new and interesting

today, well, right now, i have a New Stage.

now, not only do i feel sick thinking of M, and her stupid habit of extrapolating on her relationship with you through her religion on facebook (it really isn't stupid, it's sort of cute, it's just that i hurt, you know)... but the realization that you ended it with me, in order to date her, is really really painful, in a sick, base of tummy way.

remember when you said that i was more clever, more attractive, more interesting, kinder, whatever? numerous statements, words to that effect. it's stinging more and more, the little repetition earworm of your regret and pain at breaking up with her and knowing you regretted that more than ending it with me... that strange sick feeling as you said you needed to resolve it with her, 'resolve'... i echo back to when you said that this was nothing more than a little glitch in our relationship. a bump. we were in this for the long haul. this was a week ago, e, a week ago. i hurt. a lot. this is hurting. i am less angry than i am just really hurting now, because what can you say? did you lie then, or have you changed your mind? or, despite the fact you think i am 'more' these things, you are less in love with me? or what? i don't get it. i DO not get it. i know you've explained it before. but i'm not angry right now, just really really sad and rejected. however you try and say 'well, i am MORE in love with you, but i am going to date HER,' it's going to sound like bullshit.

i feel like nothing. i feel like every pretty word you ever said was aimed at ... i don't know. i don't know. but that now, it's meaningless because despite all what you said, all the reassurance 'oh, it is different' that you don't want a relationship with me, but with her. you have, essentially, rejected me. totally. said, no, not you. i want her. not you. the action is more important than the words, and her joy over it is too much for me to bare, and i cannot think of seeing her, or the fact you are probably with her right now, with my little bunnies on her lap, the two of you cuddled up as i sit here, miserable and feeling like vomiting, a few states away.

that's really really really intensely painful.

she'll take you back. and you'll live out what we were going to do with her. she gets affectionate nicknames. and love, and hand holding, and lunch breaks, and i feel like all that has been stolen from under my feet, after you promised it all to me. you broke that promise something chronic. you took back all those words. and now, are you going to say those things to her? 'i love you more than elizabeth' 'you are so much more beautiful than her, so much more intelligent and funny and wonderful than elizabeth,' 'you are such a better lover,' etc? you can see how that runs around my head after having to live as the silent third party in your relationship with her for so so long.... this hurts, this hurts. this Hurts.

like i said, it's less anger now. it's a really profound sadness and sense of betrayal. that feeling of someone else being joyous at my misery, and thanking the universe for how unhappy i am. i hate this. i hate it. i don't hate you, but i look forward to the day i don't love you, and i can be rational, and see how much this has hurt me, and how horribly you have behaved, and that will make my heart move away from you, towards someone who will treat me with the respect i deserve.

do you know how belittling it is for me for you to say that you are stealing my youth? can't i decide what i want to do with my youth? i know you hate the age difference, and it makes you sad. is that the best reason to be falling in love with someone else, because they are 11 years younger and not 20? hey, i know there is more to it than that. but if i was 33? what then?

i just need to vent this out, because i am hurt now, and i know you won't reply to my texts because you are holding her, touching her, making her feel loved, while i cower in another city and cry myself to sleep again.