so sore

so sore, feel so tired.

just want a day or so off. you know. a day out of it. a day out of everything. so i don't know how i feel. i don't feel how i feel. i am not there anymore. i want to be somewhere else, just until the tide settles.

i made a little box out of origami. i spent hours and hours and hours folding it, making each line as sharp as possible. i tested about three different designs until i found one i was happy with.

this was because i wanted to put his feelings for her in there, and give them back to him, so i wouldn't have to be hurt by seeing them anymore. i got pink paper out, and make it, a little box with a lid that folds into itself. sharp corners, standing on its own. oh god, it hurts, just writing it down. i feel overwhelmed by it today, i am so tired, and every muscle in my back is aching, aching, and my body hurts, and feels hijacked and i want it back, i want it all back, i want my heart back, i don't know i don't get it, it all hurts so much.

he said one day, we would open that little box together, gently, and we would laugh about the fact that what was in there almost destroyed our relationship. i told him i didn't want to laugh at it. i wanted him to take it back, and deal with it, and stop hurting me. this was a few days before he picked. he told me we were in it for the long haul. he told me i was the only one that mattered. and he lied, and i don't know why, and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

he found it moving. he thought it was beautiful and he loved it. i wanted to make the world anew for him, and this was the first time i felt brave enough to make something for him. i was so excited that he loved it. i wanted to do a painting of the bunnies for him. a painting of pink flowers. a drawing of hands, a smaller one in a larger one. i trusted him. i trusted him. and i was proven an utter fool.