action

taking proper action now:

1. every trace i can is getting out of the fucking house. books lent, old jumper on the floor, a shirt of his. not taking to work. he comes and gets them, or i throw it out.

2. contacted doctors. not going more into it than that, don't particularly feel like parading my mental illnesses around as though they make me interesting in some way. but have gotten to point where outside help is needed.

3. removed him from facebook, and from little bun's facebook. i don't NEED the fucking 'in a relationship with ..... ' blinking up. sorry if i think putting up a relationship status is like something a fucking 14 year old girl needs in order to feel as though she is worthy. oh... 14 year old girl... that's right. yeah.

4. resist urge to be cruel. i know what i want to do. i know how i want to do it. because i want to fuck his life up as much as he has done mine. but this, is. stupid. it's not about him, but about my REACTION to the circumstances. yes, he treated me shit, but the reaction that makes sense is that i would never speak to him again, and would no longer love someone who acted like that. this is not how i am reacting. my reaction is largely out of my control now - thus step 2. but i am not going to do it, and i won't because it's my reaction i am having, and it's no one's fault. i don't BLAME him for me feeling this shit. my reaction to his action has caused me to fall apart. it's obviously triggered something profoundly horrible in me that's risen up, vomit like in my throat, and i can't get it out properly. i am very angry at him, but i don't blame him for the suicidal urges. that's unrelated to him, and is ONLY about me, and where i am situated right now. i am sickened by his treatment of me and it's ok to feel angry. but it's not ok to want to hurt others or myself because of this, and i need to minimise my desire, and capacity to do this, in the safest, best way possible. sorry, e, if this makes me boring, and doesn't satisfy your desire for drama. i know you get off on women saying they want to kill themselves. i know you get off on seeing people acting like perpetual teenagers. but i won't give you that fucking satisfaction. you got the woman you love because she's a 14 year old inside (or so you said). all yours. a part of me goes 'and fuck off and die' but that's petty.

trying to work out what i do next. current action plan is good. will get a lot of the most intense stuff sorted with step two.