no children.

(that is the title of a mountain goats song, my good friends).
LIST TIME!

1. little bunny had worked out how to get off my bed. this is challenging as now he views my room as ONE HUGE LITTER TRAY and i can't let him run around as much. sigh.

2. today, i finally admitted i thought i might be immaculately pregnant (being, of course, a woman of refined purity....). so i pissed on the little stick, and i only got one line, and thus, am NOT with child.
thank
fucking
GOD
for that.

this also snapped me out of my demented moping. i realised that i WANT to have children one day. very very much. if i don't, i'll not feel like a failure. but i deeply want to. however. i want to have them with someone i know will be there for me, as a partner. someone who i can be with, who helps me be independent, who i love and care for, and who loves and cares for me. right now, i do not have that. i would have been living alone, pregnant, giving birth alone, and raising the child with someone else, yes, but not a lover, not a partner, but someone who i knew i did NOT want to be with, and did not want to be with me. it would have hurt me. and it would have DEEPLY hurt the father's partner. shattered her. it would have been a disaster. it would have thrown everything i wanted out of my life into disorder and pain. and he and i would be linked together until we both died, through our child.

i realised that strangely, i didn't even have a hint of regret when the little second pink line didn't come up. i was expecting some mild 'oh. i like babies...' but nothing. just elated relief. utter, total, complete relief. a small, i wonder what having a small person will be like. but SO GLAD i am not doing it yet.

if i was with someone, it would have been completely different. i know i would have been on edge, a bit scared, a bit excited, and i would have had their hand to hold as together, we watched the lines come up. and we'd look at each other after the three minutes were over, and smile at each other, either out of relief, (thank GOD not now) or a fearful excitement... rather, i went to a public toilet, held a stick under my stream of urine, and sat there, watching the lines come up, and squinting under flurescent lighting to see if there was one or two. my friend winnie checked it. there was one. we threw it out, she gently squeezed my arm, and we walked out of the toilets. that's not how i want to know if i am pregnant. that is not how i want to have a child. that is not how i want my life. and if it happens out of order, or messily, i will deal. but i just Hope to god it won't.


3. i remembered why i broke up with him. and that it was a good idea. and i tried to work out why i changed my mind. and i realised that i DIDN"T change my mind. i thought we could work things out, begin a NEW relationship no longer plagued by all the old bullshit. it was too late for that. it was far too late, and it was not right. he is not right to be my partner. i am not right to be his partner. it's as simple as that. neither of us bad people, neither of us intentionally cruel, it just Could Not Work Out, because we go about things far too differently. the end.

i changed my mind because the Work Incident (which is not worth going into, due to its retardation) reduced me to a trembling, scared little child, who just wanted someone to cling to. uni, the same. i didn't WANT to be alone. i wanted back, i wanted safe, i wanted to hide, i wanted ARMS to hug me, and someone to tell me it would all be ok. i crumbled, fell to the person i loved, and wham. we made love. it seemed like a wise idea. it was stupid.

he was right to end it again - re-establish the fact we should not be together.

4. something BROKE my brain over this though, and rendered me useless. i have no idea what happened to me. it was scary, how fast and sudden this OTHER came over me. i've never been so overwhelmed by anything in my life. never so broken. it was... demented. his behaviour did NOT warrant such hysteria. i do not understand. i feel very stupid about it, but also understand that, well, these things happen. i felt a lot of pain, and that seemed to be a good outlet for it. and then, like clouds, it passed and the sun came out, and i feel alive and right and good again. i feel like 'take on the world' elizabeth again. i could not think rationally. i could not pause and see how stupid i was being. i could not see that this would not even achieve ANYTHING, not even make me feel better. but, then again, i let myself feel it. maybe,that is just how i feel pain, and because i have spent so long not letting my heart feel properly, that when i did let go, it was monumental, and letting go a lot of anger and pain from a lot of other places. i don't know, honestly. but it was the strongest, overwhelming onslaught of emotions i've ever been staggered by. it was... actually a good thing. i have come out of it feeling as though i am alive. well alive. not depressed or overwhelmed anymore, but able to deal with feeling horrible, and knowing what to do, and knowing how to LET myself feel so much pain that i didn't know how i would breathe, but then, i did, and i did, and i did. and now, it has faded back, and i can breathe and it is sweet and wonderful, and the world awaits me, and slowly slowly, i will make this beautiful again.