party hard....

lazy afternoon park dozing, with my amazingly great leather (sorry, cow, but it was at LEAST third hand, and a present...) jacket.

maybe not so late. i hadn't had much sleep! really! dozy dozy!

i am not sure what exactly it is that i have eaten in the last 48 hours that has caused my stomach to hate me, with a profound, badly stinking gaseous passion. but whatever it is, god, people, stay a good ten feet away. be glad loyal readers, and regular IP addresses (HI ON.NET.AU, damn you were up early, rise and shine with the birdies, singing away, 5 am?? i bet you slept alone, surely no one with a lover and a warm soft bed and arms and gentle giggles in the evening would be reading my blog so early, god, you think i write in here so constantly because i'm HAPPY with my life?) that you are kept distant through a screen and fiber optic cables. despite my (dubious) physical temptations (yes, i lose contact/one on one time with people due to mere presence ah lament) it's better to be further when the air flows like This, my dears.

my desk at work is now immaculate (by my standards). i feel my Expressing of Interest for work in another section has fallen to dust, oh i rise about my station, don't i, little bigmouth strikes again...

Like love we don't know where or why,
Like love we can't compel or fly,
Like love we often weep,
Like love we seldom keep.

WH Auden (tail end of poem keep in context remove it, repeat it, replay it, love and law and poetry - these are the things that Kill me... i could go for a walk where it's quiet and dry, oh talk to me of precious things....)

i lost my faith in (womanhood?)? in general? ah we put our faith in love and it is misguided, really. we need retreat into logic, but that often sickens me, callous logical cause and effect, i know this on hearing words chopped out of mouths, even ones i've kissed, i hear those words of cautious clarity, of stunted sense, of searching for biological fitting partners, and i know this is not me, at all, ever, and that at heart, i am not a logical creature... i've just taken refuge in it, because my heart always leans me into circles and grabs an arm behind my back, throws me face down on to the floor and surrenders up a list before me :

darling heart and romance
contextual generation
some wierd mix of words i don't think you understand (this is numerous times over)
nothing blank no chance
i cannot kiss you because then i may love you; but i can make love to you, inside inside you, breathe on my neck, please, you god, you empty hungry ghost, take me ....

i get these lists and answers and i am not a logical creature. i want flesh and blood, and hand over hand. i want that madness.