good-day!

good-day indeed.

strangely good.
psychiatrist = bipolar aparently. this is, strangely enough, amazingly comforting to have an idea of what happens in my head. even just reading through bloggity blog, it's fairly clear there is something... shall we say... erratic about my thinking. the lapses in and out of sense, from joy to madness, from sleeplessness to sleeping all day. there is a comfort in knowing what is wrong with me, and how to battle it better. and bipolar fits like a glove. anyone who knows me intimately can recognise that, the flipside, the energy the lack of food and sleep, the energy, to the dead, the sleep, the lack of movement, the solidity.

i've been tentatively diagnosed as bipolar about four times before. this psychiatrist spoke to me for an hour and a half, and that's her tentative conclusion. it's in writing, and on my medical record now, that little sticker, that little marker. that place that makes me ... well. not what i am. but contextualized behaviour that taunts me. the fucking everything, the spending, the movement and the dancing and the fluctuations. that... wild wild sense of lack of control that i get, the beauty in that. the sliding from word to word, shape to shape, imagining to imagining....

the main focus for me is sleep. psych says that it's important i sleep, sleep, sleep and sleep irregularity can massively move the mania into danger, which is something i've intimately noticed. the danger times for me are when i am staring at the roof, unable to sleep, mind racing racing in some sort of hideous cage....so we have our Friends the Sedatives, to help out when i need to. new fight, new rules, new game, little mind, let's see how this round goes....

i've also lost a lot of weight. i'm visibly thinner, verging on gaunt, from what i was even weeks ago. but, aparently the light is back in my eyes, they are brighter again. i stand tall again. and i feel human. i am Amazon Warrior again, i am fighting again, i am in the midst of the battle and i shall find my way home, into arms, into warmth, into love once more, into an embrace where i feel safe and loved.

the anger remains ... dissipated. slipped backwards a little. fading out. i am every day, moving how i feel into other spaces. i love him, oh god, i love him, you mad beautiful human, e, you wonderful beast, but i lose that sense of need, and ownership that somehow struck out. the desire is still there, heady in my gut when i see him, or think of him, but no longer a blackness when i think of him with someone else. that bitterness is gone, and i am ok. he is free, and i am free, and i still love him, and want him, and it taunts me a little, but not badly. it is more like an itch in an area i cannot easily scratch now. frustrating. and a little disappointing. time has slipped us far apart, time has taken us from each other as partners. we'll never have that. i need to state this to remind myself, to let my Self know and remember solid-like each day that what we did, he and i, well, i, then him, was right.

the presence of the new lover stings. but not so sharp now, he is free to do as he pleases, and i am free to love him regardless. the love will move and i will be comfortable with it, and i am ok with loving him and not sharing that with him as we used to, and finding new ways for us to love each other, while we are partnered with others. because, inevitably, i'll also find love in another, as he has in M, and we'll have to move through this. still stings, the weight of what i am missing does seem heavy and needless sometimes, craving past moments, past touches, past places of being together, oh yes, hurting, but not aching, not so physical now, just softly, softly, a little twitching memory flickering under the skin, deeper some times, lighter but no less physical at others.

his life is his, and he can do with it as he wants. i'll not fight this. i'll just be his friend, slowly letting it grow easier as we get used to the new positions. his choices are his, as are mine. i am, as i said before, looking forward to this new life with him. hand in hand, just differently, just differently.

dinner with N and T, well, dinner with N, oh GOd i have missed her, beautiful goddess that she is. i swear i will make much more time to be with her... and T is wonderful too.
happyday. it is good.