every time i think i am not angry

i realise i am.

i think there may be no alternative.

this isn't making me happy.

i am not happy. i am miserable. not depressed, i know the difference well. i am miserable right now, and i just want to stop feeling so betrayed. but i am a trusting little idiot for some stupid reason, and i like to believe in someone and something.

oh i am under it. he did steal my magic, he slipped it away and traded it up. oh i may be wonderful and magical, but tell me how that means a thing when i am tossed aside, some old rag doll limbs falling off, don't tell me i wasn't don't GIVE me that shit, you don't want to call me your girlfriend and that's not a slap in the face, a day or two after telling me you made your mind up, and you wanted to be with me?

i get to a point where i think i am resigned, and i feel so so tired, and then it falls over me again and i am angry, so ANGRY that i was so gullible, and i get nothing but a blank face, no remorse, no nothing. oh i want to be over it. oh i do. and i think this leaves me with nothing no other choices now.

is it even about this? is it more about the feeling of horrible, horrible alone, that staring emptily into the white walls in my big room, knowing there is virtually no way to meet people in this lousy city, and i kind of just want to sit around and knit socks and do little paintings, and i don't want to be alone, but i don't feel like i can trust anyone enough to even have sex with them again. seriously. i feel that betrayed right now. he defecated on that trust so profoundly each time he told me about her, compared me to her, put her down or put me down, because now i just see reflected in her eyes every similar word he fed me, only in reverse. i feel so ugly. so pathetic. so exceptionally alone, so much like something needless and dull and needing baby sitting. he treats me like a child, so i act like one. i fucking moved states alone. i left all my friends, and have survived a year in another state with my list of stupid mental illnesses that keep me on the verge of hearing voices. don't treat me like a fucking child, or i'll act like one, especially when you left me for someone you claim is less mature - i'm going to think that's what you want.

god, this is not even the point. i drag myself into caring, but essentially, it's about betrayal, and being left with ISSUES and nothing left, nothing left, in this
shit city with nothing to do, and being lied to so pathetically. and call it lies, call it 'caught in the moment' but, when you say one thing, and do something else, i'd call that a lie.

and why the FUCK am i wasting my time trying to rebuild a friendship with someone who betrayed me so deeply and has not even been bothered to take my hands, look me in the eye and say 'i treated you like shit, and no one deserves that. i said i loved you, and then i treated you worse than ANYONE, let alone a loved one, deserves to be treated. forgive me.' i have not been asked for forgiveness. so why should i be trying?

surely i have something better to be doing.