* new gothic archies CD. very happy-face. my relationship with the lemony snicket seriese of unfortunate events has been complex and eventful, but my relationship with the music of stephen merritt has been nothing but bliss, ever since anarchist dave first lead me to 69 love songs. i feel deeply delighed by the cd, and now, my mission to gain a 'future bible hero's' CD is to begin.
* reading joyce carol oats, as i wanted her to win the nobel, as she was one of the few women thought close to it. 'black girl white girl.' it has made my heard feel solid and rock-like. it's an incredible book. but it makes me feel like shite. i want to finish it, both to see how the girl dies and so it will be over. but it's wonderful. don't let my words put you off it.
* i am also reading pema chodron's 'start where you are' and attempting to work though and hold my feelings with gentleness and to 'find that soft spot behind the armour.' to cradle emotions with loving-kindness, to make friends with my feelings. my main aim at the moment is 'purifying negative actions,' - learning to own my feelings of regret and transgression. think about it. sometimes, it's terribly, terribly hard to own your mistakes. and then, when you do, to know what to do with that ownership. my last attempt at owning my mistakes, fully, ended in a catapulting into another series of regrets. when my attempt to make ammends for being a TOTAL Shithead were rebulked, in a way i interpreted as Severely Cruel, rather than just holding my feelings of pain, and wounding, and seeking to understand and reflect, and return with kindness, i hit back as sharply as i could, as hard as i could, and for as long as i could. i used language as my weapon, back slashing into more and more regrets, saying things i barely could have meant as a way of whipping myself out of the hurt, of building armour away from that soft vulnerable part. this, unsurprisingly, leads to more and more regrets.
now i have this deep hole of regret, of stupidity, of overt cruelty, to people who no longer exist, and no longer existed when i ranted to friends about my percieved injustice. i mean, in seven years, we don't have one single cell in our body that is the same as it was seven years ago. not one. and, the only part of ourselves linking us to the past actions we performed is memories we construct, and those contructed by others. this is why any sort of deep sense of injury by any person, from the past is pointless. their self has moved on.
i like to follow the thinking that we are all buddha, and it is only our ignorance that gets in the way of our seeing that. i am not sure if i agree, or think that is true, or even fully understand what that means yet. but, it helps me move through this.
i guess, the point is, to feel the regret, irrespective of what happened, and to understand what i am holding here. what is it that still feels like a knife sometimes? what sort of deep betrayal did this bring up? because it's not about them. i know that. god, i know that. so why is it the receptical of my blame? i need to sit and feel what it is i feel. i need to touch those emotions and gently hold them, sit with them.
and understand if i can make emends. or if there is a point.
i mean, what DO you do when you hurt someone deeply? how do you properly apologise? what can you do? it's long past a point of doing it to 'make myself feel better,' - it's clear that the making myself feel better would come from a deeper point than any words i could say to the people i hurt. but that just sounds like hypocricsy. especially because, as people, despite all the regrets i have, i don't have any fond feelings for them. i have fond feelings for our shared past, of what happened, but my perspective of what got us where we are today leaves a bitter taste in my mouth for their side as well. but it's not about 'liking' someone. it's about an understanding of their humanity, of their 'softness,' of their deep, solid existance as sentient beings, and my act of violation of that humanity through my actions. how do you make up for that? how do you make up for an act of cruelty, of uncalled for, pathetic, low, violation? for this action against a buddha? or the child that they once were? the elder they might one day be? the vulnerable that they have been? the gentle person that they are at times? for all the passing 'badness' there is just as much goodness there, no matter who it is aimed at. and god, it doesn't deserve to be aimed at me.
(nb. i did not actually do anything physically violent here. i was just really goddamn nasty to two people who once were the two people i cared most about in the world. the injury i percieved was inflicted on me needed an equal set of backstabbing on mine. this was deeply stupid, cruel, and pathetic of me. and it, obviously, did nothing. no ones oppinions of them were changed. i am sure some people lost respect for me over my behaviour, as they rightly should have.)
this is not about bashing myself up. i am trying to look at how i feel, and what i need to to in order to move on. this is all in the distant past. we are talking almost 3 years now. longer than i was friends with her. almost as long as i knew him. and yet, i keep picking at the scab. i think what remains is completely removed from any individual events. these are people i haven't spoken to in a few years. i just have a profound shame, and revulsion at myself. deep deep disgust at my pettiness, and stupid behaviour. i have no desire to make an excuse for it; i want to own it and hold this feeling. that is my biggest hardship right now; learning to hold and feel this revulsion at my actions without self-flagulating and hating myself; because that is totally against the point as well. and from that, making emends, and healing, and continuing. i am focusing on metta towards them. i am watching my thoughts. not stopping them, but watching them. and metta. deep, gutfelt understanding of every single sentient being's noble pursuit of happiness.
bah. i sound like a wanker.
i am a Very Little Buddhist. tiny. i like to think of kwan yin benevolently sitting beside me, patient, smiling gently. i am like an infant, taking baby steps awkwardly, running into furniture and crying for attention.
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2 comments:
You can never erase the words that were said or the wounds that they caused, but by accepting that the behaviour was wrong and apologizing to the people that were hurt, you help to close the wounds. That matters. By doing this, you tell them that their feelings matter. That you didn't just turn your back on them and forget about them.
They may not react like you expect them to or hope they will, but you will know that you have done what you can.
Everyone has regrets, even the Buddha.
Ultimately what you did is actually what you did to yourself. We can portray the Other as a buddha or even say (as I did here) the other is us, but really the other is not the self or not a self.
The thing about karma is that we are not suppose to do even good karma because it perpetuates the cycle of rebirth. Some people disagree with this and think we must do good. But that is ultimately wrong. Because if you truly regret what you have done in the past you will make the choice not to ever do it again. And that is the sincerest way to show your regret, by not ever repeating it.
In other words trying to correct past mistakes only keeps the regret alive.
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