tired and angsty

the angst is simply a result of being so exhausted i fee like i could sleep for the rest of my life. this makes me vulnerable to the voices in my head.

the pathetic lame thing is that i do have voices in my head. i intellectually know they are me, and i know how to deal with it, don't worry. but the more exhausted i get, the more the voice, that feels disembodied and seperate from my mis-labelled 'thing' i call soul, likes to just holler abuse. it's usually along the lines of 'you are pathetic. pathetic. nothing. fuck, just fucking shut up. you are utterly useless.' i've learned after shitloads of therapy not to get into a mental debate with the voice, but to just let it rant, and watch it and not take it on board. accept that this is how i feel about myself. don't argue with it, because that gives me the idea that it's something external to me, and thus starting a fun fun path to disasociative identity disorder. i just need to not get into fights, let the part of me that's angry have a cry, listen to it, and then gently say it's wrong, and that i'm fucking great.

i get really, really fucking sick of having to have this talk with myself. honestly, yeah, it's no big deal, i can manage the voices in my head fine most of the time. but when i'm tired and sick and homesick, it's that much harder.
too sleepy to write more.

i've made a lot of mistakes....

i've got a CD in my computer that i am listening to on repeat... it's beautiful. i love marking time with music.

i have a very sore throat... raw raw raw...

hand knit alpaca scarf around neck.

i got an email from alex, the artist who's work i adore so much, who i went on a magical mystical journey with last week.... or the week before? we talk about how we love the kodak beach in southbank. i like doing that a lot.

too much drinking again, my tolerance is actually growing. i drank spirits for hours last night, and i have No hangover. none. i did drink water and eat chips. i feel like i am going through a second undergraduate degree. only, this time, with the drinking and stupidity and fun and silliness. i want to do this too. i am loving it. seriously.

i still have the most profound sadness when i think of L. so much so that i feel like i'll cry like my heart is breaking. just because. there is so much there. my heart is very full of him. i love him very much. but. i don't regret that we aren't together, i feel like... he'll grow more now, and i will, and yeah. it's good. just really, really sad.

i'm spending time with friends. a lot. as much as possible, actually. it's good.
i'm trying to fill my life with them for a bit, because a. i love them, and b. i feel better when i am with them.

i lent a book to someone i barely know. this is a Big Deal for me. i feel like making friends with some more strangers soon.