white feather

i considered sending it up in a blank yellow envelope with your name on it. slipping it onto your desk carefully, quietly, and slipping away in turn, carefully, silently. you'd maybe think it was from me, i know, but likely not, likely not, it could be some of your other 'fans'.

disclaimer. as this is a BLOG, rather than an accurate recording of history, the events retold in here may reflect more of my own Feelings on an event, than the actual situation. regardless, i feel that my own idea is valid, and my own feelings are valid, and that you, loyal readers, are fully able to work out for yourself if my position is biased. clearly, anything relating to someone i have feelings for who i am no longer in a relationship with is going to be a little volatile, and biased. i am assuming that you, loyal readers, can understand this.

the reliance on the audience, on the adoration of women, the submission of men, of the posture, of the stance, of the 'this is MY man territory, other man' even over tables, at people who seem to be taking up more space, is a little sad. you made your choice, so don't posture. don't lean forward, don't stretch those arms back, eyes threatened, narrowed, body language is clearer than words.

you know what, loyal readers?

i don't think everyone hates grads. i think my idea of this has been undermined by repeatedly being Told it. emphasized that i am loathed on the basis of my job. i've heard before that i've been incorrectly informed about people hating me, and i'm choosing to go with the angle that i am NOT hated because of my job. people may NOT think it's fair that i get privileges, and you know, that's ok. however, maybe i'm not as hated as i've been lead to believe. maybe, just maybe, this was a little bit more about undermining my self confidence in the organisation, when i was already more than a little insecure. sometimes, it's better to be gentle.

oh it's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate,
it takes strength to be gentle and kind.
and it might just be a smiths quote, but i also think it is profoundly true. it's a lot harder to be kind and gentle to people. you are taking a risk. it's so easy to laugh at people, so Easy to be sarcastic and cynical, and negative and bored and indifferent. to be open, and joyous, and gleeful and gentle, and kind to others is hard. it takes strength of character to be so vulnerable. and i would rather be strong and vulnerable. i would rather say 'i love you, and sometimes this is hard, when you shut off and act cold because it is Easier than being raw and open,' rather shutting off and being cold myself. i would rather be kind. i am going to try to be kind, and not taunting. i am bigger than proving that i can be attractive to others. i know this. i am bigger than taunting. i am bigger than proving things. i am bigger than mocking and making light of the situation.

the reason i want to is because i was made to feel small, and i want to be big again. however, i can be bigger, much bigger without the small. i can be big through being open, and kind, and gentle. of showing that yes, my feelings haven't changed. i still have that ring around my finger. i still love you. only it's changed, and the change is difficult to negotiate in the workplace. it's not even so much about her, but about the oddness, the newness, and the distance. and it's hard, and i feel vulnerable. but i am Strong in that knowledge, because i can use that vulnerability to be bigger, and stronger, and MORE of an amazon warrior. warriors have soft parts, they know where they are, and they appreciate it. they make themselves stronger though, they learn about their limitations and strengths, and they work to them, defend what needs defending, and hold what matters close to the heart and not give in.

i stand tall. i am good, and i am kind, and i am open, and that is a beautiful thing. i'll not become harsh and cynical and sarcastic, or bitter and negative and believing the world is out to get me. it is not fair or unfair. i am very, very lucky. everyone is.
i will not try and match behaviour to what i think you must prefer, actions speak louder, so much louder. there is nothing wrong with who i am, and i refuse to hold that to be true, that it is better to be harsh and bitter and cynical and laugh at the world, rather than to wonder and see the beauty and the magic and the open and the hope and the goodness as well as the harshness.