next steps

with sanity, comes sexdrive
comes thus, frustration.

oh well.

i ate pie today, and read more of 'middlesex'. lay in bed. napped. thought about things. realised that i need not like anyone by proxy, and can feel however i want to. one step further from the mania. one step at a time.

a part of me is filled with the desire to shove something in the gap as fast as possible. both physically, and emotionally. there is a space there. i feel unloved. there is a space there. i am not sure what happens next. there is a space there. i need to find Another, Another, Another to feel whole again. when i can see this is what i want to do, i can then consciously not do it because this is not the solution to a gap in my heart. i've got a space there, and my first desire was to place edgar back in there. love me again. be with me again. try to forget what fucked this up, try to pretend that this is what i wanted.

rather than realise i hurt because i feel alone, which has nothing to do with someone else, i felt inferior. i have nothing to prove because a man old enough to be my dad chooses to love someone closer to his age because it's a far more sensible option. of course i will be happier long term. of course i was being stupid. i mean, he lied to me, unintentionally. he promised he would always love me more than her, and would never leave me for her. he did this time and time again. and time and time again, i told him that he would leave me, and break my heart. i eventually believed him, after breaking up with him, because i felt so vulnerable that i was left relying on the old comfort of the stimulants that sex and love provide, rather than the calm logic that governed me, knowing her brand of madness was his type far more than my slow, stoic sensibility. he'd told me enough of his past for me to know that he would want to be with her, and that i almost can know that it will end as miserably as almost all of his other relationships have, with his interest slowly, than rapidly fading, and hers not.

he once told me 'i love you more than life itself, well, at least until you say something stupid, or you bore me. then, i'll never want to see you again.' he claims he was joking, and i actually do believe, weirdly enough, that his love for me IS the sort of love that won't be ended with a sly comment. but, by the same token, he wants a lover that will have a relationship end like that, when he gets bored, when she cannot wound him as i can, and cannot break his heart.

i look forward to getting bored of thinking about this, almost as much as i look forward to not being in love with him. it's boring me, the fact that my mind is in this dull little loop of self justification. but if i try and force sociability, it'll just hurt.

so i compromise, with movies and not bands. i don't beg for sex, i just ask, and am relatively indifferent if he won't give in (i mean, really, i can take care of myself.. .it's just the sex was incredible...). company that's non-threatening. i can deal with alone time now. i can deal with myself. i like myself. i don't want to be his girlfriend. at all. ever again, even slightly. but i still am in love with him.

an interesting mental position.

i imagine that if our ages had us closer things would be different. but, his age isn't my problem, it's his retarded inability to know not to make OVERARCHING promises about things he cannot keep, or the lies he tells himself. he may be old enough to be my father, but a lot of the time, i felt like he was the spoiled child, and i, the longsuffering, frustrated parent, annoyed that he could not even say how he felt. i think it is a generational thing, and honestly, i prefer men who can be MEN about their emotions, and not little boys.

not that i don't love him, all the same. just feel ruefully frustrated at him, fondly, hair ruffle, roll eyes, silly thing...

blogs are good. i scream at the sky and no one is listening. or maybe they are, but i keep the comments off in case of abuse from e's kids. though, kids, you got yourself a NEW lady to do that to, one who i hope has been forewarned of the angry teens wanting to rip out your eyes due to the fact you are fucking their dad. *sad smile* hope you deal with that ok, or that at least neither of them get your number, or level abuse at you. it kinda sucks.