five years ago. i was near hysterical in the middle of my first break up, gutwrenched in my bedroom at my parents house, and i cut three lines into my calf.

i got drunk and text messaged a friend in brisbane, saying i was drunk, and lonely and missed them. we dated early last year, and the second to last time i was in brisbane, i got drunk and had sex with him again. i miss him right now not because i have feelings for him, but because he is really tall, and really warm. his hugs make the world go away and get all swallowed up in how huge he is. i miss lachlan more, so so so much more and i cry just thinking about how much i want to go home right now. i can avoid how much i hate this place sometimes because there are things/people i love here. a few of each. but i want to go home so horribly right now. i want someone from two years ago here, or a year ago, or a long time. someone who has a solid knowing of me. i want past i want those memories i want substance.

....you might hate me, oh yes, but trust me. you have nothing on how i feel about myself. utterly nothing at all.

raintime lightning time happy time.

today.
i saw currawongs fighting and got swooped.
took bunny to park.
watched dr who with nemo
did sleeping.
did more sleeping
thought about craft. did sleeping instead.

listening to the storm now, it's light rain sudden thunder, softness good for sleeping.

slept all day, feeling much more sane, feeling...
my head hurts a little, the dull ache i constantly have from the stupid-whatever-it-is that's wrong with me.

today was a day for Big Bunny, tomorrow, little bunny goes with me to cafe and park. i sat with big bunny in the yard today, he dug little holes and ate little bits of grass, and played in the dirt. i had to dust him off before he went back upstairs because the dust had turned him a soft grey.

oh, and you? i trust you. and that's harder for me than i love you. but i do.