new

k, am working on stuff, and feeling a lot lot LOT better, despite upcoming dr appointment. regardless of outcome, i know what i need to do, and i am resigned/settled with this, and am ready to move on with my life, with whatever the answer will be.

IN Other News:

1. i lost my phone today, briefly. for some amazing reason, phone was deposited in my bag of bunny food. i have no idea how or why i put it in a bag of loose hay. but, i did. well done.

2. i am painting again. no matter what else has come out of the last six months, it will all be more than worth it for giving me back my painting. i feel more alive and real than i have in years with the paintbrush in my hands, the smells of oils the feeling, the movement of the paint, the Making.... it's blissful, it is time stopping it is heart beat moment seeing living inside the image and feeling your heart beat out of it throbbing under the canvas... this is a part of what i mourn with the end of the relationship with e. he made me want to create. something about the dynamic between us sparked up that life, that energy that makes me want to create. it's similar to sex drive, only on a slightly different plane. it's like dancing with your eyes shut, or eating incredible food that makes your whole body shake with pleasure. or the feeling when you write, and write, and write... e and i, well, something about us made that happen for me. i will miss that sorely.

3. i am sore, and i am tired. but i did grocery shopping today. i bought utensils, and cookware, and food essentials, and i am feeling well, on top of my shit. i feel like things are coming together again, and i am enjoying my Me time.

4. i will never concede i am better off without him, or will be happier. but i can track back and the problems were so deep from the start, that we would have ended, build on a foundation of 'i will get bored' and my own retreat, and the dance of seduction, and the attempts at polyamoury, that it was set up to fail. despite, or maybe because of how much we love each other, we struggled to sustain it, but it could not have happened from that beginning. i feel cheated that M gets a relationship with a less retarded foundation, and frustrated that this all fell apart for so many reasons that fed into each other.
but i will be fine, and am more and more fine each day.

it is good. it is very good. life is good.