white feather

i considered sending it up in a blank yellow envelope with your name on it. slipping it onto your desk carefully, quietly, and slipping away in turn, carefully, silently. you'd maybe think it was from me, i know, but likely not, likely not, it could be some of your other 'fans'.

disclaimer. as this is a BLOG, rather than an accurate recording of history, the events retold in here may reflect more of my own Feelings on an event, than the actual situation. regardless, i feel that my own idea is valid, and my own feelings are valid, and that you, loyal readers, are fully able to work out for yourself if my position is biased. clearly, anything relating to someone i have feelings for who i am no longer in a relationship with is going to be a little volatile, and biased. i am assuming that you, loyal readers, can understand this.

the reliance on the audience, on the adoration of women, the submission of men, of the posture, of the stance, of the 'this is MY man territory, other man' even over tables, at people who seem to be taking up more space, is a little sad. you made your choice, so don't posture. don't lean forward, don't stretch those arms back, eyes threatened, narrowed, body language is clearer than words.

you know what, loyal readers?

i don't think everyone hates grads. i think my idea of this has been undermined by repeatedly being Told it. emphasized that i am loathed on the basis of my job. i've heard before that i've been incorrectly informed about people hating me, and i'm choosing to go with the angle that i am NOT hated because of my job. people may NOT think it's fair that i get privileges, and you know, that's ok. however, maybe i'm not as hated as i've been lead to believe. maybe, just maybe, this was a little bit more about undermining my self confidence in the organisation, when i was already more than a little insecure. sometimes, it's better to be gentle.

oh it's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate,
it takes strength to be gentle and kind.
and it might just be a smiths quote, but i also think it is profoundly true. it's a lot harder to be kind and gentle to people. you are taking a risk. it's so easy to laugh at people, so Easy to be sarcastic and cynical, and negative and bored and indifferent. to be open, and joyous, and gleeful and gentle, and kind to others is hard. it takes strength of character to be so vulnerable. and i would rather be strong and vulnerable. i would rather say 'i love you, and sometimes this is hard, when you shut off and act cold because it is Easier than being raw and open,' rather shutting off and being cold myself. i would rather be kind. i am going to try to be kind, and not taunting. i am bigger than proving that i can be attractive to others. i know this. i am bigger than taunting. i am bigger than proving things. i am bigger than mocking and making light of the situation.

the reason i want to is because i was made to feel small, and i want to be big again. however, i can be bigger, much bigger without the small. i can be big through being open, and kind, and gentle. of showing that yes, my feelings haven't changed. i still have that ring around my finger. i still love you. only it's changed, and the change is difficult to negotiate in the workplace. it's not even so much about her, but about the oddness, the newness, and the distance. and it's hard, and i feel vulnerable. but i am Strong in that knowledge, because i can use that vulnerability to be bigger, and stronger, and MORE of an amazon warrior. warriors have soft parts, they know where they are, and they appreciate it. they make themselves stronger though, they learn about their limitations and strengths, and they work to them, defend what needs defending, and hold what matters close to the heart and not give in.

i stand tall. i am good, and i am kind, and i am open, and that is a beautiful thing. i'll not become harsh and cynical and sarcastic, or bitter and negative and believing the world is out to get me. it is not fair or unfair. i am very, very lucky. everyone is.
i will not try and match behaviour to what i think you must prefer, actions speak louder, so much louder. there is nothing wrong with who i am, and i refuse to hold that to be true, that it is better to be harsh and bitter and cynical and laugh at the world, rather than to wonder and see the beauty and the magic and the open and the hope and the goodness as well as the harshness.

don't let me near 1001 books you must read before you die.
all i do is look through it and get angry at the books they are leaving out. i enjoy it too much.

guess what? *shhh, don't tell anyone...* my favourite bookstore in the world has a job up. and guess who is applying? *shhh... * if i got a job at folio, it would mean that i would have to do things. however, it would also mean that i would work in the best bookstore in queensland. **hugs folio**
whoot! whoot!

almost finished arm warmer number one.

so soft and purdy. and fluffy. *cuddles*
i'm starting to feel hungry. it is over 4 hours until the chance of eating though.'
*sniffs*

alllrighty! dream job application is IN and READY to GO. not quite dream job, ok. job working in the queensland art gallery, as one of those people who wander around a lot... it's a large pay increase, and full time. which is the main thing, in my new, library aiming, because i need Money to study part time, when it;s not just thesis writing. it appears i don't even need to answer the selection criterea until the interview.

i am helping the hangover from hell with a friendly little creatures beer.

an old friend ofmine is also in the cafe. for a long story, we don't talk any more.

and my dear SP, i don't Really wear black all the time, *grins* ... i am a recovered ansty teenager who Use to wear almost all black. i am now a woman with too many clothes, in every imaginable colour. that is what is so fun,... i can, and do, change my appearance so rapidly it confuses people. one day, i can look like a goth angel, the next, i'll be wearing a sixties dress with bright blue checks. then old blue jeans and a ratty american aparel singlet, then a morrissey shirt with skirt. i just have a lot of black skirts with a lot of lace, and a lot of old, hungover goth clothing... don't worry, dear SP, i am not a crazy little gothlet any more...

(the background is all black because i haven't had time to make it purdy....)

i am looking forward to my cheap tacos again. even though it is not as cold as i would like, i am having a happy-brisbane-is-my-friend day. even if i am in the midst of a job crisis due to my useless degree.

ah well. a few more years, and i will have a reasonably useful postgraduate qualification....

*shudders*

really nasty hangover.
can i do the whole * i am never ever drinking again* thing? yeah, well, i know i will.

*shudders*

at least it is raining. that is always nice. and now, i get to go scour for jobs on the internet. job hunting is almost as bad as works crapness.
why does my dream job have to have so much conflict? i love the place. i Love my bookstore so much. i love picking the books, i love my customers, i love the books we have. i love so much about the job... i am just sick of walking into work and feeling this physical bad energy from the people in the coffee shop. i am sick of them constantly being irritated, mad, annoyed, furious at me/us because We DO a DIFFERENT JOB. and i do not respect being told what to do by people who are Not my boss, and have nothing to do with my job. i hate passive aggressive behaviour. i hate this negativity. it's just vile, and i am Over it. i would rather do a job i could just do.

i would actually rather just knit.

*sulks in a hung-over way...*

my branching out is making me very, very happy.

and my wonderful, amazing secret pal sent me this exquisite soft grey yarn with bits of feather through it... .i am imagining this yarn in arm warmers and a matching hat. which would either look insane, or really cute, like a bunny. *fingers crossed for cute like a bunny*...

i am so over work at the moment i needed to take one ball of the beautiful grey yarn, my wonderful mohair, and my mohair scarf in process with me. i am reverting to childhood through my desire to carry around random things with me for comfort.

not long until there are heaps of jobs comming up at the art gallery. Real Job. Grown Up and Adult Job. not stupid, i finished a useless degree and cannot get a real job Job.

mother has given me a complex.

that, and i a BORED OUT OF MY MIND WITH RETAIL. maybe i do need a job where i have to think.

c'mon. someone has to know what i want to be when i grow up... well... when i grow up a little more... well... now. *sighs* i am useless.

on the upside, the chocolate sent by my sp was incredible.

and i might be going to see brokeback mountain tonight... i have left over free tickets. but, i have to start work at 9.30 tomorrow morning, so i want an early night, because we are on SALE tomorrow. poooohs to sale.

work smells like mushrooms and garlic. this smells good for the first half hour. after three, the smell makes you want to die. there was also a rotten egg in the back room this morning. *pukeface*

*mentally pats mohair*
ok. all better.