little on the floor

k.

remember once again why i've stopped drinking.
drinking
makes
me
want
to
die.

it was several hours of hopeless miserable sobbing, until one am. i tried my bodhichitta practice (in touch with the feeling and not the narrative, feeling not narrative) and it helped a little, but it was intensely horrifically, suicidally bad. sadly, have now reached point where some sort of expert intervention is needed, because i Literally wanted to die if i felt like that for One more moment, let alone the next couple of months that i know this will swing back in and out of my life.

it's bringing back emily and max too much, only in slightly different ways... that was so hideous, and to have the same earworm returns sure as FUCK tells me something about my life choices and where i have been going wrong. it is mourning that all over again, those same feelings of worthlessness. that same sick feeling of walking into somewhere that used to make me intensely happy and having it turn into a BIG FAT REMINDER of what happened. only there, back home, i was at home. i had a support network build up over years. i had a home. here, it's still being built and i worry so much that i am going to lose all my friends over being so PAINFUL about this stupid situation. I am bored of it. i am sick of it. i want to stop hearing about it. and shit, it's my issue. how much worse is it for them?

i'm getting sedatives. i can't fucking sleep anymore, and i am getting sicker and sicker of having to deal with this so viscerally. i still struggle to eat. what i thought was morning sickness was the fact that even going INTO work made me vomit and retch for a few hours.

i have the best friends in the world.
lachlan and liza coming to visit in june/july.
jamin coming to visit next week.
nikhi visiting through april, moving in august.
jule visiting may.
alex is in town tonight (cannot bare thought of going out yet, hope will feel better soon..)
brad has promised a later in year visit.

and my canberra friends are also incredible. so much support and kindness that it makes me cry in a happy way, but also a bit sad. oh god, hurts hurts hurt, triggered too many other past things.

for some reason, it makes me ponder my past reactions to something like this, which would have been fuck all that moves. it makes me go back and see why i slutted off, and how it was just my way of trying to feel like i was worthy of love. or something, i don't know.

places i want to move to RIGHT NOW:

melbourne. obvious. easy. friends there - awesome library - can have rabbits - has more bars than you can count - is not too far away.

new york. because it's new york.

london. beause it's london.


"she said she was going to move to melbourne. i didn't really care. but if you were, it would break my heart." - week before breaking up with me for her.