saturday oh saturday

...at home. at my own home for a rare change. my free wireless is more reliable but slightly slower than lachlan's is. we are investigating getting a legitimate internet connection some time soon. soonish.

the only issue being the contract. i want to move. big move. over the ocean move. like, japan move. we can teach english there. we have the qualifications. the only thing stopping us is money. well, the only thing stopping me is money. the only thing stopping lachlan is nerves. so i give it a year. one more lease renewal on l's part, and we will be off. beyond the sea. or at least, i want to move to melbourne. i want out of brisbane. there are too many hungry ghosts for me.

i'm so tired of my stupid brain right now. god.

.....................

i conjour forth an image:



or a sound:

ornate music, gentle ornate, not overly complex or threatening, but beautiful, gentle ornate simplicity. its rhythm is impossible to reproduce in words, so i'll not try. i sit in -the room- as the music washes over me, drifts soaks tiptoes over me, say like snowfall falling into eyelashes, melting softly. the melting replicates teardrops. i feel it echo out of a guitar which, strangely resembles top-deck chocolate - white and brown.

the music is underpinned by a drone, that grows stronger and heavier, over the exquisite melody. the drone blankets over the notes, and solidifies the sound. the melody is dead. the melody is nothing now, not even flittering softly over the drone that fills the room. not that the drone is without beauty. but it's one that lies over me and tries to cover my mouth and eyes. it's like a fog, that obscures my vision. it's like a fog that obscures the melody. but i can't tell if the melody is playing anymore. i have no idea, because all i hear is the drone.

i don't know what is going on right now. i feel.
i never said how beautiful the melodies were. i never said how sacred and special and perfect. and now, the drone is too loud to even speak.


.....................


late dinner post anime. the problem with the programme at GOMA is that two sessions of shorts is slightly overwhelming. it's hard to enjoy, or absorb what is going on when you have so much mental stimulation.

late dinner was excellent. lachlan is an angel cook. i feel so tired.

i went to sleep listening to sigur ros, ()

i woke up and read the first half of 'wherever you go, there you are' again. i re-vamp my meditation practice. i reinvigorate my mindfullness practice. it has fallen by the wayside, and i am making the stupid mistake of assuming my mind and heart are out of my control.