another year....

well, it was my birthday, and now i am a Year Older. go me.

i've had adventures and stuff, which i can't be bothered going into, even though they were really really exciting.

right now, i feel .exceedingly.drab. ... it is because i am wearing all grey? grey usually cheers me up. i love it. nice and dense and cuddly. warm grey. happy grey.

i am myspace whoring out of boredom and procrastination.

i have a three thousand word paper i have to write, some time today. it's due tonight.

i feel. like everything is very very heavy. right. now.

oh crap.

can't find my USB port.

anyone in a university understands exactly what that means, because - although there is only one piece of assessment on there i have that isn't backed up, that is TOTALLY too many pieces........... shiiiiiiiiiit.

and it's a complex, irritating one that will take a lot of time to redo at the last minute. yes, it is do-able. no, i would rather not. fuck.

in other news, it's me birthday.
i bought the degrassi boxed set for myself, and lachlan got me this beautiful hauri coat from the made in japan store and a lucky frog.

i had one piece of assessment due yesturday, which, i have to admit, i sort of fucked up... oh well.

uni is making me feel unhinged.

oh well.

i've made a lot of mistakes....

i've got a CD in my computer that i am listening to on repeat... it's beautiful. i love marking time with music.

i have a very sore throat... raw raw raw...

hand knit alpaca scarf around neck.

i got an email from alex, the artist who's work i adore so much, who i went on a magical mystical journey with last week.... or the week before? we talk about how we love the kodak beach in southbank. i like doing that a lot.

too much drinking again, my tolerance is actually growing. i drank spirits for hours last night, and i have No hangover. none. i did drink water and eat chips. i feel like i am going through a second undergraduate degree. only, this time, with the drinking and stupidity and fun and silliness. i want to do this too. i am loving it. seriously.

i still have the most profound sadness when i think of L. so much so that i feel like i'll cry like my heart is breaking. just because. there is so much there. my heart is very full of him. i love him very much. but. i don't regret that we aren't together, i feel like... he'll grow more now, and i will, and yeah. it's good. just really, really sad.

i'm spending time with friends. a lot. as much as possible, actually. it's good.
i'm trying to fill my life with them for a bit, because a. i love them, and b. i feel better when i am with them.

i lent a book to someone i barely know. this is a Big Deal for me. i feel like making friends with some more strangers soon.

parklife

blur makes everything ok.

now, i need to do university related work. or maybe i should just get some clothes from here, and some books, and go home. maybe. god. maybe.

this is going to be the general blog theme for a bit, everyone, so, sorry.
yeah.


uni. work. focus. elizabeth. tonn.of.bricks.shitness.

i bought three cds. parklife, blur : an old magnetic fields : a cheap duran duran best of.

i just ate some insane gooey cake for dinner, and i feel really, seriously sick now. i should call a friend, do something, but i just. feel. like. shit. and need to use my printer, get the fucker back to my own apartment, but it's so heavy.....
it's all just so heavy right now.

new order on the radio

well. cd player to be precise.
it's cheering me up because i feel. utterly. gutwrenched. right now.

i took a mental health day yesturday, skipping work and uni, lying in bed until midday, a friend came over, i ate fruit, we went out and got food, i ate goat, because i Fucking Wanted Meat, and i moaned a lot about how i feel like i am Lost in a Forest, All Alone, and i wished impossible things, we got drunk in a park like 16 year olds, moaning about our respective confusings and arght.... i just want to pull a blanket over my head and forget about everything.

when you pull a doona over your head, it takes you to tropical ice-y land, where everything is ok.
but, i ran into andrea last night, which has made me feel ectatic. utterly overjoyed. i love andrea more than i love almost anyone else in the world. just seeing her makes me happy in my heart.

my buddy, on seeing her, after seeing a large indie crew of 'beautiful people' was overwhelmed by how beautiful andrea was. it's not just the fact she looks like a pixie goddess,but its... her.

i.feel.like.i've.lost.a.limb.

and a good one, not some shit limb. i ... don't know where anything is and i am spinning spinning spinning.....

i need blur. and brit pop. and new order. and.... yeah.

i miss him. i miss a 'relationship'. i miss that safety security that sense of home. i have no home.and i feel ......

knee scabs and tiredness

very tired.
walked home from uni last night. i have a grand total of $5 until wednesday, and no food in the house, or, errrr... anywhere. so, it's prioritizing time, and i can walk home, and i should walk home, and i need food. i ate half a loaf of bread for breakfast, and that was good. hung out with a friend last night, fun, yes, we have fun together .....

tired.

very very tired.
work = dull. i need to apply for a collection of library jobs that have become available, but the last thing i feel like right now is more change. i have had. enough, change for this week, i think.

ah ah oh... what do i want? what does.elizabeth want?

i want to travel. i want to have Adventures. i want to read and knit and feel things. i want to have wild beautiful sex with wild beautiful people, and wild beautiful conversations with wild beautiful people.
i want to still be friends with lachlan msot of all, and i know i don't need to worry about that but it's a weird sort of space i'm in right now, weird head space, and i feel a little dizzy and alone and spinning down down and around because i am alone, an i need'want'have to be, but it's the first time in so long and i don't know what i am left with minus the 'other'. what's left, elizabeth? what's left?

gone gone gone........... playing the gothic archies in the background.... so that is any morbid phrases, pulled out of there.

art exhibition. alex seaton, at jan murphy galleries : a drunken venture last week had me meet the artist, and form Intense Connection with him.... i ate dinner with him, his girlfriend and close friends on fri. night. oh my lord, his art utterly blows me away, honest to god, it's hard to describe how it effects me. it's a sculptural installation, of these doona's carved out of marble.... so so shatteringly facinating on multiple levels...

it was quite a facinating... night... on many levels.

my new tattoo needs a touch up.

i am wearing my mala beads.

i made a myspace.

i need big hugs.

i feel lonely.
want to go hang out with drewbear, and do a jigsaw. and cuddle my book of shelley, and copy of 'snow country'....

*sighs* it's ok, really. just change can be scary.

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- changes....

i kinda feel like giggling because of the vast level of change that has happened since last posting.

lachlan and i broke up, but, and this is the weird thing, it was both completely, totally mutual, and a good thing. i mean, i am at his house now. we'll probably see more of each other now. nothing has changed at the same time that everything has changed, only that we are sort of begining to lead seperate lives.

a part of me realised that i only wanted to move in there because i felt like that is what i was suppose to want. and, i realised that so much of what iwas doing was not based on what i wanted, but what i though i was ment to want, how i was ment to act, how i was suppose to feel. and, now, i want to find out how i actually feel.


on this note, i have mandated a week of No Binge Drinking, starting today. yes to occasional wine, NO to drunken-ness. and a complete ban on smoking, which seems to be my latest, extremely idiotic habit when drunk. i cannot describe how much this both sickens and confuses me, because smoking is utterly revolting, and bad for me, i mean, one of the WORST POSSIBLE THINGS for you, and when i am sober, the mere smell of cigarettes near me makes me feel ill. however, once i have had a drink, i start craving them.

i had a night of wild part-aying with b. and n, two people i went to school with. b was my epic highschool crush, and n was his friend. being on friend-terms with a past infactuation is stupidly fun. the three of us had a deliriously good drunk time wandering around the valley. it makes me giggle also how much i am enjoying this going-out-hanging-out-drinking-meeting-strangers-in-the-street-dancing-like-a-moron-having-stupid-adventures..... i think i will be slightly troppo for a bit - i have been in a relationship of some form since i was 16 for gods sake. i'm 23 now, and really looking forward to some manic, 'elizabeth-wants-to-do-this-and-now-i-only-answer-to-me' fun.

and the best thing is that it was mutual. i am so happy for lachlan as well, because i love him so completely from the bottom of my heart, but yeah.... it's not our time to be together. we both feel relieved.

and emily, his housemate, has promised that we are still an urban family and she is going to be my exercise buddy, and drinking pal, and wise lady.

and, i got another knitting book, and am working on the coat again. happyme.

lily of the valley : the tale of little moe

it has been Four Years of me driving myself insane trying to remember the name of that goddamn movie. i feel this utterly unrestrained joy at actually finding it out. Suzuran - the japanese name - translated as 'lily of the valley: the tale of little moe' - which is one of the most exquisite films i have ever seen. thanks to being able to actually speak to x without curling up in the fetal position with a strange combination of guilt and confusion, i now know. GO personal growth. GO x's utterly beyond comprehension memory. lordy, i cannot even remember .... sheesh, anything. let alone some obscure japanese film we saw four years ago.

i got free tickets from calling up this number in the newspaper. it's a free film festival, once a year, run by the japan society of australia - see sidebar linky if anyone is interested - that no one seems to know about. last year, we saw a beautiful, subtle manga about WW2, with cousin N. ohhhh i am gaspingly satisfied.

and also, with a really great lecture tonight. i now have, however, a sickeningly large amount of work to do. which i am attempting. in a cafe. at night. because? why? well. who knows.

life is still confusing. flux. strange. moving. mutable, what do i want, where am i going, spaces, spaces where am i in betweeeeeen it all.....?
but that is ok. because. i finallllllly know the name of that movie.

sunnnnier. (well, actually cloudier)

yestudays abject misery has faded somewhat.

i still feel relatively foul, but able to Tackle the World. or, sort of prod the world, reluctantly, looking dishevilled, and scattered and distracted.

i need to make some lists of Things I Need To Do.

and then, i can go forth, conquer my degree work life moving et al.

in the mean time though, i think i am going to scuttle to my apartment and get my kwan yin book and carry it around with me, as well as both sets of mala beads for comfort.
i know that they don't actually bring me 'luck' or make things better or easier. but i feel deeply comforted by them nonetheless. i feel some sort of vague direction, some sort of sense of size, presence place reason meaning.

lachlan is really sick at the moment - bad head cold. the poor lamb just wants to sleep all day.

it's not really that much work. i've gotten a firm handle on SQL, it's ended up being my easiest subject once i am in the labs actually constructing searches.
research subject is still my favourite.

have to somehow apologise to x for my drunken postlecture ramble monday night. feel more than slightly humilated by my stupidity. gooooooooooooood god, elizabeth. no more. enough is enough. no . more . today i am going to the LIBRARY after work, and i am working on my information literacy poster, my issues report on equity, and my analysis of a case study of technology as effecting enterprise architecture. and that other thing... that ... thing. assingment two for reasearch methods.



there are many other things i want to be doing. right. now.
these things do not involve assessment or uni or work or life or Anything.

*sighs*

tours and angst revival`

i am starting to see how drinking problems develope. so, really, seriously, i Won't drink again this week. not until the weekend. i swear. god.
this constant hangover is starting to age me. i feel old, and tired and... vile.

i feel very very tired as well. i want to quit a job.
actually, i think going off and running away to another country would be great right now. iceland. or japan. some small hidden part where i won't be found. or ... just the top of a mountain somewhere or the bottom of the ocean.

my eyes hurt.

listening to the cure. they are touring later this year, which i am ecstatically happy about. i missed them at livid, so to actually see them after all is insanely cool.

wandered around the park looking for lizards for a bit, big beautiful water dragons, sunnoing themselves, with little babies scuttling around the undergrowth. it cheered me up somewhat....

iceland. yes.

goooood big sleep

yep. that was an amazingly good night of sleep i had last night. i woke up in the middle of the night a few times, but apart from that... lordy, it was satisfying.


and last night, lachlan cooked this incredible pasta dinner.....

*sighs* i am about to eat meat. not again, i am not going to go back to meat eating, but my body is craving red meat really really badly, to the point of distraction. so, i am going to have some duck at the continental. i am fantastising about it, on average, every ten minutes or so. i am going to enjoy it very much. this is because my diet is shit-terrible at the moment. too much sugar and boose and not enough sleep. i am attempting to eat vegetables and things...........my skin has broken out something terrible.


i am having a 'the cure' revival time at the moment. i started by apologising to lachlan with 'er... we are going to be listening to a lot of cure. apologies...' he responded that he likes the cure. i've had to tell him that by the time my cure binge is over, he probably won't. i tend to absorb myself in music. it's the addictive personality trait. it's not a good thing, by any means.

god, i have no clean clothes left. this sucks.

uni today.... business management for IT professionals. from this subject i have learnt that almost all questions can be answered with 'strategic management' or 'strategic planning' ... just insert that into any random conversation, and they look at you, little faces lit up....

there is this incredible diary at work, an old damaged cover of a 'brother's grim' book. i smile because i am looking forward to telling the ex about it. i think i will start using the phrase x for him, as it doubles as a letter in his name. and i don't like using real names apart from the obvious ones, like boyfriend et al. and i feel sort of bad calling him the ex. it seems a lot harsher now i actually have no bad feelings about him, and see books and want to show him without feeling wierd about it anymore.

my nails are still black and i don't knoe where the nail polish remover is. this is because i never, ever paint my nails. not that i did this time... angie, emily's best buddy, came over, and did it. do normal people start doing craft when drunk? all iwant to do is cut stuff out.

i get to find out if my little fag boys got together, the ones i Partied Too Hard with on ... friday? saturday? whenever. so much angstyteenage sexual tension between exceedingly attractive males.... so satisfying. it's like living inside a teen movie, only so much better.... i really adore my New Best Friend h, in all his crazy, scary-resemblance to jesus-andrew ways.... someone to dance with. god. i have wanted to go dancing with someone for ... years.... since i turned 18. and i've never been with anyone who dances. to actually have a friend who'll drag me up when a song they like comes on.... yeah. exceedinly exceeeeedinly fun.

another and another

seriously, i swear, i'll stop doing it...... but i swear to god it was the most fun out i have had in years.

too much of everything but i danced until four in the morning, with beautiful boys and fabulous music.

and had no sleep, and my mouth stings from cigarettes and spirits... and i can't remember exactly what happened between 10 pm and 2 am. it comes back into colour around about then, with the cure and the smiths and the knife and shots of ... something strange.... burningly good... two boys eyeing each other across the room draping over me in order to avoid each other, wild wild dancing, socks and shoes and wandering through the mall looking and... sighs...

had a nap this afternoon.

listening to TV on the radio now, which i utterly adore.
going to print out readings once i have installed the printer on lachlans computer. for some pathetic reason my ibook is not accessing the broadband. it's infuriating.

no knitting at the moment. ..... i miss it.

tired and sickeningly grumpy

yeah.
that sums it up.


i went and got an 'impulse' tattoo this afternoon after work. it's a really small question mark between my breasts, just on the point of the breast bone where my ribs meet. i have been thinking about it for about a week, and waiting to get paid. yes. tattoo number two. i was expecting it to be one hell of a lot more painful, but it barely hurt at all. now, though, i get occasional tingles down my arm, residual shudders. weird.

cousin nikhi is here, hanging around apartment with lachlan and i, i on computer. my WoW character keeps getting obliterated and this shits me even more, because i am Freaking Tired.

it's kind of cool, cause that was where i wanted to get my first tattoo, well over three years ago, in the "olde days" - it was between an oroborus and some weird squiggles, and now i have one there, all this time on - be it tattoo number two, or whatever. i want more ear piercings now.

this is a clear indication that i am overtired and stressed because i want more body mods. fortunately i don't have enough money.


last night was another stupid binge drinking night. -1st degree with chad, on to rics to see the 'ambitious lovers' and then a late night wander home after creamy goo stuff at fat boys. it was spirits, so i had no hangover, at least, but i didn't get home unitl 2 am, and i had to work today. god.
this is a weird tattoo pain, the last one was completely painless once done. this one, keeps making wierd shudders run through me, even onto my face. it's quietly throbbing.

whatever lachlan is cooking for dinner right now smells amazing.

listening to low, late at night, with no dinner

because i'm not hungry.
i had a chocolate bar for tea. this is the issue with uni, my uni-diet. which consists of a diet of too many chocolate bars, juice with vegetables in it, and subway. almost nothing at home, not that there isn't food there or anything.

lachlan is waving his arms around, i can see him from the corner of my eyes, he looks cute. i am perched on a chair updating away, ready for bed.

low are on the CD player and this makes me sleepier and merry.

i feel... utterly esctatic that i am on friendly-happy speaking terms with the ex. i feel i might ramble a little too much, sugar? idiocy? nerves? but god god god, it's great being able to talk to him. i mean, when you have such a huge shared past, it's wierd, and sad to not have some sort of ... civility. and .... i mean, he is easily the person who has had the most influence on my life, in regards to ideas, to books, to my understanding of the world, to my understanding of myself. and i am so happy that i don't want to hide, and that i can smile and say hello to him, and chat, and ... yeah. it's great as. happyface. slleepy now, but yeah. lachlan is also utterly merry for me too.

i am starting to understand SQL, and the business subjects are not killing me anymore.
sleepy though. a lot. too much work, too much work, too much work, and it's really hard for me to think about food properly.

nap time.

universityoutdoors adventures

today i have seen many birds, and even more big beautiful lizards. i like wandering around the park next to uni. i literally do this for hours on end. i look at the ducks, and the pigeons, the strange birds with huge feet that walk over the waters, a kookaburra sitting on the ground... it's very fun.

uni also means other things, like
eating heaps of subway (eat fresh!)

doing random time wasting things like getting my eyebrows waxed. i am not sure if this is a good thing, but it was fun. and cheap. and now, i have less hair on my face. which is good, i guess.

planning exciting times out, like GothClub adventure. it has been far too long since i have ventured out on the town, and my Working needs to be balanced by proportionate partying.

it's another grey, heavy day, and this makes me deliriously happy.

shortpost

ok.

uni = tricky.

lots of subjects. worklifeuni balance. i have had too much sugar in the last week for words to describe. it makes me shudder just thinking of it.

sugar sugar sugar starts with s.
lots of balancing.

and, i manage to make life complex at very bad times. i ain't going to blog about it because it is overraught and inane and arught................ people will think me repulsive and it's not as simple simple simple as anything ever ever is.

i have had to de-knitty for now, because i have to study much, and i have a pathetic growing WoW problem in the background.
and it is Too hot to knit.

a plus though, i had a Great conversation with the ex. i mean, fabulous. i literally skipped to the busstop afterwards. it was like... everything bad i had ever felt against him evaporated in those ten minutes and i was just left with a deep deep compassion and... understanding of how people all fall together and apart in each other's lives. i realised that... it's not about wrong right here now me you but... just what is. and what is, is that he is a human being, falible and rich and complex like everyone else. so it was good.

early morning can't sleep in

my ability to sleep in is greatly diminshed through my unfortunate, forced habit of getting up early.

god, tired. i have a headcold i have been studiously ignoring. my head hurts big though.

unfortunate things:

yes, my scholarship is great. it's tuition though, and i can't afford my text books. not that they are Needed, but they are Recommended. eragh. no spending, seriously NO spending. taking lunch to work, in my backback on the bus. yes. this is da aim.
oh, and i need to join ALIA. which is the australian version of the ALA. which is $66.

i need to quit a job. six days a week working is grotesque.
but neither of them give me enough hours to support me without another one. hm. hmmmm.
i have to beg one for more.

printing. i am going to be Bad and Unethical and print out my readings, because reading them on my laptop from a PDF file is painful, both physically and mentally.

international women's day is the same day as my library-orientation-day, so i miss the march. but there is the festival thing afterwoods.

i am over the insularness of brisbane, and the fact that i felt too uncomfortable to go to the feminist discussion group. then again, it's going to interfere with uni anyhow, and i can discuss feminism with alex, who is my Uni Friend in my course.

good things:

all the subjects i have had so far are either tolerable (buisness management and IT ? database usage ?) or exciting! (research subject! making posters! using portals! yay! fun and jollies!) but the scary subjects are not that hard.

i have Uni-friends, ie, someone i knew from work is doing my course! yay!

things with ex-boyfriend being in course are totally cool. we politely nod, and smile, and carry on. it's such a relief. i thought things could be far more uncomfortable. i even had a bonding session with my new uni friends about the fact alex commented that he has a beautiful soothing voice, and how he was the person who made me think working in a library was a Career Possibility, and how they should talk to him about actually working in libraries cause he has heaps of experience. it was all positive and happy and good. i feel almost completely at ease. slightly ill at ease. mostly almost completely at ease.

there is now a subway on campus. this is only really exciting because cafeteria food is repulsive. and subway is edible. however, i think they have done away with honey mustard dressing, which is upsetting because it was my favourite.

i am getting a check for $121, my refunded guild fees from last semester. yay! yay for extra money. yay for getting refunds when you foul up. hey. did i pay guild fees last semster?
oh, no, it was the semester Before that i paid guild fees. i get it now.

scholarshipexcitement afterglow

ok, i am still completely overstimulated from winning the scholarship. i have to go to Award Ceremonies, and things like that! yay!

and career mentorship is comming up, and i have the perfect person to apply for mentorship with, who i already know, and which would surely be helpful in getting a real job - my aim is to get one before the end of first year, so i have get the final semester of my degree, not covered by my special- money, paid for also. either that, or i'll use the money to invest in a short term low interest account - it ain't going to double in numbers but should rise a little bit, enough to take a slight dint out of my significant uni debt.

this semster is about Digging In My Heals.

and Prioritising.

which is as follows:

1. most important - take care of mental-health. continue with therapy. look after self. take time out to make art, to knit, to sit, to think. this is important.

2. closely followed by - look after close relationships - lachlan, and closest friends. this includes small but important things, like keeping our room clean (ish) doing dishes, offering to help cook, etc, as well as all other important relationship stuff.

3. uni. my aim, optimistically, is a university medal. which is awarded for straight 7's. now, i know that if i put my mind to it, this is within the realm of possiblity. however, my lowest possible marks will be 6's. this is the lowest i'll let myself go, because i am going to work my Arse off.

4. work. yes, i know, lowest priority. but both jobs are temporary places until i get where i am going.

priorites done.

now, working.

i am going to be seriously AFK for the next year and a half.

but, i have places, and i am Getting there.

four words

I.got.the.scholarship


oh . my . lord.

almost $13 000 worth of tuition fees paid. the fact i can now put on my resume that i was the 2007 recipient of the Postgraduate Female Scholarship.

i am so excited i could freaking fly right now.

(and i got a note from monkee moo! whoot!)

the advantages of university internet

sitting in lecture break of some strangely confusingly simple subject on management. i am not use to this sort of language yet. it is all unfamiliar at present.

it's a strange campus, GP. spent all day navigating my way around.

there are going to be a few seriously irritating MAS in this lecture. and tutorials. this is irritating. i know i can me a little verbose at times, but ergh. actually. we are All MAS's now, because this is a post-graduate subject. that is so weird, actually being Post Graduate and a Mature Age Student. i'm hardly mature. or aged. i'm only 22 (23 in a month or two... not or two, elizabeth. april. learn to count)

i find typing here soothing because i am still overly nervous. and gittery. new thing. unfamiliar. scary. managment subject. ick. eep. nervous.

and it's sort of cold in here, and i want to go home because it is late.

but still. it's going to be fun. yep. library learning goodness.