one step at a time.

a lot of posts are going in saved/draft format now because of how sickened i am by e.
one step at a time.

deleted number out of phone.

i am still in love with you.

i am drawing back. aim is to not see him again this week. this is my intention. it keeps breaking my heart.

a little less each day a little less.

the ear worm bores me more. the stupidity bores me more. the cruelty infuriates me, the insensitivity, the details, the details.... i vent it out, because it hurts. i WISH you would hurt. i want to take away 'please please please let me get what i want,' and leave you with nothing. i see those sleepless eyes though and i wonder. and they won't meet mine.

i remember the first time. it was my job interview, and he is the only person i clearly remember from that day, apart from the girl with a pencil skirt and ringlets.

i remember other random flickers. the way he looked at me the time at swing dancing. that gaze. i came to love, and trust that gaze more than anything else in the world. the intensity, that pure love. it was the only time i actually believed it. yes. i wasn't just a toy like the others. i wasn't just something to amuse him while bored at work. he actually DID love me. i still don't know if the joke is on me. but i think back, to when he leaned over and said 'i only asked you here so i could have an excuse to hold your hand,' and my heart, my Stupid heart, it still skips a beat and i feel a little breathless. and it breaks, it breaks, it breaks. and he's making love to someone else now, no condom, no condom, more details than i want to know, it crushes me, it crushes me, i sleep alone, i sleep alone, i like it that way, i am not drowning this in another lover because i've done it before and it hurts way more but it is easier than facing the heartache and i want the easy way out. i want it. i want out.