good-day!

good-day indeed.

strangely good.
psychiatrist = bipolar aparently. this is, strangely enough, amazingly comforting to have an idea of what happens in my head. even just reading through bloggity blog, it's fairly clear there is something... shall we say... erratic about my thinking. the lapses in and out of sense, from joy to madness, from sleeplessness to sleeping all day. there is a comfort in knowing what is wrong with me, and how to battle it better. and bipolar fits like a glove. anyone who knows me intimately can recognise that, the flipside, the energy the lack of food and sleep, the energy, to the dead, the sleep, the lack of movement, the solidity.

i've been tentatively diagnosed as bipolar about four times before. this psychiatrist spoke to me for an hour and a half, and that's her tentative conclusion. it's in writing, and on my medical record now, that little sticker, that little marker. that place that makes me ... well. not what i am. but contextualized behaviour that taunts me. the fucking everything, the spending, the movement and the dancing and the fluctuations. that... wild wild sense of lack of control that i get, the beauty in that. the sliding from word to word, shape to shape, imagining to imagining....

the main focus for me is sleep. psych says that it's important i sleep, sleep, sleep and sleep irregularity can massively move the mania into danger, which is something i've intimately noticed. the danger times for me are when i am staring at the roof, unable to sleep, mind racing racing in some sort of hideous cage....so we have our Friends the Sedatives, to help out when i need to. new fight, new rules, new game, little mind, let's see how this round goes....

i've also lost a lot of weight. i'm visibly thinner, verging on gaunt, from what i was even weeks ago. but, aparently the light is back in my eyes, they are brighter again. i stand tall again. and i feel human. i am Amazon Warrior again, i am fighting again, i am in the midst of the battle and i shall find my way home, into arms, into warmth, into love once more, into an embrace where i feel safe and loved.

the anger remains ... dissipated. slipped backwards a little. fading out. i am every day, moving how i feel into other spaces. i love him, oh god, i love him, you mad beautiful human, e, you wonderful beast, but i lose that sense of need, and ownership that somehow struck out. the desire is still there, heady in my gut when i see him, or think of him, but no longer a blackness when i think of him with someone else. that bitterness is gone, and i am ok. he is free, and i am free, and i still love him, and want him, and it taunts me a little, but not badly. it is more like an itch in an area i cannot easily scratch now. frustrating. and a little disappointing. time has slipped us far apart, time has taken us from each other as partners. we'll never have that. i need to state this to remind myself, to let my Self know and remember solid-like each day that what we did, he and i, well, i, then him, was right.

the presence of the new lover stings. but not so sharp now, he is free to do as he pleases, and i am free to love him regardless. the love will move and i will be comfortable with it, and i am ok with loving him and not sharing that with him as we used to, and finding new ways for us to love each other, while we are partnered with others. because, inevitably, i'll also find love in another, as he has in M, and we'll have to move through this. still stings, the weight of what i am missing does seem heavy and needless sometimes, craving past moments, past touches, past places of being together, oh yes, hurting, but not aching, not so physical now, just softly, softly, a little twitching memory flickering under the skin, deeper some times, lighter but no less physical at others.

his life is his, and he can do with it as he wants. i'll not fight this. i'll just be his friend, slowly letting it grow easier as we get used to the new positions. his choices are his, as are mine. i am, as i said before, looking forward to this new life with him. hand in hand, just differently, just differently.

dinner with N and T, well, dinner with N, oh GOd i have missed her, beautiful goddess that she is. i swear i will make much more time to be with her... and T is wonderful too.
happyday. it is good.

shiny!

i once again remembered that this was my damn blog, and i would blog however i wanted to.... if i want to talk about my battle with my brain, i will. it's not angsty, it's how i am living my life.

last night, i was exceedingly distressed. it was amazingly bad. i knew it couldn't go on. it was at the space where i was feeling that, if i needed to feel like this for any longer, i could not survive it. this is danger point, red flag, deal with it NOW territory. so i did. i am damn lucky to live in a state with exceptional mental health care. you make a phone call here, and people come out and talk to you, and work out what needs to be done.

i've swallowed more than my pride, and taken an anti-psychotic as a sedative. i have a childish fear and loathing of anti-psychotics. however, the effects are starting to roll over me and they are amazingly pleasant. so am no longer in deep fear of our sedating friends.am looking forward to SOLID sleeptime, and being dead to world for a bit. also looking forward to working on Re-imagining The Apartment. It's a dreamy plan. i have a week or so until it's officially, on PAPER, all mine. then nikhi is here for a month, (with jamin for a few days too), and jule in may. i want the amazing combination of nikhi energy, and jule energy.

and i want to knit a shawl. a healing shawl. one for me, one for liza, one for winnie, and one for nikhi, one for fi, one for lady emma, one for lady nat... etc.

oh god... this is a pleasurable feeling. everything is getting softer and softer and softer, the organs are sliding in and out of each other. nice.

action

taking proper action now:

1. every trace i can is getting out of the fucking house. books lent, old jumper on the floor, a shirt of his. not taking to work. he comes and gets them, or i throw it out.

2. contacted doctors. not going more into it than that, don't particularly feel like parading my mental illnesses around as though they make me interesting in some way. but have gotten to point where outside help is needed.

3. removed him from facebook, and from little bun's facebook. i don't NEED the fucking 'in a relationship with ..... ' blinking up. sorry if i think putting up a relationship status is like something a fucking 14 year old girl needs in order to feel as though she is worthy. oh... 14 year old girl... that's right. yeah.

4. resist urge to be cruel. i know what i want to do. i know how i want to do it. because i want to fuck his life up as much as he has done mine. but this, is. stupid. it's not about him, but about my REACTION to the circumstances. yes, he treated me shit, but the reaction that makes sense is that i would never speak to him again, and would no longer love someone who acted like that. this is not how i am reacting. my reaction is largely out of my control now - thus step 2. but i am not going to do it, and i won't because it's my reaction i am having, and it's no one's fault. i don't BLAME him for me feeling this shit. my reaction to his action has caused me to fall apart. it's obviously triggered something profoundly horrible in me that's risen up, vomit like in my throat, and i can't get it out properly. i am very angry at him, but i don't blame him for the suicidal urges. that's unrelated to him, and is ONLY about me, and where i am situated right now. i am sickened by his treatment of me and it's ok to feel angry. but it's not ok to want to hurt others or myself because of this, and i need to minimise my desire, and capacity to do this, in the safest, best way possible. sorry, e, if this makes me boring, and doesn't satisfy your desire for drama. i know you get off on women saying they want to kill themselves. i know you get off on seeing people acting like perpetual teenagers. but i won't give you that fucking satisfaction. you got the woman you love because she's a 14 year old inside (or so you said). all yours. a part of me goes 'and fuck off and die' but that's petty.

trying to work out what i do next. current action plan is good. will get a lot of the most intense stuff sorted with step two.

no children.

(that is the title of a mountain goats song, my good friends).
LIST TIME!

1. little bunny had worked out how to get off my bed. this is challenging as now he views my room as ONE HUGE LITTER TRAY and i can't let him run around as much. sigh.

2. today, i finally admitted i thought i might be immaculately pregnant (being, of course, a woman of refined purity....). so i pissed on the little stick, and i only got one line, and thus, am NOT with child.
thank
fucking
GOD
for that.

this also snapped me out of my demented moping. i realised that i WANT to have children one day. very very much. if i don't, i'll not feel like a failure. but i deeply want to. however. i want to have them with someone i know will be there for me, as a partner. someone who i can be with, who helps me be independent, who i love and care for, and who loves and cares for me. right now, i do not have that. i would have been living alone, pregnant, giving birth alone, and raising the child with someone else, yes, but not a lover, not a partner, but someone who i knew i did NOT want to be with, and did not want to be with me. it would have hurt me. and it would have DEEPLY hurt the father's partner. shattered her. it would have been a disaster. it would have thrown everything i wanted out of my life into disorder and pain. and he and i would be linked together until we both died, through our child.

i realised that strangely, i didn't even have a hint of regret when the little second pink line didn't come up. i was expecting some mild 'oh. i like babies...' but nothing. just elated relief. utter, total, complete relief. a small, i wonder what having a small person will be like. but SO GLAD i am not doing it yet.

if i was with someone, it would have been completely different. i know i would have been on edge, a bit scared, a bit excited, and i would have had their hand to hold as together, we watched the lines come up. and we'd look at each other after the three minutes were over, and smile at each other, either out of relief, (thank GOD not now) or a fearful excitement... rather, i went to a public toilet, held a stick under my stream of urine, and sat there, watching the lines come up, and squinting under flurescent lighting to see if there was one or two. my friend winnie checked it. there was one. we threw it out, she gently squeezed my arm, and we walked out of the toilets. that's not how i want to know if i am pregnant. that is not how i want to have a child. that is not how i want my life. and if it happens out of order, or messily, i will deal. but i just Hope to god it won't.


3. i remembered why i broke up with him. and that it was a good idea. and i tried to work out why i changed my mind. and i realised that i DIDN"T change my mind. i thought we could work things out, begin a NEW relationship no longer plagued by all the old bullshit. it was too late for that. it was far too late, and it was not right. he is not right to be my partner. i am not right to be his partner. it's as simple as that. neither of us bad people, neither of us intentionally cruel, it just Could Not Work Out, because we go about things far too differently. the end.

i changed my mind because the Work Incident (which is not worth going into, due to its retardation) reduced me to a trembling, scared little child, who just wanted someone to cling to. uni, the same. i didn't WANT to be alone. i wanted back, i wanted safe, i wanted to hide, i wanted ARMS to hug me, and someone to tell me it would all be ok. i crumbled, fell to the person i loved, and wham. we made love. it seemed like a wise idea. it was stupid.

he was right to end it again - re-establish the fact we should not be together.

4. something BROKE my brain over this though, and rendered me useless. i have no idea what happened to me. it was scary, how fast and sudden this OTHER came over me. i've never been so overwhelmed by anything in my life. never so broken. it was... demented. his behaviour did NOT warrant such hysteria. i do not understand. i feel very stupid about it, but also understand that, well, these things happen. i felt a lot of pain, and that seemed to be a good outlet for it. and then, like clouds, it passed and the sun came out, and i feel alive and right and good again. i feel like 'take on the world' elizabeth again. i could not think rationally. i could not pause and see how stupid i was being. i could not see that this would not even achieve ANYTHING, not even make me feel better. but, then again, i let myself feel it. maybe,that is just how i feel pain, and because i have spent so long not letting my heart feel properly, that when i did let go, it was monumental, and letting go a lot of anger and pain from a lot of other places. i don't know, honestly. but it was the strongest, overwhelming onslaught of emotions i've ever been staggered by. it was... actually a good thing. i have come out of it feeling as though i am alive. well alive. not depressed or overwhelmed anymore, but able to deal with feeling horrible, and knowing what to do, and knowing how to LET myself feel so much pain that i didn't know how i would breathe, but then, i did, and i did, and i did. and now, it has faded back, and i can breathe and it is sweet and wonderful, and the world awaits me, and slowly slowly, i will make this beautiful again.

bad, bad veritas.

i bought Two delightful bottles of cherry beer. at $8 each. that is Stupid.

and an amazing shirt with little dinosaur stilhouettes on it. for $40. this was, however, reduced from $269 dollars, so the bargin outweighs the fact i just bought More clothes, probably the last thing i needed.
hm.

i feel truely Poopie today. so i have reasoned i need to eat More Fruit, Less Chocolate, and No Processed Food today, and so on, until i feel better. come on, brain. come on.... *zaps brain with super electric things...* i mean, nothing triggered this one. i have had a great few days. admittedly, i fucked up the surprise crochet project, which, though frustrating, is hardly reason to get as poopie as i am now.

however, i refuse to make this a rambling, 'wahh, listen to me talk about my ongoing battle with depression,' because it's not that interesting for me to write, or for anyone to read, and thinking about yourself is about the worst thing you can do to help depression. so, i am trying to be Positive, and Mindful.
and some of my special books came in, so i can go home and read my zen buddhist and tibetan buddhist books. it is honestly the best therapy i can give myself. remember to be mindful. remember the self is a thoughstream. remember that there are chemicals in my brain that get more thrown out by negativity. remember that each action should be done to help me and all other sentient being reach enlightenment. remember to breath. watch the breath. remember to be peace, be compassion. remember interconnectivity; that each part of life around me is made up of thousands of others.

*sighs* rught. either that, or i can go to the doctor, and ask to get hiked up to the 150mg again.

i need to.
... finish my 'lucky'
... write thesis
... think about thesis
... do the ADS returns in the back room
... save money to pay off credit card more
... save money to buy a table when anita moves out.
... count minutes until house no LONGER smells like weed
... " " i no longer run into strangely drug effected people when going to get a drink of water


i Hate mercury retrogrades. i'm an aries. mercury retrogrades make me feel like each particle of energy is being drained out of my fingers. argughg. come on, going backwards is lame. stupid mercury.