yes. i went, and splurged on books. this was a good feeling.
today, and continually, i am working on what i am calling the 'soft spot.' finding what is behind the anger and sadness and stuff i raise up in reaction to stuff. being gentle with self, soft with self. quiet with self.
in order to help this, i joined a video store and got out a lesbian teen movie. and goodbye lenin.
i saw 'little miss sunshine' and i laughed and laughed and laughed.
and i am going to make some Goals.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
i'm not frowning i'm just smiling upside down
* new gothic archies CD. very happy-face. my relationship with the lemony snicket seriese of unfortunate events has been complex and eventful, but my relationship with the music of stephen merritt has been nothing but bliss, ever since anarchist dave first lead me to 69 love songs. i feel deeply delighed by the cd, and now, my mission to gain a 'future bible hero's' CD is to begin.
* reading joyce carol oats, as i wanted her to win the nobel, as she was one of the few women thought close to it. 'black girl white girl.' it has made my heard feel solid and rock-like. it's an incredible book. but it makes me feel like shite. i want to finish it, both to see how the girl dies and so it will be over. but it's wonderful. don't let my words put you off it.
* i am also reading pema chodron's 'start where you are' and attempting to work though and hold my feelings with gentleness and to 'find that soft spot behind the armour.' to cradle emotions with loving-kindness, to make friends with my feelings. my main aim at the moment is 'purifying negative actions,' - learning to own my feelings of regret and transgression. think about it. sometimes, it's terribly, terribly hard to own your mistakes. and then, when you do, to know what to do with that ownership. my last attempt at owning my mistakes, fully, ended in a catapulting into another series of regrets. when my attempt to make ammends for being a TOTAL Shithead were rebulked, in a way i interpreted as Severely Cruel, rather than just holding my feelings of pain, and wounding, and seeking to understand and reflect, and return with kindness, i hit back as sharply as i could, as hard as i could, and for as long as i could. i used language as my weapon, back slashing into more and more regrets, saying things i barely could have meant as a way of whipping myself out of the hurt, of building armour away from that soft vulnerable part. this, unsurprisingly, leads to more and more regrets.
now i have this deep hole of regret, of stupidity, of overt cruelty, to people who no longer exist, and no longer existed when i ranted to friends about my percieved injustice. i mean, in seven years, we don't have one single cell in our body that is the same as it was seven years ago. not one. and, the only part of ourselves linking us to the past actions we performed is memories we construct, and those contructed by others. this is why any sort of deep sense of injury by any person, from the past is pointless. their self has moved on.
i like to follow the thinking that we are all buddha, and it is only our ignorance that gets in the way of our seeing that. i am not sure if i agree, or think that is true, or even fully understand what that means yet. but, it helps me move through this.
i guess, the point is, to feel the regret, irrespective of what happened, and to understand what i am holding here. what is it that still feels like a knife sometimes? what sort of deep betrayal did this bring up? because it's not about them. i know that. god, i know that. so why is it the receptical of my blame? i need to sit and feel what it is i feel. i need to touch those emotions and gently hold them, sit with them.
and understand if i can make emends. or if there is a point.
i mean, what DO you do when you hurt someone deeply? how do you properly apologise? what can you do? it's long past a point of doing it to 'make myself feel better,' - it's clear that the making myself feel better would come from a deeper point than any words i could say to the people i hurt. but that just sounds like hypocricsy. especially because, as people, despite all the regrets i have, i don't have any fond feelings for them. i have fond feelings for our shared past, of what happened, but my perspective of what got us where we are today leaves a bitter taste in my mouth for their side as well. but it's not about 'liking' someone. it's about an understanding of their humanity, of their 'softness,' of their deep, solid existance as sentient beings, and my act of violation of that humanity through my actions. how do you make up for that? how do you make up for an act of cruelty, of uncalled for, pathetic, low, violation? for this action against a buddha? or the child that they once were? the elder they might one day be? the vulnerable that they have been? the gentle person that they are at times? for all the passing 'badness' there is just as much goodness there, no matter who it is aimed at. and god, it doesn't deserve to be aimed at me.
(nb. i did not actually do anything physically violent here. i was just really goddamn nasty to two people who once were the two people i cared most about in the world. the injury i percieved was inflicted on me needed an equal set of backstabbing on mine. this was deeply stupid, cruel, and pathetic of me. and it, obviously, did nothing. no ones oppinions of them were changed. i am sure some people lost respect for me over my behaviour, as they rightly should have.)
this is not about bashing myself up. i am trying to look at how i feel, and what i need to to in order to move on. this is all in the distant past. we are talking almost 3 years now. longer than i was friends with her. almost as long as i knew him. and yet, i keep picking at the scab. i think what remains is completely removed from any individual events. these are people i haven't spoken to in a few years. i just have a profound shame, and revulsion at myself. deep deep disgust at my pettiness, and stupid behaviour. i have no desire to make an excuse for it; i want to own it and hold this feeling. that is my biggest hardship right now; learning to hold and feel this revulsion at my actions without self-flagulating and hating myself; because that is totally against the point as well. and from that, making emends, and healing, and continuing. i am focusing on metta towards them. i am watching my thoughts. not stopping them, but watching them. and metta. deep, gutfelt understanding of every single sentient being's noble pursuit of happiness.
bah. i sound like a wanker.
i am a Very Little Buddhist. tiny. i like to think of kwan yin benevolently sitting beside me, patient, smiling gently. i am like an infant, taking baby steps awkwardly, running into furniture and crying for attention.
* reading joyce carol oats, as i wanted her to win the nobel, as she was one of the few women thought close to it. 'black girl white girl.' it has made my heard feel solid and rock-like. it's an incredible book. but it makes me feel like shite. i want to finish it, both to see how the girl dies and so it will be over. but it's wonderful. don't let my words put you off it.
* i am also reading pema chodron's 'start where you are' and attempting to work though and hold my feelings with gentleness and to 'find that soft spot behind the armour.' to cradle emotions with loving-kindness, to make friends with my feelings. my main aim at the moment is 'purifying negative actions,' - learning to own my feelings of regret and transgression. think about it. sometimes, it's terribly, terribly hard to own your mistakes. and then, when you do, to know what to do with that ownership. my last attempt at owning my mistakes, fully, ended in a catapulting into another series of regrets. when my attempt to make ammends for being a TOTAL Shithead were rebulked, in a way i interpreted as Severely Cruel, rather than just holding my feelings of pain, and wounding, and seeking to understand and reflect, and return with kindness, i hit back as sharply as i could, as hard as i could, and for as long as i could. i used language as my weapon, back slashing into more and more regrets, saying things i barely could have meant as a way of whipping myself out of the hurt, of building armour away from that soft vulnerable part. this, unsurprisingly, leads to more and more regrets.
now i have this deep hole of regret, of stupidity, of overt cruelty, to people who no longer exist, and no longer existed when i ranted to friends about my percieved injustice. i mean, in seven years, we don't have one single cell in our body that is the same as it was seven years ago. not one. and, the only part of ourselves linking us to the past actions we performed is memories we construct, and those contructed by others. this is why any sort of deep sense of injury by any person, from the past is pointless. their self has moved on.
i like to follow the thinking that we are all buddha, and it is only our ignorance that gets in the way of our seeing that. i am not sure if i agree, or think that is true, or even fully understand what that means yet. but, it helps me move through this.
i guess, the point is, to feel the regret, irrespective of what happened, and to understand what i am holding here. what is it that still feels like a knife sometimes? what sort of deep betrayal did this bring up? because it's not about them. i know that. god, i know that. so why is it the receptical of my blame? i need to sit and feel what it is i feel. i need to touch those emotions and gently hold them, sit with them.
and understand if i can make emends. or if there is a point.
i mean, what DO you do when you hurt someone deeply? how do you properly apologise? what can you do? it's long past a point of doing it to 'make myself feel better,' - it's clear that the making myself feel better would come from a deeper point than any words i could say to the people i hurt. but that just sounds like hypocricsy. especially because, as people, despite all the regrets i have, i don't have any fond feelings for them. i have fond feelings for our shared past, of what happened, but my perspective of what got us where we are today leaves a bitter taste in my mouth for their side as well. but it's not about 'liking' someone. it's about an understanding of their humanity, of their 'softness,' of their deep, solid existance as sentient beings, and my act of violation of that humanity through my actions. how do you make up for that? how do you make up for an act of cruelty, of uncalled for, pathetic, low, violation? for this action against a buddha? or the child that they once were? the elder they might one day be? the vulnerable that they have been? the gentle person that they are at times? for all the passing 'badness' there is just as much goodness there, no matter who it is aimed at. and god, it doesn't deserve to be aimed at me.
(nb. i did not actually do anything physically violent here. i was just really goddamn nasty to two people who once were the two people i cared most about in the world. the injury i percieved was inflicted on me needed an equal set of backstabbing on mine. this was deeply stupid, cruel, and pathetic of me. and it, obviously, did nothing. no ones oppinions of them were changed. i am sure some people lost respect for me over my behaviour, as they rightly should have.)
this is not about bashing myself up. i am trying to look at how i feel, and what i need to to in order to move on. this is all in the distant past. we are talking almost 3 years now. longer than i was friends with her. almost as long as i knew him. and yet, i keep picking at the scab. i think what remains is completely removed from any individual events. these are people i haven't spoken to in a few years. i just have a profound shame, and revulsion at myself. deep deep disgust at my pettiness, and stupid behaviour. i have no desire to make an excuse for it; i want to own it and hold this feeling. that is my biggest hardship right now; learning to hold and feel this revulsion at my actions without self-flagulating and hating myself; because that is totally against the point as well. and from that, making emends, and healing, and continuing. i am focusing on metta towards them. i am watching my thoughts. not stopping them, but watching them. and metta. deep, gutfelt understanding of every single sentient being's noble pursuit of happiness.
bah. i sound like a wanker.
i am a Very Little Buddhist. tiny. i like to think of kwan yin benevolently sitting beside me, patient, smiling gently. i am like an infant, taking baby steps awkwardly, running into furniture and crying for attention.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
degenerating to letter writing to the newspaper
yes, i am a sad, pathetic person. there was an article in the sunday mail ( a really shitty brisbane newspaper) that enraged me to the point of writing a letter. i feel dirty. and wrong. and stinky! (ok, i don't actually feel stinky.)
but, it was a really sick article. the article is here.
and my letter is 110. yes. i'm sorry, but just because some little brat doesn't like gays, doesn't justify front page news. it's repulsive. what about the gay 13 year olds? how the fuck would they feel?
in much much much better news, i have a new Favourite Move Ever.
it is called "the cave of the yellow dog', and everyone, in the whole world, ever, should see it. it was just so beautiful, a documentry with a thin thread of a story running through it, gently acted by the people living in mongolia. i really can't say much more about it, only that it easily my new best friend.
and that knitted bracelet? Third time, still fucking it up. poopies.
but, it was a really sick article. the article is here.
and my letter is 110. yes. i'm sorry, but just because some little brat doesn't like gays, doesn't justify front page news. it's repulsive. what about the gay 13 year olds? how the fuck would they feel?
in much much much better news, i have a new Favourite Move Ever.
it is called "the cave of the yellow dog', and everyone, in the whole world, ever, should see it. it was just so beautiful, a documentry with a thin thread of a story running through it, gently acted by the people living in mongolia. i really can't say much more about it, only that it easily my new best friend.
and that knitted bracelet? Third time, still fucking it up. poopies.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
future bible hero search
hot damn, why don't they have any future bible hero's cds in brisbane? i obviously couldn't get one if they did... (saving money, getting books of hold shelf at work before buying anything else apart from those really great cheap dresses from hopscotch...)
what is With the burlesque thing in brisbane at the moment? it's the new pole-dancing. there is even brisbane's first burlesque bar in the valley mall.... which looks creepy, if my opinion is required of this. personlly, the whole thing leaves me with a foul taste in my mouth. it's just rebranding stripping for the kids, wrapping it in corsets and ribbons and... actually, keeping it pretty much the same as stripping, now that i think about it. maybe a little less clothes removal. not that i can bet the farm on that, as i would really rather not spend my precious spare time watching burlesque performances.
and now, i want to rant about the whole, stupid 'choice' debate in feminism. for some reason, people seem to think that if a woman choses to do something, of her own free will, it therefore becomes a 'feminist' choice. that is so obsurd. feminism is not about 'women having freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want.' it's about gender equality, about genitals not defining your social situation, or who you are. about freedom from patriarchy for men, women, children, girls and boys, and intersex people. it's not about saying ' i wear heals because i want to!'. - i mean, wear heels, fine. just don't say you are doing it for feminist reasons. you are wearing gender described clothing, aimed at situating you and your thighs clearly as objects. it's a piece of footwear designed not at comfort, or practicality, or health, but at sexualizing and objectification. so, wear your shoes. just don't call it a feminist decision.
same for cosmetics. and this is comming from someone who has, on and off for the last few years, struggled with wearing make-up. yes, there is a performative element to wearing cosmetics. but does that outweigh the issues with animal testing, carcinogens, and so on?
yeah.
i want to go to the feminist discussion group. i am debating if this is a good idea or not. hm. this one is on porn, which is one of my least favourite debate points in feminism, because it is So Damn Tired. the same few lines of logic keep getting vomited around in circles, getting nowhere. it's a point which i understand feeling strongly, and angry about, but i am sick of seeing coherant debates scatter into baseless namecalling. or semiotics. this one is personal though. anywho, i have a clear and boring stance of 'i don't like porn, i think it is by its nature opressive to women, but there are bigger issues out there.' like the global sex trade and prostitution. porn and prostitution are in a similar field, but the impact of porn on a porn worker, verses the sex trade on a young girl or boy sold to be raped by men in an asian country seems barely comparible. if we are talking about choice, let's start by dealing with the cases where there is no ambiguity, such as with minors or the mentally disabled.
oh, and what about sweatshop labour? mostly a female industry, women oppressed by big buisness. and cosmetics, grooming girls from a young age to the necessity of shaving, preening, grooming, plucking and smearing in order to look like a woman is suppose to. and clothing. all these things impact directly, constantly, and heavier on more women on a day to day basis then pornography.
in other news, i am knitting those great little bracelets out of last knitty. out of spare lacewieght. and i am wearing my New Special Hat.
what is With the burlesque thing in brisbane at the moment? it's the new pole-dancing. there is even brisbane's first burlesque bar in the valley mall.... which looks creepy, if my opinion is required of this. personlly, the whole thing leaves me with a foul taste in my mouth. it's just rebranding stripping for the kids, wrapping it in corsets and ribbons and... actually, keeping it pretty much the same as stripping, now that i think about it. maybe a little less clothes removal. not that i can bet the farm on that, as i would really rather not spend my precious spare time watching burlesque performances.
and now, i want to rant about the whole, stupid 'choice' debate in feminism. for some reason, people seem to think that if a woman choses to do something, of her own free will, it therefore becomes a 'feminist' choice. that is so obsurd. feminism is not about 'women having freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want.' it's about gender equality, about genitals not defining your social situation, or who you are. about freedom from patriarchy for men, women, children, girls and boys, and intersex people. it's not about saying ' i wear heals because i want to!'. - i mean, wear heels, fine. just don't say you are doing it for feminist reasons. you are wearing gender described clothing, aimed at situating you and your thighs clearly as objects. it's a piece of footwear designed not at comfort, or practicality, or health, but at sexualizing and objectification. so, wear your shoes. just don't call it a feminist decision.
same for cosmetics. and this is comming from someone who has, on and off for the last few years, struggled with wearing make-up. yes, there is a performative element to wearing cosmetics. but does that outweigh the issues with animal testing, carcinogens, and so on?
yeah.
i want to go to the feminist discussion group. i am debating if this is a good idea or not. hm. this one is on porn, which is one of my least favourite debate points in feminism, because it is So Damn Tired. the same few lines of logic keep getting vomited around in circles, getting nowhere. it's a point which i understand feeling strongly, and angry about, but i am sick of seeing coherant debates scatter into baseless namecalling. or semiotics. this one is personal though. anywho, i have a clear and boring stance of 'i don't like porn, i think it is by its nature opressive to women, but there are bigger issues out there.' like the global sex trade and prostitution. porn and prostitution are in a similar field, but the impact of porn on a porn worker, verses the sex trade on a young girl or boy sold to be raped by men in an asian country seems barely comparible. if we are talking about choice, let's start by dealing with the cases where there is no ambiguity, such as with minors or the mentally disabled.
oh, and what about sweatshop labour? mostly a female industry, women oppressed by big buisness. and cosmetics, grooming girls from a young age to the necessity of shaving, preening, grooming, plucking and smearing in order to look like a woman is suppose to. and clothing. all these things impact directly, constantly, and heavier on more women on a day to day basis then pornography.
in other news, i am knitting those great little bracelets out of last knitty. out of spare lacewieght. and i am wearing my New Special Hat.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
back from england
mum and dad visted, with gifts and photos from abroad.
i got the most divine little hat made out of mohair! it makes me very happy. mum bought back a little yarn from the blarney woolen mills for me to touch, just to see how coarse it is- it feels like hair! so different from our yarn, and so much thicker. i love the feel of merino - ineed to try and get some more accurate research on the ethics of it.
my librarythinging is continuing along merrily. and, so is my decision to go and do my masters next year in library science. i mean, i love libraries, i Love them. i love them more than art galleries, i love them more than bookstores... well,... not quite more than bookstores, but there is not a great deal of freedom in working for a bookstore - there is so much hirarchy, and i really don't feel like studying buisness. my ultimate dream is for R and M to want a hobby bookstore to retire with, and set me up as manager with free range to stock whatever i want, with a significant internet ordering system as well. **swooooons** how great would that be.
anyhow, it's not going to happen just yet. and, last time i applied for gallery jobs me and my other graduate buddies were so dissillusioned that we didn't bother re-applying. poopies. i got in, what, the top 98th percentile of their goddamn test with no interview, and lachlan got in the top 94th? we stand around making sure kids don't eat the artwork. god. what more could you do. but, i am going to try and talk to peter from the gallery store. his passion for Old Boss at Bookstore would be enough for him to give me a go. --'you were trained by A--? here, take a job! now!" well, that is how it goes in my mind.
yes. mean time, though, i really want to get Everything Sorted. 4 months til end of lease, and lachlan and i really are tired of waiting... we want a house together, to love and hug and call our own. and a goldfish. four months!
yay! we will call it
'timmy the second and better' as it will be vastly superior to the sad house in highgate hill.
but it's ok, you know, i am getting things together. i am trying to learn what i want, and where i want to go, and to learn how to be ... less shit. i guess.
i'm pretty happy collecting my random skills at the moment. i feel ecclectic and amused by how many random things i am getting trained in. and, the more i think about it, the more i realise i want to work in libraries. and still make art, yes, and maybe even just make art one day, or work part time and art the rest of the time. (art as verb. hm. yes. no.) but. organising books makes me delighted. the last few days, where i have just felt desperately horrible, and the level of comfort i have gained from my librarything has really made me realise that libraries are where i belong. happily cataloguing and ordering and liase-ing (sp?) away.
i got the most divine little hat made out of mohair! it makes me very happy. mum bought back a little yarn from the blarney woolen mills for me to touch, just to see how coarse it is- it feels like hair! so different from our yarn, and so much thicker. i love the feel of merino - ineed to try and get some more accurate research on the ethics of it.
my librarythinging is continuing along merrily. and, so is my decision to go and do my masters next year in library science. i mean, i love libraries, i Love them. i love them more than art galleries, i love them more than bookstores... well,... not quite more than bookstores, but there is not a great deal of freedom in working for a bookstore - there is so much hirarchy, and i really don't feel like studying buisness. my ultimate dream is for R and M to want a hobby bookstore to retire with, and set me up as manager with free range to stock whatever i want, with a significant internet ordering system as well. **swooooons** how great would that be.
anyhow, it's not going to happen just yet. and, last time i applied for gallery jobs me and my other graduate buddies were so dissillusioned that we didn't bother re-applying. poopies. i got in, what, the top 98th percentile of their goddamn test with no interview, and lachlan got in the top 94th? we stand around making sure kids don't eat the artwork. god. what more could you do. but, i am going to try and talk to peter from the gallery store. his passion for Old Boss at Bookstore would be enough for him to give me a go. --'you were trained by A--? here, take a job! now!" well, that is how it goes in my mind.
yes. mean time, though, i really want to get Everything Sorted. 4 months til end of lease, and lachlan and i really are tired of waiting... we want a house together, to love and hug and call our own. and a goldfish. four months!
yay! we will call it
'timmy the second and better' as it will be vastly superior to the sad house in highgate hill.
but it's ok, you know, i am getting things together. i am trying to learn what i want, and where i want to go, and to learn how to be ... less shit. i guess.
i'm pretty happy collecting my random skills at the moment. i feel ecclectic and amused by how many random things i am getting trained in. and, the more i think about it, the more i realise i want to work in libraries. and still make art, yes, and maybe even just make art one day, or work part time and art the rest of the time. (art as verb. hm. yes. no.) but. organising books makes me delighted. the last few days, where i have just felt desperately horrible, and the level of comfort i have gained from my librarything has really made me realise that libraries are where i belong. happily cataloguing and ordering and liase-ing (sp?) away.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
skists and yet more librarythinging.
just back from skist, who were delightful. l and i also realised that we are Very silly for forgetting to invite greg, who will love them very much. greg, remind us to remind you, ok :).
the first guy on was this incredibly teutonic german playing saxaphone. well, creating incredible soundscapes with it, not through any sort of traditional composition or use of the sax. his control over the high tones, and the way they made beautiful sound waves around the room was just lovely. and incredible. as a crappy, ex-clarinet player, i know how hard it is to make a squeak (high pitched tone) sound like that, and modulate like that.
skists though, were just beautiful. i love drums and rhythms, and the fact they used a vibrator to make sounds amused me, and interested me also, and very cute bells.
in other news, this whole 'not taking anti'depressants stage is over. i like them. they make me sane. being sane is my friend. i spend about two hours last night curled up crying my guts out and wanting to die. about 2 hours after giving in and taking the pill, the overwhelming profound agony dissipated, i looked up at lachlan from red, puffy tearstained eyes, and said 'yep, fine now... can you pass my sheepy bag? i want to sew up that cotton shirt i was knitting in autumn...' yes.
and you know what else exciting happened??? i got my first period in 10 months!! whoot! i think it is because there is a full mooon, but talk about amusing timing. not only was i not on the antidepressants for the first time in TWO YEARS, but it was my first period that was not regulated by the pill since i was 16. hehe. yes. funny timing.
in other news, i am having an amazing online corrospondence with a man who aimed to translate the 80 remaining palm-of-the-hands stories. that is so cool. not only that, he is a Grown Up Buddhist. i really want more dialogue about buddhism, in order to be a better one. a proper, precept-taken one. rather than a half-hearted and fairly ignorant one. still, learning process. so i am more a BIT. (buddhist in training.) oh ho ho ho, i am funny.
and, i am ALSO doing some bar work at fireworks gallery, and having a meeting with Transit Lounge dude. ahoy there, knitted squares! soon you shall be Shared with the world. yippi! and, murikami, haruki, not the Other murikami, is shortlisted for the nobel this year! yay! third japanese winner... no, second, right? yes. no, maybe third. er... still. go him! i will read norwegian wood very soon in celebration of his nomination.
period pain never felt so good! it feels like 'i am not going crazy but am both premenstral and off my sane pills!!' and, work tomorrow. oh!
to the person who keeps calling, and hanging up - stop it. you are stupid. say 'wrong number', alright! it's RUDE to just hang up. and either Everyone is getting the number wrong, or some lame-o likes to do it a lot. pht.
i love my knitty friends. seriously... y'all mean so much to me.
knittygrouphug!!!
the first guy on was this incredibly teutonic german playing saxaphone. well, creating incredible soundscapes with it, not through any sort of traditional composition or use of the sax. his control over the high tones, and the way they made beautiful sound waves around the room was just lovely. and incredible. as a crappy, ex-clarinet player, i know how hard it is to make a squeak (high pitched tone) sound like that, and modulate like that.
skists though, were just beautiful. i love drums and rhythms, and the fact they used a vibrator to make sounds amused me, and interested me also, and very cute bells.
in other news, this whole 'not taking anti'depressants stage is over. i like them. they make me sane. being sane is my friend. i spend about two hours last night curled up crying my guts out and wanting to die. about 2 hours after giving in and taking the pill, the overwhelming profound agony dissipated, i looked up at lachlan from red, puffy tearstained eyes, and said 'yep, fine now... can you pass my sheepy bag? i want to sew up that cotton shirt i was knitting in autumn...' yes.
and you know what else exciting happened??? i got my first period in 10 months!! whoot! i think it is because there is a full mooon, but talk about amusing timing. not only was i not on the antidepressants for the first time in TWO YEARS, but it was my first period that was not regulated by the pill since i was 16. hehe. yes. funny timing.
in other news, i am having an amazing online corrospondence with a man who aimed to translate the 80 remaining palm-of-the-hands stories. that is so cool. not only that, he is a Grown Up Buddhist. i really want more dialogue about buddhism, in order to be a better one. a proper, precept-taken one. rather than a half-hearted and fairly ignorant one. still, learning process. so i am more a BIT. (buddhist in training.) oh ho ho ho, i am funny.
and, i am ALSO doing some bar work at fireworks gallery, and having a meeting with Transit Lounge dude. ahoy there, knitted squares! soon you shall be Shared with the world. yippi! and, murikami, haruki, not the Other murikami, is shortlisted for the nobel this year! yay! third japanese winner... no, second, right? yes. no, maybe third. er... still. go him! i will read norwegian wood very soon in celebration of his nomination.
period pain never felt so good! it feels like 'i am not going crazy but am both premenstral and off my sane pills!!' and, work tomorrow. oh!
to the person who keeps calling, and hanging up - stop it. you are stupid. say 'wrong number', alright! it's RUDE to just hang up. and either Everyone is getting the number wrong, or some lame-o likes to do it a lot. pht.
i love my knitty friends. seriously... y'all mean so much to me.
knittygrouphug!!!
Friday, October 06, 2006
things that i like
ok.
i feel horribly, horribly horrible today
so i am making a List of Things That I Like, in No Order:
1. white oil paint.
2. patches, it is my best webcomic friend.
3. the cheap burgers from 444 snackbar on brunswick street
5. when songs i really like are playing in cafes i really like.
6. my fishy stickers on my laptop
7. looking through my books
8. cataloguing my books on librarything account
9. knitting! (well derrr)
10. silk yarn
11. laceweight of any description
12. that yves klein shade of blue.
12. my desktop image of new york that miko sent me.
13. my ankh, which i don't actually ever take off anymore. nope. My anhk.
14. randomly running into friends on the street and having time to get coffee with them
15. realising that i put 12 twice.
16. making lists.
17. organinising things, especially arbitrary things like knitted 3" by 3" squares.
18. the username 'wonky'
19. the internet.
20. blankets
there are other things. i need a nap though.
i feel horribly, horribly horrible today
so i am making a List of Things That I Like, in No Order:
1. white oil paint.
2. patches, it is my best webcomic friend.
3. the cheap burgers from 444 snackbar on brunswick street
5. when songs i really like are playing in cafes i really like.
6. my fishy stickers on my laptop
7. looking through my books
8. cataloguing my books on librarything account
9. knitting! (well derrr)
10. silk yarn
11. laceweight of any description
12. that yves klein shade of blue.
12. my desktop image of new york that miko sent me.
13. my ankh, which i don't actually ever take off anymore. nope. My anhk.
14. randomly running into friends on the street and having time to get coffee with them
15. realising that i put 12 twice.
16. making lists.
17. organinising things, especially arbitrary things like knitted 3" by 3" squares.
18. the username 'wonky'
19. the internet.
20. blankets
there are other things. i need a nap though.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
no more Cold_turkey
ok.
weaning quietly. gently. taking pill at night, so that the second day is not as bad as it was last time. i am starting to feel really, really warey of tomorrow and what my body is going to do.
i had a terrible day at work, so that adds to it.
so.
i am going to use this as a mood blog for a bit - according to good ol' crazy-meds, it's a good idea to keep a mood blog while going off pills in order to note if, and when, you become depressed again. and how, why, etc.
see, i know it's important to keep an eye on my moods. i have been trying to do that for the last two years, and they have been really regular. due to, you know, being regulated with medication. but i need to watch it, seriously. and clean. i want to work on being Cleaner around the house.
i am feeling really down right now though. from crap day at work. from attempting to 'own my failings and mistakes as a human being.' from the last year of therapy. from frustrations in my own lack of success. from frustration at that frustration. i know sucess is meaningless. i know that it won't make me happy, or fulfilled, or mean anything important to me at all. i just. wish i knew what i needed to do.
i am librarythinging to comfort myself. mostly from memory because i have the majority of my easy-to-catalogue books at my current house updated, and i am about 50% through my manual entries titles. so i am just trying to recall titles i have at my parents place. i feel a little embarrased by my vast wiccan collection... but i really should add that too. it's only fair. seriously, the level of peace i get from my virtual bookshelf is amusing. it calms me right down. and is easier to do than knit when my hands keep shaking.
i feel like a total fuck up right now. and i am working at mind-watching-the-mind as impartial observer.
oh well. at least my No Drinking thing is being strictly upheld, due to not wanting to touch my tentative sanity.
weaning quietly. gently. taking pill at night, so that the second day is not as bad as it was last time. i am starting to feel really, really warey of tomorrow and what my body is going to do.
i had a terrible day at work, so that adds to it.
so.
i am going to use this as a mood blog for a bit - according to good ol' crazy-meds, it's a good idea to keep a mood blog while going off pills in order to note if, and when, you become depressed again. and how, why, etc.
see, i know it's important to keep an eye on my moods. i have been trying to do that for the last two years, and they have been really regular. due to, you know, being regulated with medication. but i need to watch it, seriously. and clean. i want to work on being Cleaner around the house.
i am feeling really down right now though. from crap day at work. from attempting to 'own my failings and mistakes as a human being.' from the last year of therapy. from frustrations in my own lack of success. from frustration at that frustration. i know sucess is meaningless. i know that it won't make me happy, or fulfilled, or mean anything important to me at all. i just. wish i knew what i needed to do.
i am librarythinging to comfort myself. mostly from memory because i have the majority of my easy-to-catalogue books at my current house updated, and i am about 50% through my manual entries titles. so i am just trying to recall titles i have at my parents place. i feel a little embarrased by my vast wiccan collection... but i really should add that too. it's only fair. seriously, the level of peace i get from my virtual bookshelf is amusing. it calms me right down. and is easier to do than knit when my hands keep shaking.
i feel like a total fuck up right now. and i am working at mind-watching-the-mind as impartial observer.
oh well. at least my No Drinking thing is being strictly upheld, due to not wanting to touch my tentative sanity.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
day two. update
list easy
1. feel like i have small worms crawling through my body. in waves. mainly towards my solar plexus. down over my eyes. the dizziness is dibilitating. lachlan is being very helpful and loving. i can't lie down, i can't sit up.
2. i keep shivering and sweating at the same time. i smell like hell. i am naked apart from a sheet that i pull up when i feel cold. i feel so strange.
3. my skin feels like it is not my own. if i wasn't mentally stable, i would be trying to cut the worm-y feeling out.
4. my heart speeds up then slows down then speeds up.
5. i shake.
6. still can't focus eyes properly.
7. my head moves around. i mean, i feel like 'i' am being moved around within my scull.
8. it's like a thick moving membrane is shifting over my body.
9. main comfort is comming from playing with librarything. i photographed a stack of books and loaded them into the server. oh i love organising and pettng my books.
i feel inhuman. where is the zip? where is the off switch. i want out.
but, at least am not depressed.
seriously, these fuckers are a last resort. if i wasn't suicidal, (almost) and unable to cope with getting up in the morning, and sleeping all day, and crying constantly, i would be regretting them so much. but i know they were an important part of my recovery. right now, i just wish i never had to deal with it all in the first place. and i wish i had been sent to cathie from the start, rather than chucked on higher and higher doses of effexor. god. like i said, i am glad i feel emotionally stable. because physically, i have NEVER felt anything like this. never. this is hellish.
1. feel like i have small worms crawling through my body. in waves. mainly towards my solar plexus. down over my eyes. the dizziness is dibilitating. lachlan is being very helpful and loving. i can't lie down, i can't sit up.
2. i keep shivering and sweating at the same time. i smell like hell. i am naked apart from a sheet that i pull up when i feel cold. i feel so strange.
3. my skin feels like it is not my own. if i wasn't mentally stable, i would be trying to cut the worm-y feeling out.
4. my heart speeds up then slows down then speeds up.
5. i shake.
6. still can't focus eyes properly.
7. my head moves around. i mean, i feel like 'i' am being moved around within my scull.
8. it's like a thick moving membrane is shifting over my body.
9. main comfort is comming from playing with librarything. i photographed a stack of books and loaded them into the server. oh i love organising and pettng my books.
i feel inhuman. where is the zip? where is the off switch. i want out.
but, at least am not depressed.
seriously, these fuckers are a last resort. if i wasn't suicidal, (almost) and unable to cope with getting up in the morning, and sleeping all day, and crying constantly, i would be regretting them so much. but i know they were an important part of my recovery. right now, i just wish i never had to deal with it all in the first place. and i wish i had been sent to cathie from the start, rather than chucked on higher and higher doses of effexor. god. like i said, i am glad i feel emotionally stable. because physically, i have NEVER felt anything like this. never. this is hellish.
day two
this is going to double as my _ going off pills diary_
mentally, i feel great. not depressed, a little emotionally fragile... (i cried because my phone wasn't working last night...)
the blurry vision thing is strange. i literally can barely focus my eyes. and my body tempurature is doing really unique things. hot then cold then hot then cold. i think i have a fever. i feel blobby and heavy. and buzzy.
somehow, i figure the two amazing-carmela-short-blacks will heal me. or help. she makes phemonenal coffee ever. no joke. this is not my bias because i love her. it is the Honest Truth. my eyes are blobby! nooo!
ok. i am also going to go through my books and photographing them all. then librarythinging them. library thing is so amazing. i love it so crazily. i need more feminist books. that is the joy of non-fiction, you can dip into it so much better.
i am chatting to anne right now, and i love anne. i feel very happy to see her online.
itchy feet. real job. itchyfeetrealjob.
i feel pretty good. physically gross, mentally, on top of the world.
mentally, i feel great. not depressed, a little emotionally fragile... (i cried because my phone wasn't working last night...)
the blurry vision thing is strange. i literally can barely focus my eyes. and my body tempurature is doing really unique things. hot then cold then hot then cold. i think i have a fever. i feel blobby and heavy. and buzzy.
somehow, i figure the two amazing-carmela-short-blacks will heal me. or help. she makes phemonenal coffee ever. no joke. this is not my bias because i love her. it is the Honest Truth. my eyes are blobby! nooo!
ok. i am also going to go through my books and photographing them all. then librarythinging them. library thing is so amazing. i love it so crazily. i need more feminist books. that is the joy of non-fiction, you can dip into it so much better.
i am chatting to anne right now, and i love anne. i feel very happy to see her online.
itchy feet. real job. itchyfeetrealjob.
i feel pretty good. physically gross, mentally, on top of the world.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
the sun will never touch me i abhore its filthy light....
the magnetic fields/ future bible hero's tracks i have on my computer are making me happy. see the amusing images? see my pretty dress?? how Great is that dress??!!!! yes, yes, it is very great.
places i like in brisbane
ok. my feelingunstableness has continued now to the point where my vision is even blurrier, and i feel POIUFFY! very very puffy. no knitting, or tv, or paiting tonight. i am either going to read 'ka' that L has lent me, or something soothing, like 'happy endings are all alike,' or another one of my lesbian teen novels. that is deeeeply soothing. and i feel sick. really really sick. god, this is gross. i cannot wait until this has worn off. oh, and my phone doesn't work. only god knows why.
places that i love to eat and hang around at and why:
coffeeshops
1. the alibi room. because it has great cookies, fantastic coffee, the best staff ever! and a wonderful atmosphere. fun happyface.
2. cirque for breakfast, esp. on weekends or when feeling frail. because the food is increeeedible, spock and sarah are beautiful, there is a note from nick cave on the wall, and it has geovonese coffee.
3. the little larder. because food is also fantasticly delicious, great set - up, small and off the main brunswick-street, and it's nice and cosy.
4. brilliant facets. because it is secret, and hidden, and has jewish menorahs and indigenous art work and local jewelery, and the BEST greek food in brisbane. and high ceilings.
5. work coffeeshop. (coaldrakes emporium). because benny makes the BEST coffee, and it's free for me. and there are books! books i have ordered! and i can read. downside. i work there.
6. bavarian tea house. (not totally sure of the name). because you get really big trays with delicious, intense chai, and it's full of mismatching, beautiful furniture, and it's cramped and smells lovely and they have those great little chocolates when you get high tea.
7. that turkish place on the river right down the end-y bit of southbank. because lachlan and i went on a Really early date there. and they also make great coffee.
8. the three monkeys. for obvious reasons to brisbanites, but, for others, because of the BOWLS of chai made perfectly, and for the rugs on the roof. also for merry memories of second year video art between lecture and tutorial.
9. java coast coffee next to the city dendy. because it has a forest down the back.
10. urban grind (i am thinking of the west end one...). because the coffee will blow your MIND off and away into an exciting place.
11. if. cafe. best coffee in the valley.
on listing this, i realise i need to explore places outside of the city, the valley, new farm, and west end. onwards and upwards to more paddington outings.
resturants
1. the continental cafe. consistant great service. beautiful food. good vegetarian.
2. the himalayan cafe. cheap, reliable, delicious, buddhist. heaps of veg. options.
3. isis (when feeling extravagant). because, despite being extreeeemly expensive, it is MIND BLOWINGlY good also, and the inclusion of a vegetarian menu is delightful.
4. mecca bar. happy turkish pides. very happy.
5. new japanese resturant across the road. has the best, freshest sushi i have EVER eaten.
6. mint. first time i went there, it was good. latest time, incredible. rich, delicious indian flavours.
7. banyan tree, (which has gone and moved to west end! noooo)
freshest, best indian in brisbane. full stop.
8. vespa pizza. best pizza in brisbane. (that i have eaten, anyhow)
9. the forest. vegan beer. vegan meals. vegan wine. vegan soft drink. god. so good.
10. earth and sea. close runner up for best pizza in brisbane. downside, it's two bus trips away.
11. fat rics. cheap, and incredibly good for how cheap it is. always has great vegetarian specials, and the staff are so fun.
12. that secret italian resturant behind the other shops in brunswick central. yes, it's dirty and dodgey and possibly filled with unhygenic practices. who cares! for $12, you get a plate of pasta to feed two people!!
places that i love to eat and hang around at and why:
coffeeshops
1. the alibi room. because it has great cookies, fantastic coffee, the best staff ever! and a wonderful atmosphere. fun happyface.
2. cirque for breakfast, esp. on weekends or when feeling frail. because the food is increeeedible, spock and sarah are beautiful, there is a note from nick cave on the wall, and it has geovonese coffee.
3. the little larder. because food is also fantasticly delicious, great set - up, small and off the main brunswick-street, and it's nice and cosy.
4. brilliant facets. because it is secret, and hidden, and has jewish menorahs and indigenous art work and local jewelery, and the BEST greek food in brisbane. and high ceilings.
5. work coffeeshop. (coaldrakes emporium). because benny makes the BEST coffee, and it's free for me. and there are books! books i have ordered! and i can read. downside. i work there.
6. bavarian tea house. (not totally sure of the name). because you get really big trays with delicious, intense chai, and it's full of mismatching, beautiful furniture, and it's cramped and smells lovely and they have those great little chocolates when you get high tea.
7. that turkish place on the river right down the end-y bit of southbank. because lachlan and i went on a Really early date there. and they also make great coffee.
8. the three monkeys. for obvious reasons to brisbanites, but, for others, because of the BOWLS of chai made perfectly, and for the rugs on the roof. also for merry memories of second year video art between lecture and tutorial.
9. java coast coffee next to the city dendy. because it has a forest down the back.
10. urban grind (i am thinking of the west end one...). because the coffee will blow your MIND off and away into an exciting place.
11. if. cafe. best coffee in the valley.
on listing this, i realise i need to explore places outside of the city, the valley, new farm, and west end. onwards and upwards to more paddington outings.
resturants
1. the continental cafe. consistant great service. beautiful food. good vegetarian.
2. the himalayan cafe. cheap, reliable, delicious, buddhist. heaps of veg. options.
3. isis (when feeling extravagant). because, despite being extreeeemly expensive, it is MIND BLOWINGlY good also, and the inclusion of a vegetarian menu is delightful.
4. mecca bar. happy turkish pides. very happy.
5. new japanese resturant across the road. has the best, freshest sushi i have EVER eaten.
6. mint. first time i went there, it was good. latest time, incredible. rich, delicious indian flavours.
7. banyan tree, (which has gone and moved to west end! noooo)
freshest, best indian in brisbane. full stop.
8. vespa pizza. best pizza in brisbane. (that i have eaten, anyhow)
9. the forest. vegan beer. vegan meals. vegan wine. vegan soft drink. god. so good.
10. earth and sea. close runner up for best pizza in brisbane. downside, it's two bus trips away.
11. fat rics. cheap, and incredibly good for how cheap it is. always has great vegetarian specials, and the staff are so fun.
12. that secret italian resturant behind the other shops in brunswick central. yes, it's dirty and dodgey and possibly filled with unhygenic practices. who cares! for $12, you get a plate of pasta to feed two people!!
various antics
1.
i have itchy feet. after looking at a friend's travel blog, and seeing images from europe and kyoto and NY and and and, i want to get on a plane today. this is not going to happen. but still.
i also literally have itchy feet, because the Blisters from Hell are healing.
2.
i got my Haircut, and i now have scruffy, short hair. i feel like a cross between jane mansfield and a terrier. in a good way. i have an Ultra-Short Fringe, again, and i like them very much. my hairdresser is grouse.
3.
i am weaning off my antidepressants, at both my therapist's and my decision. this will be... an adventure. i have been on them for about 2 years now. let us see how this goes. i am actually not weaning, i am Cold_turkeying. this will probably be gross.
4.
we are performing a ServerUpdate at work number 2. this is horrible and gross, and the computers are evil. we have one hell of a lot of spyware, the MYOB is not being friends with the host computer, and despite the error messages, it seems to sort of work on the accounting computer. however, we have no way of telling until all the files are moved into the updated edition, which could cause havoc, or delight. we don't know. this is not a fun thing to not know.
5.
i have a New Best Friend. his name is Hiroshi Fuji, and he moulded over 2000 frogs out of rice. i love him. i love the way he constructs his art practice into a series of beautiful stories.
6. updating on the Cold_turky antidepressants, the withdrawals are starting to set in, and make me feel confused, but not alarmed. sick though. icky. and dizzy. whoeeey! i am on the fine train to chemical-free emotional stability. yaaay! therapy. ohhh! and i am almost at the safty net!!! for non-australians, the safety net is this beautiful thing, where once you have reached $1000 of doctors bills for one year, you get them all for FREEEEEE! my year of therapy now has me at $890! my subsequent appointments are Free! i am going to get mole checks and everything at non-bulk-billing doctors in order to take advantage of our amazingly great healthcare system.
hair photos to follow. because, i know everyone wants to see it. :)
i have itchy feet. after looking at a friend's travel blog, and seeing images from europe and kyoto and NY and and and, i want to get on a plane today. this is not going to happen. but still.
i also literally have itchy feet, because the Blisters from Hell are healing.
2.
i got my Haircut, and i now have scruffy, short hair. i feel like a cross between jane mansfield and a terrier. in a good way. i have an Ultra-Short Fringe, again, and i like them very much. my hairdresser is grouse.
3.
i am weaning off my antidepressants, at both my therapist's and my decision. this will be... an adventure. i have been on them for about 2 years now. let us see how this goes. i am actually not weaning, i am Cold_turkeying. this will probably be gross.
4.
we are performing a ServerUpdate at work number 2. this is horrible and gross, and the computers are evil. we have one hell of a lot of spyware, the MYOB is not being friends with the host computer, and despite the error messages, it seems to sort of work on the accounting computer. however, we have no way of telling until all the files are moved into the updated edition, which could cause havoc, or delight. we don't know. this is not a fun thing to not know.
5.
i have a New Best Friend. his name is Hiroshi Fuji, and he moulded over 2000 frogs out of rice. i love him. i love the way he constructs his art practice into a series of beautiful stories.
6. updating on the Cold_turky antidepressants, the withdrawals are starting to set in, and make me feel confused, but not alarmed. sick though. icky. and dizzy. whoeeey! i am on the fine train to chemical-free emotional stability. yaaay! therapy. ohhh! and i am almost at the safty net!!! for non-australians, the safety net is this beautiful thing, where once you have reached $1000 of doctors bills for one year, you get them all for FREEEEEE! my year of therapy now has me at $890! my subsequent appointments are Free! i am going to get mole checks and everything at non-bulk-billing doctors in order to take advantage of our amazingly great healthcare system.
hair photos to follow. because, i know everyone wants to see it. :)
Sunday, October 01, 2006
no more returns! ever!
i really hate returns. for those who do not know, and care, returns is what happens in all bookstores when one takes off the olde books and sends them back to the supplier to get either pulped or sent out again to another bookstore, in exchange for credit. it's important in running a bookstore, and possibly the most tedious, vile task to do, as it is time consuming, painstaking, and easy to muck up by either one of the multiple websites one needs to check to see if the title is actually returnable, or by just putting the wrong book in the pile. and, obviously, it's the ten copies of something like 'girls night in, number 4' that can't be returned.
lachlan is cuddled up on my shoulder, all soft and cuddly like a little koala. i had a deeply satisfying nap in the afternoon, after heading down to the powerhouse and being underwhelmed by the music. not that it was bad, just.... not at all interesting to me. still, there was a great sized crowd.
i am feeling filled with Righteous Indignation over the state of publicly funded arts websites. when was the last time the YAQ site was updated? looks to me like it was around MARCH. and backbone arts. where is a simple, clear 'what we do' section. maybe more people would be accessing these units if they were set up clearly and logically. frustrating.
it's HAIRCUT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love getting haircuts! yay! i have been growing my hair for a LONG TIME. it is below my shoulders. i have realised that is is like an ocean of black around my face, and i am kinda getting lost in it. it's just sort of confusing looking. i could keep going with the whole hair growing thing, so i can do the cool 'hair flipping of long black hair in a suave and sophisicated manner' but that is really kinda stupid motivation for keeping going with all the additional care and grooming that long hair requires. yes, i have thought about this more than i should have. i think about my hair a lot. this is pathetic-ish. everyone needs to read 'rapunzel's daughters' - a book looking at the relationship between women and their hair. it's a facinating relationship.
i justify my irrational interest in my hair by the fact that i walk to work, and have at least 40 minutes a day of walking to ponder things like hair and shoes as markers of femininity and so forth. makeup falls into a similar category. i feel really please that i can go out now, to 'good' places when i've dressed up, without makeup. happily. my acne scarring and ickyskinness is no longer bothering me too much.
More Painting Time Tonight! jollification!
lachlan is cuddled up on my shoulder, all soft and cuddly like a little koala. i had a deeply satisfying nap in the afternoon, after heading down to the powerhouse and being underwhelmed by the music. not that it was bad, just.... not at all interesting to me. still, there was a great sized crowd.
i am feeling filled with Righteous Indignation over the state of publicly funded arts websites. when was the last time the YAQ site was updated? looks to me like it was around MARCH. and backbone arts. where is a simple, clear 'what we do' section. maybe more people would be accessing these units if they were set up clearly and logically. frustrating.
it's HAIRCUT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love getting haircuts! yay! i have been growing my hair for a LONG TIME. it is below my shoulders. i have realised that is is like an ocean of black around my face, and i am kinda getting lost in it. it's just sort of confusing looking. i could keep going with the whole hair growing thing, so i can do the cool 'hair flipping of long black hair in a suave and sophisicated manner' but that is really kinda stupid motivation for keeping going with all the additional care and grooming that long hair requires. yes, i have thought about this more than i should have. i think about my hair a lot. this is pathetic-ish. everyone needs to read 'rapunzel's daughters' - a book looking at the relationship between women and their hair. it's a facinating relationship.
i justify my irrational interest in my hair by the fact that i walk to work, and have at least 40 minutes a day of walking to ponder things like hair and shoes as markers of femininity and so forth. makeup falls into a similar category. i feel really please that i can go out now, to 'good' places when i've dressed up, without makeup. happily. my acne scarring and ickyskinness is no longer bothering me too much.
More Painting Time Tonight! jollification!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
musical ness and epiphanies
does epiphanies look like a strange combination of elephants and fanny to anyone else? or is there just something very very wrong with me? i realised that i pronounce 'demon' as 'demond' - does this reflect upon my traumatic experience on the recieving end of an exorcism, or simply my inner bogan that likes to pronounce 'cutlery' as 'cuttelry'? a little from column a, a little from column b.
lachlan just sung a Very Lovely song to me. it was very very glorious. he is Gifted. he now is using me as a drum. he is special. my wrist is now the focus of his attention. i am going to give him my mala beeds for a bit. now he is merrily gigging them up and down, singing 'beads, beads beads beads, beads...' and looking sleepy and cute and like a snuggly muffin of happiness.
it's an ah-ha moment night.
you know, those resounding moments, when you see something with just, some crazily intense clarity.
see, i've been in the process of developing a mindfulness practice for years now. since i first heard and understood what mindfulness is. and, i have been struggling and fighting and intellectualizing the process for years as well - which, obviously, is the antithesis of mindful practice.
and is it the medicine buddha sand mandala, or the culmination of several years of attempts, or the 8 months of intensive therapy, or just a few weeks of sleeping really well, or even this new, abiding passion for black coffee (it really sharpens the mind) it's really Clicked in the last week or so. it's difficult to put into words in any coherent sense, or in any form that is verbal. again, part and parcel. (that is a demented saying).
but. to the point of this particular bloggity tangent. Syncretism (random brisbane music thing) had performances by RICHARD CHARTIER + CAMILLA HANNAN (capitals due to me doing a bit of nifty copy-and-paste action from the room40 site). as with almost every single room40 thing i have been to, the support act is equally if not more exciting than the thing i went to see. perhaps because i often go to them with little or no expectations. anyhow, their sounds were phenomenal. profoundly, densely phenomenal. camilla had recordings from cane fields, melded and blended and intensified, in this beautiful, movement-y, crunching soundscape. it was the sort of sound you close your eyes to. (and don't actually fall asleep. i do that sometimes. i am a sleepy engine). richard chartier is a minimalist sound artist/musician - and his sound is full vibrating in a sound- sense, with flickering sounds that viscerally moves, in these small little tips, up and down your neck. these are sort of asides though, to the Realisation of Mindfulness.
see, i am blessed to have two gurus in this incarnation. one of my books in my collection describes the people we struggle with, who cause the most insense, solid illusions of feelings, solid negativity and anger and fear and so on - those people are our greatest teachers. we learn how these emotions arise, why they arise, how we deal with them, if we can only observe the mind watching the mind without attempting to stifle the feelings, or hide from them, or transform them into action. if we can sit, in full awareness of these feelings, we have learnt more from these people than we do from those we love and cherish. in turn, we can learn to love and cherish all sentient beings.
i sat, watching my own anxiety grow, my physical reactions manifest, my eyes glaze over into some indiferent face. my mind spins out of control when i get anxious, running faster and faster and less and less logically, trying to work its way out of this rat cage of fear and resentment and anger and meaningless dead wounds. but insted of the usual responsive rant of "for god's sake, get Over it, it's in the past, it's irrelevant, you are being silly, come on, stop it, you are so Lucky etc etc,' i just sat with it, and watched my mind run through its paces and chase itself around. it slowed down eventually; the sensations and movements of the sound coupled with the calmness below the top of my thoughts to draw myself between the space of the mind and the mind-watching-the-mind.
so yes. i was still scared and angry and felt sick to the stomach, and accordingly felt stupid and small and confused as to what i care about. i felt bad and cruel and childish and trivial, and intensely guilty for my own part in 'the grand elizabeth fuck-up of 2004' - but i sat and i watched it with the awareness of the mind-watching-the-mind. not just sitting there out of control of the mind; but knowing there is something more deeply real and profound below that shallow tumble of thoughts.
so thanks, 2 people who inspire all that stuff. no, seriously, sincere, profound thanks. the difficult people are our gurus, our buddhas, our movement towards a better sense of being human - that is the honest to god benefit of the human incarnation - the capacity to draw ourselves out of the shit of the mind, without luxuriating in perfection, but through understanding the shite, and understanding our own Mind. yes.
productive me.
in other news, i have flea bites. they itch. and i managed, after these Important thoughts, to get my skirt caught in the back of my laptop bag, and share the Joy of the Flowery Undies with anyone standing behind me. i giggled.
lachlan just sung a Very Lovely song to me. it was very very glorious. he is Gifted. he now is using me as a drum. he is special. my wrist is now the focus of his attention. i am going to give him my mala beeds for a bit. now he is merrily gigging them up and down, singing 'beads, beads beads beads, beads...' and looking sleepy and cute and like a snuggly muffin of happiness.
it's an ah-ha moment night.
you know, those resounding moments, when you see something with just, some crazily intense clarity.
see, i've been in the process of developing a mindfulness practice for years now. since i first heard and understood what mindfulness is. and, i have been struggling and fighting and intellectualizing the process for years as well - which, obviously, is the antithesis of mindful practice.
and is it the medicine buddha sand mandala, or the culmination of several years of attempts, or the 8 months of intensive therapy, or just a few weeks of sleeping really well, or even this new, abiding passion for black coffee (it really sharpens the mind) it's really Clicked in the last week or so. it's difficult to put into words in any coherent sense, or in any form that is verbal. again, part and parcel. (that is a demented saying).
but. to the point of this particular bloggity tangent. Syncretism (random brisbane music thing) had performances by RICHARD CHARTIER + CAMILLA HANNAN (capitals due to me doing a bit of nifty copy-and-paste action from the room40 site). as with almost every single room40 thing i have been to, the support act is equally if not more exciting than the thing i went to see. perhaps because i often go to them with little or no expectations. anyhow, their sounds were phenomenal. profoundly, densely phenomenal. camilla had recordings from cane fields, melded and blended and intensified, in this beautiful, movement-y, crunching soundscape. it was the sort of sound you close your eyes to. (and don't actually fall asleep. i do that sometimes. i am a sleepy engine). richard chartier is a minimalist sound artist/musician - and his sound is full vibrating in a sound- sense, with flickering sounds that viscerally moves, in these small little tips, up and down your neck. these are sort of asides though, to the Realisation of Mindfulness.
see, i am blessed to have two gurus in this incarnation. one of my books in my collection describes the people we struggle with, who cause the most insense, solid illusions of feelings, solid negativity and anger and fear and so on - those people are our greatest teachers. we learn how these emotions arise, why they arise, how we deal with them, if we can only observe the mind watching the mind without attempting to stifle the feelings, or hide from them, or transform them into action. if we can sit, in full awareness of these feelings, we have learnt more from these people than we do from those we love and cherish. in turn, we can learn to love and cherish all sentient beings.
i sat, watching my own anxiety grow, my physical reactions manifest, my eyes glaze over into some indiferent face. my mind spins out of control when i get anxious, running faster and faster and less and less logically, trying to work its way out of this rat cage of fear and resentment and anger and meaningless dead wounds. but insted of the usual responsive rant of "for god's sake, get Over it, it's in the past, it's irrelevant, you are being silly, come on, stop it, you are so Lucky etc etc,' i just sat with it, and watched my mind run through its paces and chase itself around. it slowed down eventually; the sensations and movements of the sound coupled with the calmness below the top of my thoughts to draw myself between the space of the mind and the mind-watching-the-mind.
so yes. i was still scared and angry and felt sick to the stomach, and accordingly felt stupid and small and confused as to what i care about. i felt bad and cruel and childish and trivial, and intensely guilty for my own part in 'the grand elizabeth fuck-up of 2004' - but i sat and i watched it with the awareness of the mind-watching-the-mind. not just sitting there out of control of the mind; but knowing there is something more deeply real and profound below that shallow tumble of thoughts.
so thanks, 2 people who inspire all that stuff. no, seriously, sincere, profound thanks. the difficult people are our gurus, our buddhas, our movement towards a better sense of being human - that is the honest to god benefit of the human incarnation - the capacity to draw ourselves out of the shit of the mind, without luxuriating in perfection, but through understanding the shite, and understanding our own Mind. yes.
productive me.
in other news, i have flea bites. they itch. and i managed, after these Important thoughts, to get my skirt caught in the back of my laptop bag, and share the Joy of the Flowery Undies with anyone standing behind me. i giggled.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
cat in the dryer
oh yes. does life get any sweeter than a cat in the dryer? he is such a CUTE little muffin.
i have joined the sad patheticness of myspace-a-tude with lame enthusiasm.
in other news, i saw 'chek dream' last night, on SBS, which was amazing and funny and sad. the story of two filmakers who marketed and set up a huge event for a non-existant supermarket called 'chek dream'. very very good. bless you SBS
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
pirates and emplllooooyment for noogies
lachlan has a job interview at oxlades today!!!!! we are all going to think SUPER good thoughts for him.... he would be the best art store worker ever in the whole world ever ever.
i have large blisters still.
i did some painting last night, which was crappy. this is ok, because it has been... er... about two years sinse i last painted anything. so i am working at it, and working at non-attachment.
you know when the sky opens up, and you see it? without the clouds? i had a day like that yesturday. it was amazing. the day, in and of itself was normal, but i held onto something so deeply sacred that i felt more alive than i ever have. this... feeling flickered through me, on and off, this partial awareness lighting into Knowing from time to time, with such a profound clarity that i was almost bought to tears.
today, the sky is heavy and dense, and the air is mossy. i'm wearing my wonderful grey jumper. and realising how wonderful it is when you need nothing to feel happy.
i tend to think people are bought to evaluate their life by either of two equal and opposites - extreme hardship or extreme fortune. i think that is why there are waves of faith in the west. i've never, in my life, at most most poor, experienced real, honest, hardship. there has never been one night where i have had to wonder where i was sleeping. sometimes, i have gone without food, but not for a whole day from poverty. there is always something, be however tastless or dull, that i can eat. there is a home. there is shelter and safety. this abundance gives you space, and that space makes you question. because it is so good. and yet nothing. it is no more than what someone with no object but their rags and their bowl - in the sense of any sort of real meaning.
like the amazing example of when there was a monk and a prince in a garden, havnig lunch. a servant came running to the prince, yelling 'your house is burning'. the prince was relaxed, and unfazed, because they were only material objects. the monk went running towards the burning house, screaming out 'my bowl!'.
there is no need for perfection, there Is no perfection. it's an empty concept. just. noticing. watching. the mind observing the mind, reserving judgement, reserving anger. just watching.
there is a place on brunswick street with the best vegie burgers i have ever eaten. they blow my mind. i am really looking forward to lunch and burger goodness. considering breakfast was two cookies and a vegetable juice.
in other news, i am librarythinging like there is no tomorrow.
orgy of librarythinging.
i have large blisters still.
i did some painting last night, which was crappy. this is ok, because it has been... er... about two years sinse i last painted anything. so i am working at it, and working at non-attachment.
you know when the sky opens up, and you see it? without the clouds? i had a day like that yesturday. it was amazing. the day, in and of itself was normal, but i held onto something so deeply sacred that i felt more alive than i ever have. this... feeling flickered through me, on and off, this partial awareness lighting into Knowing from time to time, with such a profound clarity that i was almost bought to tears.
today, the sky is heavy and dense, and the air is mossy. i'm wearing my wonderful grey jumper. and realising how wonderful it is when you need nothing to feel happy.
i tend to think people are bought to evaluate their life by either of two equal and opposites - extreme hardship or extreme fortune. i think that is why there are waves of faith in the west. i've never, in my life, at most most poor, experienced real, honest, hardship. there has never been one night where i have had to wonder where i was sleeping. sometimes, i have gone without food, but not for a whole day from poverty. there is always something, be however tastless or dull, that i can eat. there is a home. there is shelter and safety. this abundance gives you space, and that space makes you question. because it is so good. and yet nothing. it is no more than what someone with no object but their rags and their bowl - in the sense of any sort of real meaning.
like the amazing example of when there was a monk and a prince in a garden, havnig lunch. a servant came running to the prince, yelling 'your house is burning'. the prince was relaxed, and unfazed, because they were only material objects. the monk went running towards the burning house, screaming out 'my bowl!'.
there is no need for perfection, there Is no perfection. it's an empty concept. just. noticing. watching. the mind observing the mind, reserving judgement, reserving anger. just watching.
there is a place on brunswick street with the best vegie burgers i have ever eaten. they blow my mind. i am really looking forward to lunch and burger goodness. considering breakfast was two cookies and a vegetable juice.
in other news, i am librarythinging like there is no tomorrow.
orgy of librarythinging.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
dissolution
just back from the dissolution of the sand mandala at the powerhouse - i'm really not sure what to say about it. to see the destruction of something so fragile, so labour intensive, done with such artful grace by the monk was a ... yeah. it was an experience. and multi-tonal chanting is exciting on many levels. two tones. one person. the same time. eep! cool!
went to a bit of the 2high festival with the dear mr bradley. the music set-up in the courtyard was utterly infuriating- surrounded by loud people waiting to get into the ballet, who clearly didn't care for, or about the music and musicians on stage. once they had headed off, it seemed to take off better. but it was a really appalling venue for it - frustrating, because the musicians we saw were great, and it was some great exposure for emerging musicians. i'm not going to talk about the art in fear of sounding silly or conceited.
then, OFFFFFF to a whacky adventure at an indian resturant. hjmmmsthh! aloo nann completes me. potato. bread. spices. happy. happydelicccious. numbles.
sleepy. work involved a fun adventure of scrubbing goo and dirt out of the corners that the mop can't reach. i did this of my own free will. for fun. the pathetic thing is, it Was fun. i got a really profound sense of satifaction out of getting brown goo out of the courners. courner? corner? either or. i like U's. u is a lovely letter. it's like a cup, or a bowl.
paintingland! i am SO putting in a submission for this year's ladyfest. i failed to last year. this year, though, i will be a Good Post Visual Arts Student.
painting. now. i just need... something to Paint On. yes.
went to a bit of the 2high festival with the dear mr bradley. the music set-up in the courtyard was utterly infuriating- surrounded by loud people waiting to get into the ballet, who clearly didn't care for, or about the music and musicians on stage. once they had headed off, it seemed to take off better. but it was a really appalling venue for it - frustrating, because the musicians we saw were great, and it was some great exposure for emerging musicians. i'm not going to talk about the art in fear of sounding silly or conceited.
then, OFFFFFF to a whacky adventure at an indian resturant. hjmmmsthh! aloo nann completes me. potato. bread. spices. happy. happydelicccious. numbles.
sleepy. work involved a fun adventure of scrubbing goo and dirt out of the corners that the mop can't reach. i did this of my own free will. for fun. the pathetic thing is, it Was fun. i got a really profound sense of satifaction out of getting brown goo out of the courners. courner? corner? either or. i like U's. u is a lovely letter. it's like a cup, or a bowl.
paintingland! i am SO putting in a submission for this year's ladyfest. i failed to last year. this year, though, i will be a Good Post Visual Arts Student.
painting. now. i just need... something to Paint On. yes.
Friday, September 22, 2006
phenomenal theatre and lost keys....
the divine fish, as supplied by my dear roxy, are gone. they don'twant to let the links in my sidebar work, and the links in my sidebar are my Friends.
i did it - i quit a job. it was doing my head in. too many jobs. far far far too many jobs. i hate quitting jobs so much, especially when my boss is as nice as ken. but, now i no longer feel like i am swinging uppp and dooowwwwwn all day long.
lachlan and i went to a Life Changingly amazing dance piece, 'underneath' on wednesday. only regret being that we didn't go on tue. as well, in order to have seen it both nights. it was a strange mix of butoh and contemporary dance; the dancers had this deep, foot thumping connnection to the ground, but it was theatrical, and funny, and hysterical as well. the bodies became liquid, and moved as though the dancers were fighting between a sense of dissaociation with the body, and a profound knowlege of the physicality and intimacy of the flesh. we walked out in a daze. the music was also incredible.
the big happyness festival of goodness... well. we won't be seeing it. ahem. i don't want to talk about it. (the tickets sold out.) but, never fear, i am going to my cousin's place tonight, for a Pirate Party. i am not a huge fan of parties, but nikhi is the best person ever, so i am going. yes.
tonight and saturday is the 3high festival, which ... i may go to - i really want to see taste of tea - as does lachlan as he has done collaborations with the members, while they have been performing in other bands. but........ i have no one to go with, as lachlan is working. well, until 8ish. we can go late. or, i can just go on my own. which is really not that difficult or painful. i just feel deeply wary of going anywhere in brisbane by myself at night right now, due to the rapists on the loose, and the lack of any apparent police action about it. 29 sexual assults and two rapes in a few months. and there is no huge coverage? no attempt to make as many people as possible aware of it? there was an election looming. hm.
still working on the shawl. still waiting for lachlan to find my paints.
i was locked out of my house on thursday. it's funny. but at the same time, deeply frustrating.
they are playing blue monday in the alibi at the moment. happyface.
i did it - i quit a job. it was doing my head in. too many jobs. far far far too many jobs. i hate quitting jobs so much, especially when my boss is as nice as ken. but, now i no longer feel like i am swinging uppp and dooowwwwwn all day long.
lachlan and i went to a Life Changingly amazing dance piece, 'underneath' on wednesday. only regret being that we didn't go on tue. as well, in order to have seen it both nights. it was a strange mix of butoh and contemporary dance; the dancers had this deep, foot thumping connnection to the ground, but it was theatrical, and funny, and hysterical as well. the bodies became liquid, and moved as though the dancers were fighting between a sense of dissaociation with the body, and a profound knowlege of the physicality and intimacy of the flesh. we walked out in a daze. the music was also incredible.
the big happyness festival of goodness... well. we won't be seeing it. ahem. i don't want to talk about it. (the tickets sold out.) but, never fear, i am going to my cousin's place tonight, for a Pirate Party. i am not a huge fan of parties, but nikhi is the best person ever, so i am going. yes.
tonight and saturday is the 3high festival, which ... i may go to - i really want to see taste of tea - as does lachlan as he has done collaborations with the members, while they have been performing in other bands. but........ i have no one to go with, as lachlan is working. well, until 8ish. we can go late. or, i can just go on my own. which is really not that difficult or painful. i just feel deeply wary of going anywhere in brisbane by myself at night right now, due to the rapists on the loose, and the lack of any apparent police action about it. 29 sexual assults and two rapes in a few months. and there is no huge coverage? no attempt to make as many people as possible aware of it? there was an election looming. hm.
still working on the shawl. still waiting for lachlan to find my paints.
i was locked out of my house on thursday. it's funny. but at the same time, deeply frustrating.
they are playing blue monday in the alibi at the moment. happyface.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
so many adventures....
tis been a week of many outings and oppertunities for silliness.
thur. night - my original plan to Jam in my Band with jane (hehehehehe. this is funny as i have a violin, i love my violin, but i can barely make a melodic sound out of my violin..... jane claims her musical ability is similar to mine. and lachlan wants in, because it is a dream of his to play accordian in a band with two girls with glasses....)
rather, the plan changed to seeing a talk by michael zavros. his artwork is intoxicating. my mind spun on seeing the projected image of a small painting, of something large, projected huge. wonderful. he made me want to paint again. paint and draw. so i drew a fish on friday night. and i am reclaiming my paint (primarily about 6 different shades of white oil paint, and scungy old oils in other, random hues) off lachlan - they have lived at his house for some time now. i am going to paint my squares in small, painfully realistic detail. i feel like i am gathering a little more self back again...
my bowling pin is also finished. this is a special, alibi room exhibition of random things mutilated by random people. this exhibition is on bowling pins. we all got a bowling pin, with which to do whatever we pleased.... i crocheted it a white cover. and then some. it's hard to describe. but it's white. unsurprisingly. this is because white is my friend. well, obviously, it's far more than that. the interaction between the space and the object is facinating, white allowed for a deeper exploration of the media present.... it's disembodied... i could go on, but don't really feel in the mood.
then, sunday night, for some really appallingly stupid reason, i went out after work. why is that silly, you may wonder. well, that is silly because i started work at 8.30 am that morning, and finished at 10pm that night. going out after that is very stupid. this time, i wonder if my -no-more-drinking- declarations are going to stick. i feel less compelled to drink again then i ever have. not because i was overly hung over, or because it was a bad night. i mean, i didn't even feel sick. i wasn't that drunk, just enough to dance like an idiot. but the whole night left a foul taste in my mouth. and it wasn't just the cigarettes. though that was high up there. ick. it was partly the fact everyone i was with had taken drugs. i felt wierd and distanced. it was partly, no, mostly because i am sick of being masochistic. i am sick of trying to destroy myself as a way of eleviating guilt and anxiety.
i enjoy other things. i love my life, god, i love it. i had this moment of... clarity when walking to portside past the river earlier on sunday. there was a rich sea smell in the air, and i could see the pelicans gathered by the side of the river. the wind was so intense i could hear it though the earphones. i listened to under byen. thunderously. it was such a beautiful moment.
and this morning, walking through the park at 8ish, the dew gathering in the creases of my boots. i lent over to smell the roses, and i wanted to touch the petals because they looked so soft, but i realised that it was enough just to look at them.
these things are enough. they are so much more than enough. i am so deeply, deeply fortunate. i feel utterly overwhelmed at times at how blessed i am. god, how so many of us are. it's not a guilt thing, just a profound understanding of how beautiful and great my life is, and how this position of privilege needs to be used well, and not squandered away in scotch and beer and empty regrets. there is so much more than that to feeling alive.
this morning i went to meditation in the powerhouse. i can easily say the powerhouse is my favourite venue in brisbane. it's one of my favourite places in brisbane. the architecture is so dingy and beautiful and half decayed half epic. lachlan and i started going there when we first got together. we went to 'what is music' in 2004 - we saw keji heno, and tujiko noriko; we've seen theatre, and dance performances, like that great oedipus play; we saw tujiko noriko there again in ... 05? or was it early this year? all the faboulous fabrique performances by room40, well, not all, just as many as one of us remembers is on - now we have industrially organised elizabeth i have a diary-bible where i put in dates and times of things i want to see. but yes. i love the powerhouse. it's a wonderful part of brisbane. i only wish we could have seen OOIOO in the last 'what is music' - the tickets were prohibitivily expensive. we are seeing a dance production tomorrow night - underneath - which has batik - a japanese dance company influenced heavily by butoh. butoh is one of lachlan and mine's mutual loves. his love of it does sort of overtake mine, but i still adore it. i dream of seeing an actual butoh performance one day.
on friday is the 'big happiness concert' - this is a big, wonderful explosion of tibetan music, with throat singing and traditional instruments and lots of great things.
all this week, there is morning meditation with the monks, followed by the creation of a medicine buddha sand mandala. i'm making all the ones i can.
it's all a little overstimulating, really.
thur. night - my original plan to Jam in my Band with jane (hehehehehe. this is funny as i have a violin, i love my violin, but i can barely make a melodic sound out of my violin..... jane claims her musical ability is similar to mine. and lachlan wants in, because it is a dream of his to play accordian in a band with two girls with glasses....)
rather, the plan changed to seeing a talk by michael zavros. his artwork is intoxicating. my mind spun on seeing the projected image of a small painting, of something large, projected huge. wonderful. he made me want to paint again. paint and draw. so i drew a fish on friday night. and i am reclaiming my paint (primarily about 6 different shades of white oil paint, and scungy old oils in other, random hues) off lachlan - they have lived at his house for some time now. i am going to paint my squares in small, painfully realistic detail. i feel like i am gathering a little more self back again...
my bowling pin is also finished. this is a special, alibi room exhibition of random things mutilated by random people. this exhibition is on bowling pins. we all got a bowling pin, with which to do whatever we pleased.... i crocheted it a white cover. and then some. it's hard to describe. but it's white. unsurprisingly. this is because white is my friend. well, obviously, it's far more than that. the interaction between the space and the object is facinating, white allowed for a deeper exploration of the media present.... it's disembodied... i could go on, but don't really feel in the mood.
then, sunday night, for some really appallingly stupid reason, i went out after work. why is that silly, you may wonder. well, that is silly because i started work at 8.30 am that morning, and finished at 10pm that night. going out after that is very stupid. this time, i wonder if my -no-more-drinking- declarations are going to stick. i feel less compelled to drink again then i ever have. not because i was overly hung over, or because it was a bad night. i mean, i didn't even feel sick. i wasn't that drunk, just enough to dance like an idiot. but the whole night left a foul taste in my mouth. and it wasn't just the cigarettes. though that was high up there. ick. it was partly the fact everyone i was with had taken drugs. i felt wierd and distanced. it was partly, no, mostly because i am sick of being masochistic. i am sick of trying to destroy myself as a way of eleviating guilt and anxiety.
i enjoy other things. i love my life, god, i love it. i had this moment of... clarity when walking to portside past the river earlier on sunday. there was a rich sea smell in the air, and i could see the pelicans gathered by the side of the river. the wind was so intense i could hear it though the earphones. i listened to under byen. thunderously. it was such a beautiful moment.
and this morning, walking through the park at 8ish, the dew gathering in the creases of my boots. i lent over to smell the roses, and i wanted to touch the petals because they looked so soft, but i realised that it was enough just to look at them.
these things are enough. they are so much more than enough. i am so deeply, deeply fortunate. i feel utterly overwhelmed at times at how blessed i am. god, how so many of us are. it's not a guilt thing, just a profound understanding of how beautiful and great my life is, and how this position of privilege needs to be used well, and not squandered away in scotch and beer and empty regrets. there is so much more than that to feeling alive.
this morning i went to meditation in the powerhouse. i can easily say the powerhouse is my favourite venue in brisbane. it's one of my favourite places in brisbane. the architecture is so dingy and beautiful and half decayed half epic. lachlan and i started going there when we first got together. we went to 'what is music' in 2004 - we saw keji heno, and tujiko noriko; we've seen theatre, and dance performances, like that great oedipus play; we saw tujiko noriko there again in ... 05? or was it early this year? all the faboulous fabrique performances by room40, well, not all, just as many as one of us remembers is on - now we have industrially organised elizabeth i have a diary-bible where i put in dates and times of things i want to see. but yes. i love the powerhouse. it's a wonderful part of brisbane. i only wish we could have seen OOIOO in the last 'what is music' - the tickets were prohibitivily expensive. we are seeing a dance production tomorrow night - underneath - which has batik - a japanese dance company influenced heavily by butoh. butoh is one of lachlan and mine's mutual loves. his love of it does sort of overtake mine, but i still adore it. i dream of seeing an actual butoh performance one day.
on friday is the 'big happiness concert' - this is a big, wonderful explosion of tibetan music, with throat singing and traditional instruments and lots of great things.
all this week, there is morning meditation with the monks, followed by the creation of a medicine buddha sand mandala. i'm making all the ones i can.
it's all a little overstimulating, really.
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