larger circles

and now that i know ....
i'll pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone

oh i hate it when i find the circles again. i realize i've walked and come what i thought was a really long way a really strong way that i found my way here on my own and i'm not indestructible but i can do it, fuck, i can do it and then i remember and i look down and i see my feet sinking back into my own footprints and there's blood pooling in them like some stupid goth poem, the moments come around and around and around, and i remember i've been here before and i remember how it ends, but it ends here because it starts here again

i'm holding up on bending knees
an addiction of duplicities...

there are many familiar things here but i moved away i worked my way out of this and i am better than this and i don't know why i am thinking like this and i am angry, oh yes, i am fucking angry at this, and the last thing i need is you telling me i'm stupid when i hear it over and over and over again from the voices in my head it's too close to home and it's too near the bone and oh i look like this i know how it looks i can look in the mirror too and i've been here before and it is not how it appears and they always feel sick or sad or pity or bored or whatever when they see that other side that other side it's clearer now there's more of it and it's irritating and stupid and selfish and lazy.

it's simple, ok.
i'm so fucking scared that i will try anything to trick myself out of it. i am not that stupid, and i am not that weak, i am just going down familiar paths, and i am lying in those bloodstained sheets again, and i am beyond this i moved away and i like circles but i hate them when i see the curves moving slowly but steady and heavy. and the salt in the wound makes it better, because at least i can cry, alright, and i don't give a fuck how angst ridden and stupid and childish i sound because it hurts, alright, it hurts enough to make it come out, come out, wherever you are, and i just want to go home. do you know how many fucking hours i have spend walking around here and how much it hurts and how much i want to give up and how much i have fought this and how far i have come and how long i have spend sitting here or lying here and being here and knowing this and living this? if this makes me stuck and selfish and lazy and irritating, well, fuck you. and i mean it. because i am back here again, i got myself into this mess again, and i am getting myself out, oh fuck yes, only i am ever responsible for this, so shut up, and fuck off.


this is not as specific as it sounds. but i am back, back somewhere dark and cold and i need to get out of this again. i hate myself more than i have in years, it's getting worse and worse, and the misery is growing. something in my life isn't working at all right now, some behavior and way of thinking that i am performing is getting me stuck in the circle, and i need to make my way out. words help, and i don't fucking care how shit they sound. and i don't want your veiled inside out insults. my skin is thin, and it breaks too easily right now. this is no ones responsibility but mine, and i can fix it. i can fix it.