increased rationality

i am back in canberra. nemo said i looked calmer and more at peace. i guess that is how i feel.

my friends in brisbane, and in canberra, are incredible. i am very grateful for the wonderful people i have in my life, who love me, care for me, call me, look after me, and i know will be there for me when things get shit, no matter what. for this alone, i now know i am an amazingly fortunate person.

i miss my rabbits.

i am more solidly resolved.

i've been through a lot. a stage of wanting to bribe you with children (you know, ha, stupidly, i thought you meant it, i thought you really did want to have children with me, and i was excited that one day this would happen.) i'm slowly discarding all the dreams i had of being with you, of a house together, of meeting your family, you meeting mine (proxy friend-family, and sister), of doing paintings for your walls, of travelling to europe (ha, that one was almost a given in my mind, cemented as fairly relatively soon, i was even saving for it, stupid me), of even little things like exploring drains and urban sites, of more hours spent in your apartment, making love and holding hands. of one day, you driving me to work every day, of so many more times of you cupping my face in your hands and saying you loved me. i know a lot of these things would not have been easy, and i was prepared for the struggle.

until i realised you never actually, in reality, saw us staying together. as much as you said you could see me in your world, you actually couldn't. and then, you threw it all away, all those words, all those dreams, all those hopes. you want to live this out with someone else now, even if you say things like 'i cannot see M in my life like i can see you. ' or 'm only wants to live in a fantasy land, not reality. it won't last'. oh you said that. you also said you would Never leave me for her, and that your feelings about me never changed. so i trust nothing now.

i feel mostly angry at myself, because i knew for a long long time that things would end like this. you repeatedly, veiledly, told me so. and i, at one, stupid point, stopped thinking this was the case, and no, actually, i could trust you, and maybe we could start building a life together. not forever, not anything like that. but think about things we might want to do together later. next week. month. year. shared dreams.

i have lost them, and that makes me very very sad. but i will move on now.

but. i will not be made happier again. i come out of all this jaded, less trusting, and very very hurt. you never even wanted to call me when i was in brisbane. you couldn't even say anything other than 'oh i hurt you' to my email where i talked about why you did. you have not tried to face up to anything. i feel guttered by you. i have not been set free, i've been badly, badly wounded. i will heal, it will scar, but i will not forget what you did. i don't know totally what my heart will do in the future (see, i'm not CLAIMING any bullshit about ALWAYS LOVING YOU FOREVER MORE THAN HER BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GREAT AND SHE IS LAME, i am honest enough to admit i do not know...) but right now, i am starting to see the feelings fade. i am less inclined to beg at you, or weep, or plead for you babies. i have no pride. it's a stupid, weak thing, pride. i am honest. and i have no shame in that. i was hurt, and i needed to get it out however i could, and when you refused to talk to me, i just sent texts. if you had bothered to properly respond, maybe i wouldn't have ranted. but mainly, i don't care.


when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz works like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
and i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
and my hands grope for the light
and my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better
off alone


dilate - ani difranco

especially better off alone if you couldn't even be bothered calling me.