...

....the last time i self mutilated was over five years ago. i was near hysterical in the middle of my first break up, gutwrenched in my bedroom at my parents house, and i cut three lines into my calf.

i got drunk and text messaged a friend in brisbane, saying i was drunk, and lonely and missed them. we dated early last year, and the second to last time i was in brisbane, i got drunk and had sex with him again. i miss him right now not because i have feelings for him, but because he is really tall, and really warm. his hugs make the world go away and get all swallowed up in how huge he is. i miss lachlan more, so so so much more and i cry just thinking about how much i want to go home right now. i can avoid how much i hate this place sometimes because there are things/people i love here. a few of each. but i want to go home so horribly right now. i want someone from two years ago here, or a year ago, or a long time. someone who has a solid knowing of me. i want past i want those memories i want substance.

....you might hate me, oh yes, but trust me. you have nothing on how i feel about myself. utterly nothing at all.