food fun and dual

feel slightly ill from too much junk and too much booze over the last few days. no, not wild partying. no.

i've seen three movies.
1. v for vendetta
2. american teen
3. choke

first at a friend of friend's house, other two in the cinema. films both slow down time and speed it up. it moves time around in a really appealing way, when i feel like i do right now. i am listening to antony and the johnsons, and it's making me sadder. i'm uploading the smiths best of that morrissey told us not to buy, and i am going to like it.

spent today with New Friend F. this was wonderful, really, amazingly good luck that she called. the previous night was bad, i drank too much, ate m&m's, and fell back into bad habits of yore, to the point where i am mildly embarrassed and don't feel like explaining, nor wearing a jumper in summer again. no excessive drinking while i'm depressed. it's not save. but i forgot how good bad things can be, and how you can watch life life life come up and bead in lines and move, and the way it smells, and the sharpness of the sensation. i know. i'm a stupid, stupid moron. but fuck it.

jule called again. i missed it. he didn't leave me one of his messages (two minutes, long rambles). i want to tell him how i find him in every shadow and every corner and unlikely places. i want to slap him, and cry in his arms. i want to look him in those huge green eyes and say
'you'll kiss a complete stranger almost every night. but you fucked me, slept next to me so many times, looked me in the eye, but wouldn't kiss me. why am i that revolting? why don't you want to care?'
i think he's why i cannot look people in the eye during sex, and why i don't want to feel loved, because the last time i slept with someone i loved more than life, he wouldn't even fucking kiss me. that's how revolting i am.

it's not about that. it's not about this either. i just fell down really fast. i was fine, i was fine, i was fine and then i woke up, and i wasn't anymore, and i was bleeding and counting the hours until i didn't anymore. my heartbeat hurts something deep, each breath is laboured, i move my body and it feels like lead, my eyes bore back into my head, the only thing i can feel concrete and realistic is sharp lines sharp lines sharp lines that are drawing little parts of me back into substance. apart from that, i hardly care. i hardly care at all. i breathe in, and i feel my heard in my throat, i swallow, i roll from one side curled up in a ball to the other. it hurts it hurts, oh god, being alive like this is painful for no actual reason i can't place it, it was falling over me like blindness fading fading but once it was gone, it was gone, and the darkness is shocking again.

this is no ones fault, this is just the way it goes again.