angry. contrained

trying to not go over the top.
is tempting to keep sending messages. remember many times where she would send message after message when we were together. he'd answer them.

clearly, i don't get the same respect. but i would say that is true in a lot of regards.

i am very very angry right now, drinking does that. i am exceedingly upset, and i just want to sleep to make it go away. this is good. more, i want pain, i want pain, i want pain, but i am bigger than this.

previously, i'd go and get laid in order to feel better. now it won't work. i kinda want to make him hurt as much as i do right now, but he's NOT WORTH IT. need to repeat.

but that's a lie. people don't FUCKING get it.

what does elizabeth want?

1. him to ask for forgiveness. i don't need him to want to be with me. or to break up with her. i want him to ask for forgiveness. he's not even a man enough to do that.

2. i would Like to never see them together, ever again. i am solving this by taking night shifts, and weekend ones, and having wet dreams of them both leaving the library.

3. i want him back.

4. most of all, i want to not love him.

i'd be happy if he was with j. because i don't know every single iota of their relationship, i don't know every single opinion he has of her body, her self, her opinions, her phrasing, her life. i haven't sat through every change of opinion. i haven't re-heard her insult me. i haven't had to be a fucking third party in him flirting with her to make me feel sick with envy, only to have him leave me. fuck i wouldn't have CARED if he'd left me for j, because i knew WHY he loved her. all i have with M is a list of characterisitics he's shared that seem somewhat unpleasant. even if every encounter with her i've ever had has shown her to be nothing but an awesome person, he's said almost NOTHING kind about her over the whole six months. fuck THIS. fuck THIS. i ended it with HIM because he was such a fucking shit about her. fuck THIS. i knew he'd date her if i ended it, because, well, being alone is harder than approaching your life as a fucking adult, and he cares about her, and fuck, FUCK go to hell, go to hell, GO TO HELL.

pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. you made me feel like nothing. you made me feel like nothing. you get irritated if i say i am nothing, but you treat me like THIS and expect me not to feel like SHIT? you cunt. you cunt. you CUNT. how the fuck can you do this and not expect me to feel like the smallest, most pathetic human being on earth? you want to fuck me but not date me. oh, but not fuck me now, no, tighter cunt eh?