silliness and foolishness.

well, we all do silly things sometimes. my aim is to remain aware of when i do my silly things that end up making me feel bad, and watching why i do it. why do i want to cause discomfort to myself? this is just silly. it's a great practice for me - watching why i do things that cause me unhappiness and observing how i feel. i don't understand why i do it. but watching myself will make me more self aware. so, in some ways, it is good that i do stupid things like that. no judging. just watching.

my ultimate aim is to desire to desire to stop. it's more complex than just wanting to stop doing something - i need to want to want freedom. if you know what i mean. it's not enough to desire to be free of the ill effects of doing something stupid. i want to lose the desire to do it. to understand the action, not as 'stupid,' or 'dumb' or connected to any value judgement - just as action that is causing me harm, and to understand whatever benefit i gain is outweighed by the ill-feelings that corrospond.

erg. complex. very small buddhist. imagine me holding hands a few centimetres apart.

sometimes i feel like i am in a cycle of self-flagulation. i'll rise to a certain point of understanding, of freedom, and then it slips back and i return to the way i felt before. i will go back to being guilty and blamed and angry and frustrated. i will attempt to relocate the blame, i shove it around, i try and find the correct place. but i don't Want to blame. i don't need to blame anyone for anything. you know. i just want to stop being angry. and this is not just the basic e,m,me and lachlan thing this time. though it has somethign to do with it. it's more general. i was writing an article on how it felt to be related to someone famous for commiting a crime last night, and about halfway through, i started feeling really, profoundly angry. i mean, angrier than i have ever felt about m&e for a long long time. i felt sick with anger at the media, at people laughing at my family, at people sniggering at the situation like it was some giant joke.

and other things. if i write about them, i feel this deep sick anger start to rise. i know i need to touch that and understand it. but it is overwhelming at times.

it makes me tired. and frustrated. i guess that it's true, and the trivial situations of my past really are just covering for the things i am actually mad at.

though the guilt of my own actions does sort of hang around. i try and let it go, and commit myself to refraining from that sort of action again, but it feels like too little too late. maybe that is beside the point. it's not about being too much or too little or any sort of binary like that. i'm still distant from understanding. i mean, what am i aiming for? am i aiming to change the past? because that won't happen. am i aiming to make everything 'ok', because that is a a moot, meaningless point that doesn't make any sense to aim for. am i trying to make us all friends? that is idiotic because none of us want that. what is it i want? do i want to stop feeling guilty? yes. how do i do that? why do i feel guilty? for my actions? or for the fact there is nothing i can do to turn back what i did? because i acted revoltingly, or because i feel bad for acting revoltingly? those two are close, but obviously seperate motivations. so i can feel less ashamed? so i can feel like i am some abstract of a 'good person'? what is this 'good person' - freeing myself of regret will not make me a better human being. it is a heavy feeling in my stomach.

a part of me feels deeply angry that neither other party admits any sort of liability. what has that got to do with anything? how does my anger help me? where is this anger comming from? what is 'liability?' what is 'responsibility?' where does it lie? i feel angry that i am stocked with all this guilt because they have none. this is a thought with no grounding. it is a straw man because i don't know these people. they are strangers to me, and me to them. they no longer exist. neither does the person who performed my regrets. already, the cells in my body that did that are dying and new ones are forming. i have no idea what they think. i have an abstract form of these people i use to know, and i try and make some sense out of my current situation in relation to them. this is pointless, and only causes me pain.

bla bla bla. this is the repetitive line of thought i keep running through. hold the emotions and study them like bugs. like beautiful insects to cherish. like music that i want to play over and over again, because freedom lies in understanding these emotions. working with these buddhas is where i get answers and freedom and peace.