the angst is simply a result of being so exhausted i fee like i could sleep for the rest of my life. this makes me vulnerable to the voices in my head.
the pathetic lame thing is that i do have voices in my head. i intellectually know they are me, and i know how to deal with it, don't worry. but the more exhausted i get, the more the voice, that feels disembodied and seperate from my mis-labelled 'thing' i call soul, likes to just holler abuse. it's usually along the lines of 'you are pathetic. pathetic. nothing. fuck, just fucking shut up. you are utterly useless.' i've learned after shitloads of therapy not to get into a mental debate with the voice, but to just let it rant, and watch it and not take it on board. accept that this is how i feel about myself. don't argue with it, because that gives me the idea that it's something external to me, and thus starting a fun fun path to disasociative identity disorder. i just need to not get into fights, let the part of me that's angry have a cry, listen to it, and then gently say it's wrong, and that i'm fucking great.
i get really, really fucking sick of having to have this talk with myself. honestly, yeah, it's no big deal, i can manage the voices in my head fine most of the time. but when i'm tired and sick and homesick, it's that much harder.
too sleepy to write more.
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