feminism, not proust

the encyclopedia of australian feminism is the current reading material. he feels, now he is ball-less, that, like morrissey (who he seems to enjoy listening to) he should be spending his time in the women's section of the library. so he's starting on the encyclopedia. i dunno why, i recommended bell hooks's feminism is for everyone, but he insisted. i think it's because it sits open without needing to hold it. lazy little cunt.

female writers

i rarely smile in the self portraits i take, i've noticed. let's try and change this.
this is also an excellent way to make me write at least a line or so every day. i wonder why i don't smile. i smile a lot in real life. i guess, i look at the image on the screen, and i dislike how the smile mutates my skin and folds it around my mouth, my nose, and i feel self conscious about it. which is a little silly, because i try not to follow the beauty myth. i am also feeling more and more self conscious about my eyebrows. i've plucked them since i was 12, or so, when my best friend told me i had a monobrow. every so often, even now, a well meaning friend offers to do it, or instructs me on how much nicer my face would look with two slightly more distinct eyebrows, rather than a line of finer hair linking between them, and finer hair below them. the shape of them is still distinct, it's just not defined and preened. it's taken me 14 years to stop the habit of keeping them in the kind, socially confined ideas of how female eyebrows should look, and each time i study one of these pictures, i just want to take to them and make myself look 'better', before i slow down, and remember that this is just our socially conditioned notion of how i, as a woman, am supposed to look. i've come to think of my leg hair as attractive, and i love it, i love the way it feels, and how the air feels against it. i will not remove pubic hair. it's simple. underarm hair was my second most recent concession, but probably the easiest, because i think it's sexy as all hell on women. the warmth of it, the way sweat clings to it, the scent, i find lovely.

now it's just the damn eyebrows. i look at them merging between my eyes, and i want to think of it as poetic. i want to focus on the way the hair feels when i touch it, and how different it feels to how it has for the last 14 years. i remind myself that there is no substantial reason that it is less attractive than were i spending an arduous amount of time in front of a mirror, carefully removing each hair to submit my face to a more typical version of attractiveness. and, in the end, i don't tackle it, i leave them messy and merged, but still, i feel that little bit uglier still. i'm looking forward to celebrating them more, the acceptance of, no matter how small, i can play out the politics of identity, and consumption, and gender, with my own body.


while cooking dinner (a delightful pasta 'thing' my New Friend Fiona I Met Off Facebook told me how to make) i pondered something i often do. gender in writing. and how much it shits me when i realise male friends who consider themselves well read have read such a small number of women writers without realising this. i had one debate with a drunk kid (ok, i too was extremely intoxicated, and belligerent, as i tend to get when drunk and debating with people who assume i am stupid) who listed all these male philosophers, but could not name a SINGLE significant female one. i think i was using that as a proof of either his ignorance of feminism, or philosophy, or ... something, i dunno. but it's surprising how common it is - men who read, but only really read male writers. i know teen boys are like this, largely, from when i was working in abookstore - to generalise, they are more comfortable reading about boys, while girls will read about people regardless of gender. perhaps this is why girls tend to be better socialised, their lack of fear of gender transgression?

to be slightly simplistic it comes back to the fact, simple, that i can wear pants, and it's not transgressive. men, however, wearing skirts to work, with a gender identity of male, would have a larger problem. for me to be 'transgressive' through not wearing make-up, or plucking my eyebrows is a far less transgressive act than for a man to wear make-up and tidily, openly, pluck his eyebrows. does this make men freed from these stupid, idiotic beauty rituals that push women into time wasting, consumer, object based activities for hours, or simply deprived of choice? however, as i've mentioned in a blog-entry-long-ago, i don't think that feminism is about choice. that to me is bullshit. and i've explained why before.

i'm starting to readin dworkin's 'intercourse' - this book has particular interest to me for a lot of different reasons. one of which is the fact that i am, to a degree, a masochist, and a sub. and she critiques this solidly, and it makes me question my own desires in a really interesting, focused way. is this a way for me to avoid intimacy, to distance myself from a lover through pain and power play, detaching my own humanity from theirs in a desire to remain as seperate as possible in such intimacy? i tend to think that might have a lot to do with it. and insecurity maybe. it's making me question my own desires to the point of realizing that the desire only seperates me further from the act, and makes me more alone.
this doesn't make clear sense yet. will articulate more after dworkin.

happy sun mon.

my sunday and monday were both great days.
including - mistaking craft market day, but then having breakfast/lunch - stitch and bitch in ladyfest - talk on sexual desire - heading down to new farm park - lazy nap - lovely dinner - sleeping in - wandering from bardon to paddington, up hills, in the heat, but god it was good - finding a perfect gift for cousin nikhi and lachlan - buying myself some gloves - playing with beautiful kittens - bussing home - beautiful dinner.

today, though, has been classified by less-fun, including - boss in terribly shite mood - exceedingly hot - on edge/migrane-y all day - not hungry.

and, of far more importance, yet another sexual attack on a woman in the inner suburbs,this one two streets over from my house. in her own home. this is sick. this is so, so sick. it is repulsive the lack of ... ANYTHING visibly being done to prevent violence against women. you know, i should be free to walk home at night. everyone should be free to walk home at night without the threat of sexual violence. of any violence for that matter. now, i walk down the street, eyes over my shoulder, watching out for anyone behind me who looks... like they are walking slow, or are physically stronger than me. which, given my lack of physical strenght, is not helping me feel particulary at-ease. hey, i have boots. *sighs*

so i feel jittery, and want to go home and hide under blankets and knit. this is not going to happen because i have Work Drinks. really, hiding under blanket is unimaginably more appealing right now. plus, my silk yarn is waiting for me down at the post office. waiting only for me to get my lace knitting book to make happy-shawls all day and night.

oh, and fuck you, person who searched for 'teen oshin pornstar' and managed to find my blog. on a playstation no less. from spain. that is my first gross porn hit, so far.

what i find facinating is the number of people who look at my site after looking up 'sea silk shawls' . do you like my shawl, people? look, i even have an image of one a few entries ago! sea silk does make divine shawls, that's for sure.

i got two exquisite bone/ivory crochet hooks from an antique store, and drooled over this incredible lace making ... thing .... with bobbins and pins and wooden sticks with thread attached. it was $150. but oh so divine.

but gloves! i am the glove queen! i bought quite a few pairs, and they make me Very happy.

gaaaaawwwd. i want to go home and watch movies and knit. i still have a small bundle from bigpond trial thing sitting at home next to my bed. can't remember what they are, don't care what they are. mooovie.

oh, i saw 'god on our side' at the dendy as well on sunday. really great movie. i love denton's interview style in that film - a lot of people seemed critical about it, due to the fact he doesn't attack or interogate their beliefs, but, god, trying to do that would have been useless - it would have merely alienated the people he was talking to. he made them the focus of the documentry, which was far more interesting.

at least i get my new yarn tomorrow.

doldrums

read a book today that made me feel ill with sadness, and so so angry at the media, at the australian federal police, at the legal system over two countries, and for all the people in the world who are unjustly imprisoned for crimes they did not commit. miscarriages of justice makes me feel sick. people judging people and familys based on unusual names and socieoeconomic status makes me angry. the fact i can't even blog about this infuriates me, because i would be vulturised like everyone else in my family has been. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. no one should watch those 'current affairs' programmes, or read a WORD of bullshit in any australia newspaper. it's bullshit, and i feel so repulsed about a horrible horrible event happening to someone close to me becoming national entertainment. i feel sick and so angry every time people feel the need to tell me what 'they' think happened.
you know, i don't care what you think happened. you don't fucking know. so shut up.

i've had a whole spectrum of responses to it. you know, one of the most moving was from someone i wasn't friends with at the time. in fact, there is a solid skin of mutual dislike seperating us. she responded with 'oh god, i had totally forgotten about it. oh god, i am sorry, that sounds terrible. i am so sorry about it all.'
that meant so much to me. so so so much. no arrogant snort at my family. no laughing in my face about it. no immediate conspiracy theory. why is it that someone who doesn't like me managed to be nicer to me about it than friends?
(i am going to choose to negate the corrosponding email the following day from said person's partner regarding a book i had mentioned to someone else. i still feel confused by this response.)

saw fourcolour last night, at room40. i wouldn't have minded seeing some of the sound polaroids, but, well. i am trying to save money. we were on the Verge of going to 'because of ghosts,' but lachlan forgot his ID, so our decision was made for us. it was interesting. i was, however, really sleepy. so it was hard to stay awake. ergo hard for me to say anything interesting/uninteresting about it, other than... 'me sleepy. swooshy guitar sounds. mmmmmsleepy'. lachlan loved it. we didn't stay for the second act. i just heard from someone that 'because of ghosts' were terrible, so i feel a little better.

we met up with the utterly divine pair from 'rialto decibel choir' for coffee- without having coffee. A & J are utterly deeeelightyful.

re-reading 'beauty and misogyny.' maybe it should be re-re-reading. it is one of my favourite books, and an amazingly important feminist book. i am really really glad i bought it. she articulates how i feel about so many issues so neatly, so clearly. i especially liked the section on cosmetics and high heels.
the basic response to people wearing makeup is so often 'but i wear it because it makes ME feel good about myself.' that is so so sad, that our society is structured and women are impailed into thinking that you will feel better about yourself when your skin is masked with potential carcinogens. that you will feel 'more feminine' by conforming to a strict, inflexible notion of how skin is suppose to look, and how women are suppose to look.
and what is most interesting, is how the pornstitution culture is what initially, all those years ago, pushed cosmetics out of the brothel and into the homes of every 'real' woman.

i use to love makeup. i still like powders and colours and small containers. so i play with lachlans pigments.

and, in other news, i feel sort of lame for being sucked in by my porntroll. i got a feminist troll. how goddamn funny is that. i have never, ever seen a feminist troll before. usually trolls are stupid morons who like to rant misogynisically away on blogs. anti-porn trolling is just... utterly bizarre.
lesson for the week. don't feed the trolls.

future bible hero search

hot damn, why don't they have any future bible hero's cds in brisbane? i obviously couldn't get one if they did... (saving money, getting books of hold shelf at work before buying anything else apart from those really great cheap dresses from hopscotch...)

what is With the burlesque thing in brisbane at the moment? it's the new pole-dancing. there is even brisbane's first burlesque bar in the valley mall.... which looks creepy, if my opinion is required of this. personlly, the whole thing leaves me with a foul taste in my mouth. it's just rebranding stripping for the kids, wrapping it in corsets and ribbons and... actually, keeping it pretty much the same as stripping, now that i think about it. maybe a little less clothes removal. not that i can bet the farm on that, as i would really rather not spend my precious spare time watching burlesque performances.

and now, i want to rant about the whole, stupid 'choice' debate in feminism. for some reason, people seem to think that if a woman choses to do something, of her own free will, it therefore becomes a 'feminist' choice. that is so obsurd. feminism is not about 'women having freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want.' it's about gender equality, about genitals not defining your social situation, or who you are. about freedom from patriarchy for men, women, children, girls and boys, and intersex people. it's not about saying ' i wear heals because i want to!'. - i mean, wear heels, fine. just don't say you are doing it for feminist reasons. you are wearing gender described clothing, aimed at situating you and your thighs clearly as objects. it's a piece of footwear designed not at comfort, or practicality, or health, but at sexualizing and objectification. so, wear your shoes. just don't call it a feminist decision.
same for cosmetics. and this is comming from someone who has, on and off for the last few years, struggled with wearing make-up. yes, there is a performative element to wearing cosmetics. but does that outweigh the issues with animal testing, carcinogens, and so on?

yeah.

i want to go to the feminist discussion group. i am debating if this is a good idea or not. hm. this one is on porn, which is one of my least favourite debate points in feminism, because it is So Damn Tired. the same few lines of logic keep getting vomited around in circles, getting nowhere. it's a point which i understand feeling strongly, and angry about, but i am sick of seeing coherant debates scatter into baseless namecalling. or semiotics. this one is personal though. anywho, i have a clear and boring stance of 'i don't like porn, i think it is by its nature opressive to women, but there are bigger issues out there.' like the global sex trade and prostitution. porn and prostitution are in a similar field, but the impact of porn on a porn worker, verses the sex trade on a young girl or boy sold to be raped by men in an asian country seems barely comparible. if we are talking about choice, let's start by dealing with the cases where there is no ambiguity, such as with minors or the mentally disabled.

oh, and what about sweatshop labour? mostly a female industry, women oppressed by big buisness. and cosmetics, grooming girls from a young age to the necessity of shaving, preening, grooming, plucking and smearing in order to look like a woman is suppose to. and clothing. all these things impact directly, constantly, and heavier on more women on a day to day basis then pornography.

in other news, i am knitting those great little bracelets out of last knitty. out of spare lacewieght. and i am wearing my New Special Hat.