day two. update

list easy

1. feel like i have small worms crawling through my body. in waves. mainly towards my solar plexus. down over my eyes. the dizziness is dibilitating. lachlan is being very helpful and loving. i can't lie down, i can't sit up.

2. i keep shivering and sweating at the same time. i smell like hell. i am naked apart from a sheet that i pull up when i feel cold. i feel so strange.

3. my skin feels like it is not my own. if i wasn't mentally stable, i would be trying to cut the worm-y feeling out.

4. my heart speeds up then slows down then speeds up.

5. i shake.

6. still can't focus eyes properly.

7. my head moves around. i mean, i feel like 'i' am being moved around within my scull.

8. it's like a thick moving membrane is shifting over my body.

9. main comfort is comming from playing with librarything. i photographed a stack of books and loaded them into the server. oh i love organising and pettng my books.

i feel inhuman. where is the zip? where is the off switch. i want out.

but, at least am not depressed.
seriously, these fuckers are a last resort. if i wasn't suicidal, (almost) and unable to cope with getting up in the morning, and sleeping all day, and crying constantly, i would be regretting them so much. but i know they were an important part of my recovery. right now, i just wish i never had to deal with it all in the first place. and i wish i had been sent to cathie from the start, rather than chucked on higher and higher doses of effexor. god. like i said, i am glad i feel emotionally stable. because physically, i have NEVER felt anything like this. never. this is hellish.