late late

i find it interesting how i fluctuate around, from fine to not fine to fine again.

what i wish is that i could have broken up with e name removed by a subtle request - he didn't tell me to remove it, he said he didn't care, but the number of times he has said he doesn't care about things he cares about... well.. fuck. it's a lot , without there being someone else in the sidelines. i could totally cope with the end of a relationship, that really was not working. and that could not be fixed. there were SO many reasons i ended it with him, and it should have STAYED ended. that's my other regret. why did i sleep with him again? well, i know why. the amazing sex of awesome. sigh. obviously. but still. my mind was made up.

but seeing him run to someone else, to have someone else there to be with, while i am ALONE... hurts. realistically, it is better for me. it is FAR better for me, than for him, because i can process my feelings without having a relationship going on. i can deal with it. i can process, and rebuild and grow. it is not that i am jealous of her getting him, when i am honest with myself. it's that i am jealous of HIM having someone to hold, and someone to love, and knowing that it is possible to fall in love again. that's the bit i am hating. that feeling like i will NEVER love another human being again.

oh silly little brain, you know you will! you know that somewhere, just around a little tiny corner, you'll find someone who you'll want to have your heart. you won't make them tired, or scared of how they feel. they will be brave like you are. you will stand up at the sky, and open your arms, and breathe it all in. you'll need some time alone, little elizabeth, to pull back and feel ok again. you'll need to learn that you don't need a lover to be happy. (you know this!). you need to remember how to love someone properly. you need to work out if you want monogamy or not (i think, i think i do now.. after this.. Foul foul failure of an exercise...) you need to have baths. you need to feel strong and untouchable, and worthy of love. you have a lot of these things.

i love him, and i felt it is stupid to throw it away over nothing. but this is because i wanted to pretend the reasons for breaking up that he gave me, stumblingly, in the way he communicates when on the spot, are the reasons. i need to remember the story he wrote. the poem. the articulation in art, not in the crude light of day which he cannot do well. and i need to remember Strong Elizabeth, who broke up with him because she was unhappy, it was unfixable, and she knew, knew, KNEW it was the right thing to do. i don't know why i keep wanting to beg him to love me again. he DOES love me. i keep harping on the fact that he picked her. that's NOT the case. he ended up with her because our relationship was over, and he was in love with her too. he didn't PICK her. our relationship would have failed with or Without her there.


sense clicks in, and finally remembers something...? elizabeth, remember when you broke up with lachlan? and then dated henry? you DIDN'T PICK HENRY OVER LACHLAN!!!! your relationship with lachlan was over. you did NOT love henry more- you loved Lachlan far more. you just wanted to date him at the same time your relationship with lachlan ended/changed. good work!


i can See this. i don't GET why i am so hung up. maybe because i am letting myself feel it? maybe because i actually don't want to go back to him, i don't have anything to lose by being a tard? maybe because i hate being rejected and it swings me back to jule, and to jordie, and to brent, and to hannah and to all the others that i was not 'enough' for... i just...

i think realising that i actually DO get it, heh... (remember the Henry time? remember? yes!) will help. yes. it has. i feel so silly for only just remembering it now. *snorts* and now, this time on, who do i speak to once a week? the guy i made out with while with lachlan, and i dated when we broke up? or, lachlan, my best friend, who came down to stay with me when i moved interstate? who i can tell anything? who i love more than life itself? who's girlfriend i love almost as much as i love him?

yes. obvious.

i just want a cuddle, i think, and this makes me irrational. hehehehe. ah, little me. silly little me. i feel fond, and loving towards myself, for being so hurt and so wounded over something so easy to understand if i had just thought about it like this...