party hard....

lazy afternoon park dozing, with my amazingly great leather (sorry, cow, but it was at LEAST third hand, and a present...) jacket.

maybe not so late. i hadn't had much sleep! really! dozy dozy!

i am not sure what exactly it is that i have eaten in the last 48 hours that has caused my stomach to hate me, with a profound, badly stinking gaseous passion. but whatever it is, god, people, stay a good ten feet away. be glad loyal readers, and regular IP addresses (HI ON.NET.AU, damn you were up early, rise and shine with the birdies, singing away, 5 am?? i bet you slept alone, surely no one with a lover and a warm soft bed and arms and gentle giggles in the evening would be reading my blog so early, god, you think i write in here so constantly because i'm HAPPY with my life?) that you are kept distant through a screen and fiber optic cables. despite my (dubious) physical temptations (yes, i lose contact/one on one time with people due to mere presence ah lament) it's better to be further when the air flows like This, my dears.

my desk at work is now immaculate (by my standards). i feel my Expressing of Interest for work in another section has fallen to dust, oh i rise about my station, don't i, little bigmouth strikes again...

Like love we don't know where or why,
Like love we can't compel or fly,
Like love we often weep,
Like love we seldom keep.

WH Auden (tail end of poem keep in context remove it, repeat it, replay it, love and law and poetry - these are the things that Kill me... i could go for a walk where it's quiet and dry, oh talk to me of precious things....)

i lost my faith in (womanhood?)? in general? ah we put our faith in love and it is misguided, really. we need retreat into logic, but that often sickens me, callous logical cause and effect, i know this on hearing words chopped out of mouths, even ones i've kissed, i hear those words of cautious clarity, of stunted sense, of searching for biological fitting partners, and i know this is not me, at all, ever, and that at heart, i am not a logical creature... i've just taken refuge in it, because my heart always leans me into circles and grabs an arm behind my back, throws me face down on to the floor and surrenders up a list before me :

darling heart and romance
contextual generation
some wierd mix of words i don't think you understand (this is numerous times over)
nothing blank no chance
i cannot kiss you because then i may love you; but i can make love to you, inside inside you, breathe on my neck, please, you god, you empty hungry ghost, take me ....

i get these lists and answers and i am not a logical creature. i want flesh and blood, and hand over hand. i want that madness.

softer

brain is very soft this morning. little thinking, slow thinking easy thinking.

list for the day.

1. buy tomatoes in cans.
2. buy washing up liquid.
3. go to park.
4. take bunny to park
5. consider changing out of same thing have been wearing for three days.
6. probs won't, actually.
8. buy vegetables and fruit.
7. learn to count
9. coffeedrink.
10. plan playdate with fee.
11. get rid of his stuff. pack gifts out of site until i am ready to work out what i feel/can do with it. (apart from the bird calendar, i love the bird calendar... oh and the bunny hat... oh... *sigh... no the POINT elizabeth... the POINT...) get rid of anything that belongs to him. noogy told me to throw it out, and i explained that was not an option for me, and it needed to be returned.

action

taking proper action now:

1. every trace i can is getting out of the fucking house. books lent, old jumper on the floor, a shirt of his. not taking to work. he comes and gets them, or i throw it out.

2. contacted doctors. not going more into it than that, don't particularly feel like parading my mental illnesses around as though they make me interesting in some way. but have gotten to point where outside help is needed.

3. removed him from facebook, and from little bun's facebook. i don't NEED the fucking 'in a relationship with ..... ' blinking up. sorry if i think putting up a relationship status is like something a fucking 14 year old girl needs in order to feel as though she is worthy. oh... 14 year old girl... that's right. yeah.

4. resist urge to be cruel. i know what i want to do. i know how i want to do it. because i want to fuck his life up as much as he has done mine. but this, is. stupid. it's not about him, but about my REACTION to the circumstances. yes, he treated me shit, but the reaction that makes sense is that i would never speak to him again, and would no longer love someone who acted like that. this is not how i am reacting. my reaction is largely out of my control now - thus step 2. but i am not going to do it, and i won't because it's my reaction i am having, and it's no one's fault. i don't BLAME him for me feeling this shit. my reaction to his action has caused me to fall apart. it's obviously triggered something profoundly horrible in me that's risen up, vomit like in my throat, and i can't get it out properly. i am very angry at him, but i don't blame him for the suicidal urges. that's unrelated to him, and is ONLY about me, and where i am situated right now. i am sickened by his treatment of me and it's ok to feel angry. but it's not ok to want to hurt others or myself because of this, and i need to minimise my desire, and capacity to do this, in the safest, best way possible. sorry, e, if this makes me boring, and doesn't satisfy your desire for drama. i know you get off on women saying they want to kill themselves. i know you get off on seeing people acting like perpetual teenagers. but i won't give you that fucking satisfaction. you got the woman you love because she's a 14 year old inside (or so you said). all yours. a part of me goes 'and fuck off and die' but that's petty.

trying to work out what i do next. current action plan is good. will get a lot of the most intense stuff sorted with step two.

new

k, am working on stuff, and feeling a lot lot LOT better, despite upcoming dr appointment. regardless of outcome, i know what i need to do, and i am resigned/settled with this, and am ready to move on with my life, with whatever the answer will be.

IN Other News:

1. i lost my phone today, briefly. for some amazing reason, phone was deposited in my bag of bunny food. i have no idea how or why i put it in a bag of loose hay. but, i did. well done.

2. i am painting again. no matter what else has come out of the last six months, it will all be more than worth it for giving me back my painting. i feel more alive and real than i have in years with the paintbrush in my hands, the smells of oils the feeling, the movement of the paint, the Making.... it's blissful, it is time stopping it is heart beat moment seeing living inside the image and feeling your heart beat out of it throbbing under the canvas... this is a part of what i mourn with the end of the relationship with e. he made me want to create. something about the dynamic between us sparked up that life, that energy that makes me want to create. it's similar to sex drive, only on a slightly different plane. it's like dancing with your eyes shut, or eating incredible food that makes your whole body shake with pleasure. or the feeling when you write, and write, and write... e and i, well, something about us made that happen for me. i will miss that sorely.

3. i am sore, and i am tired. but i did grocery shopping today. i bought utensils, and cookware, and food essentials, and i am feeling well, on top of my shit. i feel like things are coming together again, and i am enjoying my Me time.

4. i will never concede i am better off without him, or will be happier. but i can track back and the problems were so deep from the start, that we would have ended, build on a foundation of 'i will get bored' and my own retreat, and the dance of seduction, and the attempts at polyamoury, that it was set up to fail. despite, or maybe because of how much we love each other, we struggled to sustain it, but it could not have happened from that beginning. i feel cheated that M gets a relationship with a less retarded foundation, and frustrated that this all fell apart for so many reasons that fed into each other.
but i will be fine, and am more and more fine each day.

it is good. it is very good. life is good.

goals

i rarely write them, because i am shit at sticking to things.

1. read more this year. more books. more poetry. more non fiction. more anything. just read. less cluttering life with complexities and idiocies. i want to go inside for a little.
2. try feel less guilty about not finishing masters just yet.
3. finish masters one day.
4. work on building friendships strong, and being a better friend to the people i love.
5. aim towards another relationship, some time this year. no hurry, not looking. but when i am ready, i am looking forward to another relationship, and falling in love with someone again.

6. write more this year.
7. write more poetry. i love writing poetry, despite the cringe factor of the fact all teen girls write crap poetry, and i want to do it for me, not for anyone or anything else.
8. paint. at some point, buy some oils, a nice cheap little set, and do some paintings of animals.
9. draw, if and when i want to.
10. spend more time alone, but more quality time with friends.

11. drink less.
12. cook more.
13. spend less on crap.
14. spend more time with bunnies.
15. see more movies.

16. be more mindful.
17. be proud of who i am.
18. don't cower in self-deprecation, but be confident.
19. start concrete travel plans.
20. keep looking for an apartment, but don't cling to it, because it might not be an affordable possibility.

21. either go up to an APS 4 or 5 in the next few years, or at the Very Least, take a secondment to a higher level in the next six months/year.
22. focus more. learn to focus unaided.
23. expect to be treated with respect in relationships, and refuse to accept it if i am not.
24. expect to be given the time, the love, and the kindness i deserve from the people in my life voluntarily. if i am not, look at why they are in my life.
25. be kinder to everyone, regardless of how they treat me. appreciate that even if they are unkind to me, that is no need for me to, thus, be unkind to them. be compassionate, but not a doormat.

no children.

(that is the title of a mountain goats song, my good friends).
LIST TIME!

1. little bunny had worked out how to get off my bed. this is challenging as now he views my room as ONE HUGE LITTER TRAY and i can't let him run around as much. sigh.

2. today, i finally admitted i thought i might be immaculately pregnant (being, of course, a woman of refined purity....). so i pissed on the little stick, and i only got one line, and thus, am NOT with child.
thank
fucking
GOD
for that.

this also snapped me out of my demented moping. i realised that i WANT to have children one day. very very much. if i don't, i'll not feel like a failure. but i deeply want to. however. i want to have them with someone i know will be there for me, as a partner. someone who i can be with, who helps me be independent, who i love and care for, and who loves and cares for me. right now, i do not have that. i would have been living alone, pregnant, giving birth alone, and raising the child with someone else, yes, but not a lover, not a partner, but someone who i knew i did NOT want to be with, and did not want to be with me. it would have hurt me. and it would have DEEPLY hurt the father's partner. shattered her. it would have been a disaster. it would have thrown everything i wanted out of my life into disorder and pain. and he and i would be linked together until we both died, through our child.

i realised that strangely, i didn't even have a hint of regret when the little second pink line didn't come up. i was expecting some mild 'oh. i like babies...' but nothing. just elated relief. utter, total, complete relief. a small, i wonder what having a small person will be like. but SO GLAD i am not doing it yet.

if i was with someone, it would have been completely different. i know i would have been on edge, a bit scared, a bit excited, and i would have had their hand to hold as together, we watched the lines come up. and we'd look at each other after the three minutes were over, and smile at each other, either out of relief, (thank GOD not now) or a fearful excitement... rather, i went to a public toilet, held a stick under my stream of urine, and sat there, watching the lines come up, and squinting under flurescent lighting to see if there was one or two. my friend winnie checked it. there was one. we threw it out, she gently squeezed my arm, and we walked out of the toilets. that's not how i want to know if i am pregnant. that is not how i want to have a child. that is not how i want my life. and if it happens out of order, or messily, i will deal. but i just Hope to god it won't.


3. i remembered why i broke up with him. and that it was a good idea. and i tried to work out why i changed my mind. and i realised that i DIDN"T change my mind. i thought we could work things out, begin a NEW relationship no longer plagued by all the old bullshit. it was too late for that. it was far too late, and it was not right. he is not right to be my partner. i am not right to be his partner. it's as simple as that. neither of us bad people, neither of us intentionally cruel, it just Could Not Work Out, because we go about things far too differently. the end.

i changed my mind because the Work Incident (which is not worth going into, due to its retardation) reduced me to a trembling, scared little child, who just wanted someone to cling to. uni, the same. i didn't WANT to be alone. i wanted back, i wanted safe, i wanted to hide, i wanted ARMS to hug me, and someone to tell me it would all be ok. i crumbled, fell to the person i loved, and wham. we made love. it seemed like a wise idea. it was stupid.

he was right to end it again - re-establish the fact we should not be together.

4. something BROKE my brain over this though, and rendered me useless. i have no idea what happened to me. it was scary, how fast and sudden this OTHER came over me. i've never been so overwhelmed by anything in my life. never so broken. it was... demented. his behaviour did NOT warrant such hysteria. i do not understand. i feel very stupid about it, but also understand that, well, these things happen. i felt a lot of pain, and that seemed to be a good outlet for it. and then, like clouds, it passed and the sun came out, and i feel alive and right and good again. i feel like 'take on the world' elizabeth again. i could not think rationally. i could not pause and see how stupid i was being. i could not see that this would not even achieve ANYTHING, not even make me feel better. but, then again, i let myself feel it. maybe,that is just how i feel pain, and because i have spent so long not letting my heart feel properly, that when i did let go, it was monumental, and letting go a lot of anger and pain from a lot of other places. i don't know, honestly. but it was the strongest, overwhelming onslaught of emotions i've ever been staggered by. it was... actually a good thing. i have come out of it feeling as though i am alive. well alive. not depressed or overwhelmed anymore, but able to deal with feeling horrible, and knowing what to do, and knowing how to LET myself feel so much pain that i didn't know how i would breathe, but then, i did, and i did, and i did. and now, it has faded back, and i can breathe and it is sweet and wonderful, and the world awaits me, and slowly slowly, i will make this beautiful again.

bathtime!

i had a bath, lush bath bomb, deep deep bath, and oh fuck, it was wonderful. i was going to drink until i passed out, but now, i am going to have water, and breathe deeply, and go to sleep.

cbt 101. incorrect thoughts.

1. you will never love ANYONE AGAIN, he is the best human being in the whole world, ever, and you are trapped alone in misery.

answer - no, i know from my previous experiences that i will love someone else again. i will love many other people again. i will not be in love with him forever, and nor will i never get over my feelings for him. love is a choice, to an extent. to an extent. and i can work with that extent.

i also do not define myself by being in a relationship. it's ok, i LIKE being single.

2. he made you SO HAPPY.

answer - elizabeth. you are sad. very very sad. you have been sad for a long time. you only went back because you felt vulnerable. if not for the Bad Work Thing, you never would have started trying to sort it out. you were resolved, sensible, and decided. and you then crawled back because it seemed like a good idea, and you were vulnerable, and sex seemed like a Great Idea.

3. you are pathetic.

answer - you FEEL PATHETIC. not are. it's ok to feel as though i am pathetic. to regret my actions. but i am not pathetic. i am FEELING pathetic.

4. no one likes me.

this is refuted by how wonderful my friends have been.i am loved by many wonderful people.



i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am Strong.

i ran away to brisbane...

and all you got was this lousy playlist.



1. independence day - ani difranco

"telling myself i was finally free,..."

2. 100,000 Fireflies - The Magnetic Fields

" you won't be happy with me,
but give me one more chance
you won't be happy anywhere.

why do we still live here,
in this repulsive town...? "

3. done wrong- ani difranco

"how can you do nothing and say 'i'm doing my best',
how can you take almost everything then come back for the rest?
how can you beg me to stay, reach out your hands and plead
then pack up your bags and run away as soon as i agree?"

it just all slips away so slowly
you don't even notice til you've lost the lot...
i am tired, i am broke i feel stupid and i feel used
and i am at the end of my little rope and i am swinging back and forth about you..."

4. I Know It's Over - The Smiths

"with your triumphs and your charms while they're in each other's arms

not for you my love, not tonight my love... love is natural and real... but not for such as you and i, my love.

obvious.

5. bodily - ani difranco

you broke me bodily the heartache the half of it and i'll never learn to laugh at it in my good natured way....

and i knew you'd be the death of me, so i guess that's the price i pay."

so i'm trying to make new memories in cities where we fell in love, my head just barely above the darkest waters i've ever known..."

and still i think i'd stoop for you, stoop for your eyes alone"


6. Temptation - New Order

we listened to this together so many times at your house. you said it was your favourite new order song. one of your favourite songs in general.

7. Babies - Pulp

you played this for me at ALIA, in the middle of the world, in the conference centre, red dusk rocks little wallabies up the grubs indian food starlit dancing, serious, oh so serious, little hand, little hand, swinging around, and around, and walking home and pausing, and that gap, that gap, oh that gap...

8. jack the ripper - Morrissey

i played it for you in the phoenix, you had never heard it before. i couldn't believe i could ever show you anything, teach you anything that you didn't already know, let alone about morrissey. one time, as we sat there, you asked me if i was embarrassed to have your arm around me, because you were 'so old'. i wanted to laugh and wanted to cry because you are so beautiful.

9. What do you want from me - Monaco

i once noticed you had a facebook status saying you were listening to Monaco, and this was the only song i could find of it. it makes me think of you.

10. Dilaudid - The Mountain Goats

'now you say you love me, pretty soon you won't...'

is also about driving.

11. Hounds of Love - kate bush

kate bush. self evident.
plus, once we had a discussion about the speed of little bunnies heart beat, and how it reminded you of a kate bush song. it was about the fox in the song.

12. Winter - Kristin Hersh

it's clashing and beautiful and cold, and makes me think of heartbreak.

13. Roberta C. - Casiotone For The Painfully Alone

"listless intellectual, in her prime
scrabble high score 409,
with nothing remarkable to leave behind...

a note on the bed reads
'true love is hard to find'"

14. Bluebird - Swan Lake

again, like 'winter' more about the music, the clashing and the falling.

15. Call It Off - Tegan and Sara

maybe i could have been something you'd be good at...

16. No Children - The Mountain Goats

angry and sad and falling-apart, and just that little bit funny as well.

17. I don't want to get over you - The Magnetic Fields

'i could make a career of being blue, dress in black and read camus
smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth, like i was 17, it would be a scream"

18. Handsome Devil - The Smiths

i'll never forget the look on your face when i first showed you my tattoo. or the drawing you did of it the next day. or when you told me what your reaction to it was.

19. disintegration - the cure

goes in every sad-time playlist. it reminds me not of you, but of a montage of misery from years ago to now, from depressive episode to the next, of pushing metal into lightbulbs until it was hot, then pressing into skin, and watching skin bubble, of pain, of blood of distance of suffering, of physicality, of being of real of knowing something when everything else was taken away, of being unable to breathe, breathe breathe. but i survived. and i will survive this, easily.


20. origami - ani difranco

i am an all-powerful amazon warrior

disgrace and the captains table

list!

1.
fucked up uni. more to the point ; i've realised my anxiety disorder needs treating. it's made me exceedingly irrational for the last month or so. i spend all day rocking or trying not to. i went home and vomited. i shook and could not think straight. uni is not worth this. nothing is. i need to sort myself out before i do this again, because i feel like hell, and i have fucked up multiple other things (or at least, made things messier) due to this.

2.
starting to knit a little bit again, for comfort. i forget how much better it makes me feel when i cannot breathe or eat or move.

3.
paper folding.

4.
writing.

5.
i want to make something rich from inside of me more than i want to write essays right now. if this makes my career path fall back a few steps, it doesn't matter. i need to get my brain in order badly.

6.
i am trying to be less afraid of being in love. fear is the mindkiller. all it has done is create confusion. i need to be clear. i want to be clear. and not afraid.

7.
bunny is eating my pretty origami paper. awwww.

8.
i have a new friend - a dead turtle that's been on the side of the road for a few months. now it lives in my room.

music

first.
a shout out to all my regular/avid readers. i know a few people OS have kindly read all the way back to the beginning, and hell, two or three Different IP's in canberra have too. so, good on you. if you wish me well, then i hope you got something out of that much reading. if you don't, i hope you find something more constructive to do with your time than this, and that you move on from your anger, your hatred, your misreading of situations, your childishness, and your spite. this is a mixed message, to two people. and no, neither of you get the chance for feedback, because comments are staying off, because i don't need you. this blog will go on long after you are gone from my life, and i from yours, and i refuse to stop this one just because i know a few people in fucking canberra read it, who loathe me. ok?

i saw ani difranco tonight. i love live music. it makes me happy in a way that few things do. there is a room full of people, and as you listen to songs that you have heard more times than you remember, with which you have complex relationships develop, which are sacred to you. in a room of people who weep on hearing the same song, or love, or celebrate and dance, or just sing along silently. you catch the eyes of a stranger who sees it too, and you feel it together, and you can feel the sounds below your feet, and the vibration is just completely different from music that's canned.

i adore ani because she is frank, she is bare and naked, and she is shameless. she does not hide. she is utterly vulnerable. she allows people to see her, and take it. they may mock her, or think she is 'adolescent' for expressing emotions, or that she is weak because she cares passionately, feels passionately, sings passionately... i loathe that. i loathe smugness, and that need to remain cynical and bitter in order to be 'strong' because that sort of strength just proves you are weak. this is an angry post from me out to the world of people/person who glares and smirks at me, all smug, because i am full of life, and i don't feel ashamed, and i don't need to skulk, or wear my detachment and bitterness, and my 'hell is other people' on my sleeve. i am not afraid to love, and live, even though it is scary. i fuck up often, and end up in the gutter, but i am not ashamed of this. i get angry beyond belief at condescension and i think if it happens one more time, something will end, what, i don't know.

for another note:

bands i have seen. this list is to comfort me of the fact i missed - beirut, tv on the radio, explosions in the sky, tegan and sarah, et al, in the last year since moving to canberra...

ani difranco - x2 canberra 09, brisbane 04
morrissey - livid (brisbane) 02
the cure - brisbane 07
the mountain goats - the zoo (brisbane) 08
casiotone for the painfully alone - the troub (brisbane) 07
the dresden dolls - the zoo (brisbane) 06 (?)
amanda palmer - the zoo (brisbane) 07
sigur ros - x2 - tivoli (brisbane) 07
bjork - big day out (gold coast) 07
arcade fire - big day out (gold coast) 07
reguritator - x2 - the met (brisbane) 07, big day out (gc) 07
mogwai - livid (brisbane) 02
dirty three - livid (brisbane) 02
bill callahan (smog) - the troub (brisbane) 06
low - the troub (brisbane) 06
animal collective - the zoo - (brisbane) 06
m ward - the zoo (brisbane) 07
patrick wolf - rosies (brisbane) 07
piana - powerhouse (brisbane) 07
tennis coats - x3 brisbane various
pj harvey - brisbane convention centre 05
sufjan stevens - the troub (brisbane) 07
tujiko noriko- x2 brisbane


this is just bands that are big, make music and not sound, and massively effected me. there were others that i have seen that haven't shifted me massively. others, locals, (candy falls, rialto decibel choir, marlinchen, all and sundry, ambitious lovers et al) i have seen multiple times, in multiple venues (lots of rics. lots and LOTS of rics).

i will ahve missed heaps out, but this comforts me. it reminds me of wonderful heavy solid moments that make me cry and feel human so alive so utterly bodily.

and fine, laugh at me because i feel things and am not ashamed to say so. fuck you.

the mountain goats....glee-gleeeee

here's some true to life moments with elizabeth. that's what i look like in front of the computer in the evening, staring at the screen wide eyed buzzing whiteness into my retinas.
list time.

1. just impulsively bought tickets to see the mountain goats in brisbane in december, and plane tickets. i don't have to pay for somewhere to stay, and *smiles sweetly* might be able to get airport transport sat night. it's pretty much just to see them - i'm in melbourne when they play sydney, and back in canberra when they play melbourne. argh. it's messy. but! mounty-goats!

2. falling in love is more fun/mad/insane/normal when you do it in the wrong places.

3. OPAC's and databases are amazing. seriously. being a librarian before them would have been hideously harder. i've spent the last few days digging through every issue of australian rolling stone from 1989 to present, trying to see if there was one with Nick Cave on the cover. strangely enough, there was not. but this just made me overwhelmed with gratitude for the Internet, which makes finding information so much easier. god, i love the internet.

4. i don't do the 'librarian' blog thing well. mainly because i am a selfish little selfinterested cunt, that tends to think my internal rants are more worthy of being written and thought out than my musings on my profession. and also, i tend to like to leave work at work, and spend my spare time being self indulgent. such is the luxury of youth. speaking of which, i got Carded last night!! *grins* awwwwww. he thought i could be under 18! how kind.

5. i become more entranced with orange juice the more i listen to them. other bands i adore, like 'ambitious lovers' have a similar shambolic charm to them. but god, orange juice do it with such balance, such... panache.

6. being tired all the time sucks. the doctor called me today, well, receptionist, saying the doctor wanted to see me very soon. this means something Nasty showed up on the bloodtest. so, lets take a bet. -more severe glandular fever? - -b12 fucked up?- -hormone levels in hell?- take a pick... pick a card.... any card...

mmmmsleepytime now.

walking

i ate a lot of garlic yesterday and today, and my sweat smells like garlic. it's not an offensive smell to me, but i'm fairly sure it's more offensive to others. god, i love garlic.

list time:
1. walking to work and home from work was great. i did mentally gripe, and verbally gripe, but it's actually a good thing. i liked doing it. i'm going to keep doing it. i feel better for it; more awake, more alert.

2. however, i feel profoundly grumpy. i think this might be due to cutting down the refined sugar in my diet, through aiming to eat better. it makes me feel very, very cranky pants.

3. little bunny chewed through my ipod cord. bad bunny. Bad. awww but his little face is so cute, gawd i love him.

4. speaking of, my own issues are frustrating me. yes. i don't care, that's how i feel, i'm not apologising for it. i wish i wasn't so terrified of emotional intimacy. that level of human-ness scares me deeply. i can fuck any stranger, but if someone wants deeper, god, i get like a shy little bunny and scuttle around head into holes. i am no longer an All Powerful Amazon Warrior. i get scared. i need to re-settle into a headspace. but a lot of things that were really, really worrying me - mainly the feelings of a third party in a situation in am in, have been clarified, and i feel so much better, so much less mean, nasty, stealer, than i did. it's all good in that respect. now the only thing i need to work my way through is my self. oh goody. you know what that means? Navel Gazing! with the fishy. he will help me. with his fishy, fishy goodness. mmmmfishy.

5. snortle snortle goes little bunny. snortle. he keeps chewing on my copy of 'intercourse' which is amusing. is he bitter about the depiction of intercourse in novels as well? or just bitter because he has no testicles? or does he just like the texture of the paper? i guess i'll never know. he also pissed all over my study guide for uni, which made me giggle, and give him a cuddle. we feel the same, there, little dude. totally the same.

6. sigh, i feel homesick at the moment for brisbane, something chronic. i can't go home til jan. it's almost november though. only two months. i can make it.

aim.

list time. i like lists.

1. finish QUT part of uni. this semester. no dropping out, no excuses. i do it.
2. start on thesis for curtin part of masters.
3. cook more.
4. save more = travel money. pay off credit card, Travel Money
5. clean more. and better.
6. find carpet in room.
7. work out why i sleep so much, and stop sleeping so much.
8. self confidence. get some.
9. what do i want? work it out.
10. create. because that is what keeps me sane.
11. read more. because this is what reminds me why life is wonderful.
12. open up while keeping self contained. because this, human interaction, is what life is about.

re-blogging.

1. random decision. all good librarians should blog.

2. my small bunny scrambles around my bed right now, his little feet all fluffy and soft.

3. exhibition areas of libraries, and public programs, are my current Library-interest.

4. life in general is being terribly flummoxing at the moment, so much so that i feel the need to blog because it calms me. it reminds me of being 16 and suicidal, and the only place i had anywhere to express what was going on, was in my blog. however, i'm not in a position to actually go into things that are flummoxing me, so that, i think, might defeat the purpose.

5. damn.

beautiful raining day

1.

rain rain happy rain.

it's very beautiful and cold and silky and goooood. i am very much enjoying the rain.

2.

my wallet has been lost. somewhere. i am cautiously optimistic it is in the couch. or under the shit on my floor somewhere. i am going to dig when i get home.

3.

sock! yes! sock! my pleasure has not yet diminished, but my hand started to hurt so i had to stop for a bit. but no mor pain = more sockking.

is that a verb? no? it is now.

4.

oh i love rainy days so so so much.

5.

i had a hot chocolate today. it was awfully good. and delicious banana bread for breakfast.

6.

i've been thinking about makeup again, which is what i always do when my skin gets bad. i need to remind myself of my Feminist Convictions that i don't need to give into a mass cultural notion of female beauty, and my selfhood is not contingent on not having acne scarring and pimples. i get into a debate, proving my points for why i don't need to wear makeup, in order to counter the fact that someone always makes a comment on how i should. i will Grit Teeth And Bare It.

lifted brow and mr turtle

1. lachlan and i have a pet turtle! his name is Mr Iggy Turtle, because iggy pop looks a lot like a turtle. i tend to call him mr turtle. nikhi is going to look after him for a few months, until we get one place (rather than the current situation of us living across two apartments).

2. lifted brow launch! it looks incredible, really beautiful layout, simple but perfectly effective. i am exceedingly happy about my article, which ronny edited to perfection.
2a. bands were fabulous - marlinchen's final song was one of the most moving pieces of live music i have heard. lachlan had tears in his eyes, (not just because he was a little... wine-ed up) and i was not far off it. jasmine's voice was so stunning, and her lyrics are so clear and pure. the mix was so much better in the troubadore, rather than in ric's. if only the cord or something hadn't kept distorting the violin. but god. the last song was like a culmination of all the other songs. goddamn the fact that will be their last show. sadface. glenda. you need to tell me what will be happening. ok? * eyeballing my lovely glenda over the internet*
2b. it was like a giant party with all our friends in a troubadore. i would list them all, but it would take too long.

chewing off arm

good:
new b o o t s!
cheap stitch dictionary
colourmart silk arrived

bad:
uni is totally, completely fucked up, and now i have to go through the 'working out how to remove the 1's i somehow got by applying for special consideration due to my mental-ly breakdown thing or whatever. i want to throw up. god. i hate this stuff. i hate it. and i need to get it worked out in order to apply for my library masters, which i have all the info for, it's all ready to go, even my academic transcript (minus the failed - uncompleted subjects i never did...)

::throws things:::::

i am going to Calmly Knit, and wait for shrink to call me back. she will give me a doctors certificate, and it will ALL Be OK.

australia post, i hate you

right now i am waiting on:

-pomemgrannet juice from a swap. months ago.
-an expressed posted card from *wink-wink*, from a few weeks ago. express post, australia post - you know what that means? yep. express.
-12 sets of DPN's from three weeks ago
-8 balls of red and black cotton from three weeks ago
-pattern of lace glove from two weeks ago
-kilo of sari silk (much more recent)
-a just posted skein of cashmere *twitches with delight*
-magazine from swap
-book from swap.

australia post? yeah. ok, operate good-ly! send me my things! my things! send! send! send!
*pouts* in other news, i feel really really icky. i got my navel ring caught in the till, and it ripped a little and bled. and Hurt like HELL. and i feel exhaused. and a bit... funny. meh. therapy backlash eh?

flat

as the title would suggest, i feel very flat today.

probably because
1. i slept very late today. buy this i mean until midday. i should Know by now that this is a stupid thing to do, that gives me terrible headaches and makes me feel hungover.

2. punkrawker86, a regular on my online haunt, knitty coffeeshop, passed away. i cannot remember ever chatting directly to her, or even directly responding to any of her posts. but. it's sort of like if someone in your grade at school passes away. you know them by site. just not personally.
it reminds me of when dave at the library passed away. only i was buddies with dave. it was totally unexpected - he never even let on that he was sick. he just.... went. he had a little girl. we talked about setting up fake satanic alters around the library to creep out the students. we mucked around. then, all of a sudden, he was gone.

3. uni? the weather? the fact i feel apathetic? meh? the fact i have no money due to irrisponsible spending? mosquito bites all over my wrist?


however, it is relatively exciting that i turn 22 next week. on wednesday. 5th. go me. big me. birthday me.

knitting will cheer me up.

bad, bad veritas.

i bought Two delightful bottles of cherry beer. at $8 each. that is Stupid.

and an amazing shirt with little dinosaur stilhouettes on it. for $40. this was, however, reduced from $269 dollars, so the bargin outweighs the fact i just bought More clothes, probably the last thing i needed.
hm.

i feel truely Poopie today. so i have reasoned i need to eat More Fruit, Less Chocolate, and No Processed Food today, and so on, until i feel better. come on, brain. come on.... *zaps brain with super electric things...* i mean, nothing triggered this one. i have had a great few days. admittedly, i fucked up the surprise crochet project, which, though frustrating, is hardly reason to get as poopie as i am now.

however, i refuse to make this a rambling, 'wahh, listen to me talk about my ongoing battle with depression,' because it's not that interesting for me to write, or for anyone to read, and thinking about yourself is about the worst thing you can do to help depression. so, i am trying to be Positive, and Mindful.
and some of my special books came in, so i can go home and read my zen buddhist and tibetan buddhist books. it is honestly the best therapy i can give myself. remember to be mindful. remember the self is a thoughstream. remember that there are chemicals in my brain that get more thrown out by negativity. remember that each action should be done to help me and all other sentient being reach enlightenment. remember to breath. watch the breath. remember to be peace, be compassion. remember interconnectivity; that each part of life around me is made up of thousands of others.

*sighs* rught. either that, or i can go to the doctor, and ask to get hiked up to the 150mg again.

i need to.
... finish my 'lucky'
... write thesis
... think about thesis
... do the ADS returns in the back room
... save money to pay off credit card more
... save money to buy a table when anita moves out.
... count minutes until house no LONGER smells like weed
... " " i no longer run into strangely drug effected people when going to get a drink of water


i Hate mercury retrogrades. i'm an aries. mercury retrogrades make me feel like each particle of energy is being drained out of my fingers. argughg. come on, going backwards is lame. stupid mercury.