no more Cold_turkey

ok.
weaning quietly. gently. taking pill at night, so that the second day is not as bad as it was last time. i am starting to feel really, really warey of tomorrow and what my body is going to do.

i had a terrible day at work, so that adds to it.

so.

i am going to use this as a mood blog for a bit - according to good ol' crazy-meds, it's a good idea to keep a mood blog while going off pills in order to note if, and when, you become depressed again. and how, why, etc.

see, i know it's important to keep an eye on my moods. i have been trying to do that for the last two years, and they have been really regular. due to, you know, being regulated with medication. but i need to watch it, seriously. and clean. i want to work on being Cleaner around the house.

i am feeling really down right now though. from crap day at work. from attempting to 'own my failings and mistakes as a human being.' from the last year of therapy. from frustrations in my own lack of success. from frustration at that frustration. i know sucess is meaningless. i know that it won't make me happy, or fulfilled, or mean anything important to me at all. i just. wish i knew what i needed to do.

i am librarythinging to comfort myself. mostly from memory because i have the majority of my easy-to-catalogue books at my current house updated, and i am about 50% through my manual entries titles. so i am just trying to recall titles i have at my parents place. i feel a little embarrased by my vast wiccan collection... but i really should add that too. it's only fair. seriously, the level of peace i get from my virtual bookshelf is amusing. it calms me right down. and is easier to do than knit when my hands keep shaking.

i feel like a total fuck up right now. and i am working at mind-watching-the-mind as impartial observer.

oh well. at least my No Drinking thing is being strictly upheld, due to not wanting to touch my tentative sanity.